Last week I was reminded of Luba Zubaszenco (yes her name was really that). I worked for her as a cleaner in my time in Australia. She would drive her little car packed with cleaning products (she had a system) from house to house, to clean houses, do laundry and iron any shirt in sight. She was a bit crazy with a crooked smile and a cackled laugh, with short red hair sticking out in a million angles, and a very odd way about her. She liked me a lot- I reminded her of her best friend Dawn who had moved to America.  I had to think of her because of the McDonald's right round the corner from my new house. She always wanted to meet at McDonalds, and no other place, for a cappuccino. This was about 12 years ago when noone had heard of cappuccino in Holland, we just drank regular 'long' coffee (I did not drink coffee at all). So McDonalds it was, because they had the 'best value' 1$ coffee. I wonder if she still does that.

She was nice to me when, during that time, the landlady I was staying with (she was a 'friend' of Luba's) accused me of seducing her boyfriend and walking around the house in my underwear. The woman was pregnant at the time, and jealous maybe? I still don't know what happened exactly, only that the boyfriend (who was a complete loser) said something nice to me, and she freaked out and accused me of everything evil under the sun. And then she phoned my boss to tell her that I was running around half-naked trying to get David into bed in her house. For godsakes, I was 18, and I didn't even know what the word 'to seduce' meant! I was just a girl! I fled, and they would not refund my rent, which was paid in advance and was a lot of money . They bought dope and had another argument instead. She was an astrologer, and a massage therapist, but I doubt there was anything she could give you except bad vibes. (He was not so bad really, though not exactly the brightest -I remember he worked in supermarkets promoting a new brand of peanutbutter.)

That was another little 'adventure' I would gladly have gone without. But yes I liked Luba - she worked so hard and was always in good spirits, even when she had a pile of 50 shirts to iron (her tiny apartment was filled with piles and piles of other people's laundry). I have not been to McDonalds since, but would gladly join her there for a cuppa. 

Second episode at CWI this morning to claim my benefits (hopefully).

I had prepared for a torturous meeting, seen that claiming (and accepting) benefits is one of the hardest things I have ever done and the Amsterdam consultants are a bit thick. I find these meetings humiliating, even when the civil servant is reasonably pleasant. In Voorburg I had a very cute one. Meeting him was ok, but today's woman (like the one last week) was one of those 'strictly by the rules' people who cannot seem to understand what my situation is. Granted, it's complicated. Yes, I have a job (in Italy), no I don't have an income and I don't have a contract, yes I live here but no I am not yet registered seen that the date of registration is tomorrow, and no I cannot work because I am ill. And yes I really am ill.

She asked me why I had accepted a job in Italy when I can't work. - rolls eyes- (No ma'am, I used to work there, until I got ill, and I am planning on finishing the programme when I get better again). She asked me what type of bank card this was. (No ma'am it's not a bank card, it's my university card in Italy, like I just mentioned). And she asked me why I had been claiming benefits since 1997. (No ma'am, I have only been claiming benefits since I've been ill). She also told me that being registered for a job at a university is not exactly realistic seen my situation. (Well, no ma'am at the moment it isn't but I am planning on getting better but it's taking a while. Thanks for rubbing it in). At least she wasn't planning on deporting me from the country... That was last year's episode.

So, I've handed all my official papers in, and now waiting for the next step. Piano, piano, I'll get there.

I am really struggling at the moment. Struggling with myself & the siuation that is. My health has taken another dive, and I just can't believe it. I feel I have the 'right' to start feeling better - I am approaching the year and a half mark for god's sake. And it's true, I am a little bit better. But it's so slow, and I miss having a life so much. I miss meeting my friends, I miss going to work, I miss making love and going out with B, I miss going on trips, I miss being able to travel without problems, I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin, I miss feeling happy, I miss being able to read without problems, think without problems, sleep without problems, I miss not having to plan every bloody minute of the day to ensure I get enough rest and nutrition and am not overloaded, I miss wearing high heels, I miss feeling young, I miss my bubbly energy, I miss enjoying a drink. I don't know where it all has gone, but I am so intensely sad and troubled. And I know the 'why me?' question is to be avoided at all times, but yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I do not like the state I am in.