| | I'm a single dad. I was raised by a single mom who was raised by a single mom. It seems to run in the family. I became a single dad when my former spouse left on a two week vacation and never returned. She was kind enough to call me two months later to tell me that she was with another man, wasn't coming back(well, duh) and could I send money? At the divorce I was granted sole custody with visitation at my discretion. I would like to think that the judge ruled that way because he saw that I was a dedicated dad and a pretty decent chap. I suspect I received custody largely because my former spouse didn't show up for the divorce. It's an open secret that the family court is slanted in favor of women, especially in custody cases. A lawyer once told me that the mother of a child could be a drug addicted prostitute but could always be rehabilitated. A man, on the other hand, has to walk on water and not get his pant cuffs wet. Yes, I know there are many deadbeat "dads" out there who don't give a damn about the kids they engendered. My own father is one of these "dads". I also have met many men who suffer because a spiteful ex lover/spouse interferes with their visitation. We're not all dogs ladies. Becoming a father was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. When I saw my son for the first time, moments after he was born, I knew my life would be totally different. It felt like the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new and exciting chapter. I never knew I had so much love in me. I don't consider single parenthood to be a burden. My days are LONG with a full time blue collar job, cooking, cleaning, laundry and endless trips to the supermarket. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world or Bill Gates' ATM card. Shakespeare once wrote: " The child is father to the man". I understand that more each passing day. I've grown up with my son. I never had my father in my life or a decent substitute for one. When I do things with my son, I experience them in a dual way: As a father and as the boy who still lives somewhere within this man's body. I've always been a homebody. I don't drink or touch dope or keep any porno in our apartment. I've never been a bar hopper either.(boy don't I sound boring?) I don't have a parade of women coming through here because that's no example for my boy and I believe in leadership by example. So much of parenthood is the act of BEING THERE. I compare parenting to great Jazz music: there's a structure but also a lot of improvising. You have to accept certain painful truths: with each passing year your child needs you to do less for them than the previous year, your child will sometimes hate you and at times your kids can make you feel OLD. When I talk to single moms and I tell them I'm a single parent as well I get the same reaction: suprise and praise for "stepping up to the plate". I know they mean well. There just can't be that many guys who don't "step up to the plate" can there? Being my son's father is like breathing; a natural, instinctive action I don't have to think about. I've learned another valuable lesson as a father: getting to know the person behind the title " my mother". We tend to judge our parents harshly for the mistakes they made during our formative years. Now that I've been a father for the past 13 years(single dad for almost three) I see that my mother did her level best. It can difficult to learn how to see the men or women behind the titles of "father and mother". The word "parent(s)" conjures up different emotions in each of us. Guilt, resentment, unfinished conversations, things you said that you wished you hadn't and things unsaid that shoud have been voiced. If it's at all possible for you, make the peace with the folks and try to understand where they were coming from. Chances are they were just trying to do the best they could just as we're trying our level best. |
| | Posted 1/14/2005 8:58 PM - 44 views - 0 comments
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