Happy
Thor's Day to all!
Some of you have been waiting patiently for this entry about a topic I did not choose but still thought was "blogworthy". You all can thank
Leda for choosing this topic, but don't thank her too much because she's rather full of herself.
To be honest, I almost ditched the idea, thinking that it might be more impressive to write something with a title like "10 Things I Love (And Can't Bear To Part With)". I could have gotten all existential and stuff, listing things that have great sentimental value to me but that I don't necessarily need or even use every day. But no, I decided to stick to the requested topic as-is. As such, I left out stuff like my guitars, DVD's, CD's, video games, collectibles, etc.
This is a bare-bones list and is in no particular order. This is Scott Unplugged, if you will. Enjoy!
1) Pepsi - Nectar of the gods! I absolutely cannot function without this stuff. This top shelf you see in my own refrigerator is reserved solely for Pepsi products. The right side is mine, the left is for the rest of the family. I usually bring 4 cans to work with me every morning and I usually drink the same amount at home. I'd better enjoy this time in my life because I'll probably have to reserve this top shelf for insulin in the future.
2) Marlboro Lights - Yes, I am well aware of the irony of listing something that's killing me as something I can't live without. Having said that, I once wrote a short story where I described the main character's (my) dependence on cigarettes as "more of an addiction of the mind than the body...but still a crutch he was too weak to cast aside". Pictured above is a drawer--
MY drawer--which is right next to the refrigerator. Of the two remaining packs, the one on the left shows how Phillip Morris regularly packages my preferred brand , while the
special "black pack" next to it was part of a buy-one-get-one-free promotion. I hope they convert to the black box because it goes better with my outfits.
3) Cell Phone - Just as those annoying chain e-mails state, I didn't want one until after I got one. Now I can't leave the house without it. I still hate talking on the phone so I rarely use it for its intended purpose. I want to thank whomever decided to add gaming, photo, video and audio capabilities to cell phones. I guess my real addiction to this device is that I can play solitaire wherever I go. I always play draw three with Vegas-style scoring. If you can't tell from this picture, I'm over $33,000 in the hole. That's a running total, mind you. I also use solitaire as a sort of tarot reading. I measure how lucky my day will be by how many games I win in a sitting. Thankfully, I usually incur my losses when I have no need for luck.
4) Computer - This is an HP Pavillion 9600 that my Dad gave me. It's not really this computer I cannot live without but rather computers in general. I can go an entire day without watching TV or playing video games but my butt must be planted in front of a computer at least once a day or I'll go mad. Yes, my workspace is rather untidy but everything I need is accessible: bills to be mailed out, vitamin suppliments, ashtray, and a crystal bowl for hairties and guitar picks. Laugh if you will at the Spongebob mousepad but they don't make a Vampire Hunter D one, though I wish they did so it would match my desktop wallpaper.
5) Q-tips - And yes, they must be Q-tips brand. All other brands use an inferior cotton-wrapping method which often results in unraveling, and sometimes injury. And none of that plastic stick crap! Those kind bend way too easily and satisfactory leverage is impossible. I am very osbessive about the cleanliness of the inside of my ears. I usually swab my canals first thing in the morning while I'm using the toilet. I'm efficient like that. I also find that hitting the right spot during cleaning can rival even the best orgasm! Call me a Q-tip pervert if you will but I'm a perv that can hear a gnat coughing from 10 yards away!
6) Case Cutter - I don't have much use for this at home but at
work it's a necessity. I feel sorry for the case cutter because I think it's gotten a bad rap, being that it's the preferred weapon of pre-teen urban gangsters and plane-hijacking terrorists. I was issued a standard utility knife when I started working for my present company on the stock crew but they're just too awkward and bulky. I'll take precision and concealment over safety any day!
7) Wallet - This is George. No, I don't give all of my possessions names, just my car and my wallet. I named this wallet after George Costanza on Seinfeld. I chose this name after watching an episode involving George's overstuffed wallet and his whining about how he needed everything in it. It exploded at the end of the episode when he put a phone number in it, ripped from a flyer posted by a guy offering guitar lessons (first lesson free). It's a good thing I already know how to play the guitar. The paper you see isn't cash (sadly) but rather debit card receipts I have yet to record in my checking account register. I don't have that many credit cards either. Most of the cards you see are customer loyalty cards for places like Kroger, FYE and Gamestop. You may notice that I'm a bi-fold man. I think tri-folds are evil and the type I prefer is much better suited to the size of my butt. I was once asked, "Don't you think it's time for a new wallet? The one you have is rather ass-shaped." I proudly replied, "I like it ass-shaped!" I'm also picky about how I carry it. It must be in my right rear pants pocket and none other!
8) Keys - I only mentioned where I keep my wallet because I am equally picky about how I carry my keys. They must be kept in my left front pants pocket and none other! I find a sense of balance in having the two items in opposing positions. Any shift in this balance results in severe unease. I also detest having anything but keys on my keyring. In order from top to bottom in this picture are the keys to Marby's Chrysler, Ted, Ursula's lock and ingition (I can't bring myself to remove these two yet--still grieving I guess), my footlocker, mailbox, padlock for a rented storage unit, my Mom's house, and my house. I am the Key Master!
9) Belt - It's only been since I've reached my late 30's that I've
needed a belt. I can thank Marby's incredible cooking, resulting in my 38" waistline for that, although it's not so much a waistline anymore as it is a
circumference. It seems as though pants made in my size don't taper as they move up to the waist but rather
expand. It's either that or the fact that the top of my butt no longer has a "plateau" to keep my pants in place. Nonetheless, I do find it useful to carry a belt around for disciplinary purposes, but that's only for when Marby has been a very very
VERY bad girl.
