Friday, April 25, 2008

• Money, marbles or chalk

  Currently Watching The Rifleman (Mega Pack / 80 Episodes / 16 discs / Special Feature Edition) Chuck Connors see related

  Mercy!  When you live every minute of your life in constant, unrelenting, selfless, ceaseless service to others*, sometimes you feel like your Man Card is drained and needs to be recharged.  Hoo-ah.  Therefore, I shall leave this town shortly and head east.  Normally, things don't work out best for me when I'm east of I-45, but this weekend every year is an exception.  That's right.  It's time for the Men's Retreat.  Batten down the ladies room mateys, there be no one here but men.  Men. Men. Men. Hoo. Ah.

  *[for cases where "others" = my wife, the sniper]

  This really is a great time for me every year and I'm looking forward to it.  To mentally prepare myself, I watched a few episodes of The Rifleman.  Chuck Connors is nothing if not all man.  What better inspiration do we need?

  I was hoping for something manly, like this scene from episode 2 written by none other than Sam Freakin Peckinpah.  After the death of his beloved wife, Lucas McCain and his son Mark have headed to their newly purchased ranch in New Mexico.  But lo!  There are unsavory ne'erdowells squatting on their land.  The unsavoriest of all, Mr. Jackford is contemplating a post-Civl War version of the hostile takeover, and Lucas Boy has some great, great lines.

  Isn't that great?  "You can't buy it for money, marbles or chalk, Mr. Jackford"  What a great line.  You don't expect writing like that in a 1958 TV show.

  Watching that kind of greatness is a great way to man up before the retreat.  Instead....what do I get but this drivel from episode 112.  Yeesh.  Mark decides it's time for him to have a job.  Even though he's paid a just allowance for all his chores, he gets it into his head to get a job outside the home so he can earn more money.  This causes Lucas to become quite annoyed.  Sometimes the chores don't get done on a timely basis.  Sometimes Mark falls asleep on his dinner plate from trying to do it all (work, chores, school & homework).  Lucas whines to Micah about how the boy is changing.

  So instead of mowing down the godless and lawless with his 11-shot Winchester 1892, I get 26 minutes of Chuck Connor as June Cleaver. *rolls eyes*  These sappy, corny Rifleman episodes are the most predictable too.  5 minutes into the show I know that there's going to be 18 more minutes of father/son conflict over his job and in the last 2 minutes we'll find out the Real Reason Mark needs the money in the first place.  Of course!  He's saving money to buy a present for his dad.  Awwwww...gimme a break!  I wanna see some lead flying!

  Sure enough, the last minute of the show, sappy Mark explains to his father that he's used his extra money to buy his father a saddle.  I'll admit that Johnny Crawford is a really fine, young actor in these shows.  I'm surprised, even, that he didn't act more afterwards.  So he delivers his jeepers creepers lines well.

  But I sure didn't want to endure this drivel.  And I sure didn't want to cry like a baby every time I hear or think about Lucas telling his son that it must be "the shiniest saddle in the world."

  Where'd I set that Man Card? It ain't revoked is it?

  AU~out

  • 12:43 PM
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