I'm currently reading a book called Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant. It's a collection of essays and sometimes recipes about people eating alone - if they like it or not, and why, and how they eat and if it's different from how they eat with other people. I bought it because it had a funny title and seemed to be very relevant to my current life, and because it was on sale. It's made me laugh a lot and think about the state of being alone, and so what follows is a reflection on being alone.
I had a surprisingly hard time with being alone when I first moved here, because it was such an odd change from how I had been living before. Granted, I always need a certain amount of time alone with myself to center myself, but this has been more aloneness than I usually have. After a while though, with the help of good books, including the one I just mentioned, Firefly, Doctor Who, and my usual tendency to introspect myself into being happy, I've come to be content with my frequent aloneness.
Today I had the opportunity to go to see fireworks with a very nice guy, but decided to turn it down, for several reasons, one of which was the value of aloneness. I was looking forward to cooking myself dinner and having a peaceful evening in. Yeah, it's the 4th of July, but I had a very fun evening last night, and I'm ok with not going out tonight. So I cooked myself dinner and set myself a place at the table instead of eating at my desk like I usually do. While I was cooking and getting things ready I put on Springsteen's Greatest Hits, and danced. I have ongoing cycles of remembering the Boss exists and falling in love with him, and it always makes me happier in a more confident way than I was before. Even with all the grit and sadness in some of his songs, I love him and it makes me happy. It also seemed right for the 4th of July somehow.
Anyway, I was dancing around like a goof in pure Springsteen-induced joy, and briefly wondered if I would ever find another person, preferably a guy, who understood that - the way I love to just put on the music I love and cavort around, and how much it helps me. And then I realized, maybe there can't be any person who gets that, because that is an alone-for-me thing. I can dance in joy with other people, and have, and that's powerful too. But if I add another person to my private dance party it changes it, and the strength I get from it is different. I once wore half the skin off my feet from dancing barefoot like a maniac in the rain in the driveway by myself, and it was glorious. Turns out that I not only do I not need to share that to value it, I'm not sure I want to. I think there's a connection somehow between being able to dance alone and being able to be happy alone, to get past the being lonely and just be there, me, myself, and centered in some peaceful, strong, way that might involve awesome music.
Comments (1)
Thanks for your comment!!! I'm not the jump into bed type either...but I'm also not the no sex before marriage type. Recently, I've gotten into a new relationship where, once again, that subject has come up, and I just wonder where's that line that I can draw that is way past the "slut" line and before the "torturing the guy for no reason" line. LOL.
You're a very talented writer! You sound like a cool person with a personality much like mine (aka able to turn on music and dance alone at home...I love it!) That book sounds really intersting too...I'll have to check it out.