10) Marby's Boobs - Pfft... don't scoff at me, buddy! This was
her suggestion--and who was I to argue? Yes, I am a man, and men like boobs; especially boobs to which they have unrestrained access. That's not to say that Marby doesn't keep her blouse bunnies "restrained" (as evidenced by the picture), she just thinks women who hold their breasts over their guys' heads (in the metaphoric
"do not touch" way, not the literal "Mickey Mouse" way) are silly. Bless her hard-to-find-with-a-stethoscope heart for that. Also bless the fact that the size of my waist still has not exceeded the size of her bust. Hallelujah!
Comments (16)
LMFAO. I love this! You did a fantastic job, but that was to be expected. I especially agree on the Q-Tips one. I had to buy some Q-Tips here, because no matter how squeaky-clean I was, I still felt incredibly dirty if I didn't have Q-Tips to clean out my ears. AND THAT FEELING YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? lfmafoamfoamflaofmaf! Okay, I know what you're talking about. But for me, it's kind of a feel good, almost feel bad feeling. And also, every time I use Q-Tips, I cough. WHY? I don't know.
Anyway, again, great great great job.. it was so fun to read. :3
I wish my phone had solitaire. Not Spider solitaire, though, because then I would never get off the phone.
Nice boobs.
Glad I finally found someone with a q-tip fetish like mine, and you're totally right about the E-Spot... -
Okay, I'm getting weirded out by this Q-tip thing. I mean, I like clean ears as much as the next person--at least, I thought I did--but apparently my ear-cleaning experience is not all that it could be. Maybe this explains why I'm going deaf.
what?
This was very entertaining.
And I love Q-tips too. I do, however, buy the Walmart knock-off brand. I only use them after I shower. . .all things in moderation. ;)
You know, I had my doctor lecture me on NOT using Q-tips. This was after I had to get my ears cleaned in the office because I had blocked them up because of Q-tip use. Not fun times! I didn't even know that Marlboro used a black package for Lights. Of course, I switched to Parliments about a year ago because of the recessed filter....but enough about me...it's good to see you back!
lmfao....no in the mickey mouse way! that was a great visual.
mmmm hard pack marlboro lights 100 please!! That is my poison of choice and im also with you on the Qtips!!! I have them everywhere and die if I cant use one each morning! I get inner ear infections a few times a year because of them but I go nuts if I cant use one.
Great list glad I didnt miss out on it....you blog about as often as I get around to comment haha
have a great weekend
love this post :)
I support many of these entries for your list, especially Q-tips and Marby's boobs.
Mostly the boobs.
Oh, but not Pepsi. Pepsi tastes like battery acid dipped in ass.
That was a great post. I'm with ya on the Q-tips, and I agree with Marby about the boob thing. Let's face it, most women like the fact that men like boobs, and most women like that they have the boobs and men don't (mam-boobs don't count).
Scott, I may not come here regularly but I can say without a doubt that you never fail to crack me up.
Love your list. It all makes sense to me (which will tell you just how insane you really are!) Marby is brilliant. I was going to comment that nobody wants MY boobs, not even me. But that's not entirely true. Better to say that no one has access to them but me cuz I don't want them to. And I forget where I was going with this... crap. I blame aging for the loss of brain cells because if I blame my kids, they'll kill me in my sleep.
Time for my meds. See ya.
Thought you might be interested.
Exciting news for fans of Repairman Jack!
F. Paul Wilson has contracted to write a trilogy of young adult novels based on Jack. The first, Secret Histories, starts with Jack at fourteen years old. Gauntlet will be publishing a signed limited edition of all three, the first seeing release around February (well before the trade edition is released) Read for the first time Jack's formative years. You'll meet his mother and father, big sister Kate and his bully of a brother Tom. While aimed for young adults, F. Paul Wilson doesn't write down and the book is as enjoyable for adults as it is for teens. And, as you can see from the above description there's plenty of foreshadowing of events that were to overtake Jack as an adult (i.e. An old woman with a dog … making herself known to Jack when he's just fourteen!) Both Lettered editions (and only the lettered editions) will contain the complete outline as part of the limited edition. Those ordering each of the lettered edition will have first choice at receiving the same edition (and same letter) of the lettered edition for the entire trilogy if you order in January of each year. Visit Gauntlet's website for more information and purchasing details.You can find them all pretty easily, though, aside from Nightworld. They DID get a reprint, but its currently in hardback. Except for Nightworld. Because of the RJ novels, his whole timeline is screwed up in that book (which I thought was crap, and made me horribly sad), and so he said that he's going to completely re-write the thing to fix all the problems in it once he finishes up the RJ series at around books 14 to 16 over the course of the next decade or so.
My big problem with the final book is that the rest of the series is based on this whole intellectual evil thing, and is absolutely brilliant, but the last book sort of tosses all that out the window for a sort of weak creature/ultimate evil storyline. It's not horrible in comparison with other horror novels, but it IS pretty bad in comparison with HIS novels.
By the way, I'm still awaiting a response on you reading Swan Song, by Robert McCammon. It's one hell of a fantastic horror novel in that epic "The Stand" sort of way. In fact, it's basically a ripoff of The Stand, but is actually better in every possible way. Read it in between published RJ books.
You know, I think I DO remember you mentioning it, but I have a very short long-term memory. I still haven't read Boys Life (I heard it was a ripoff of another Stephen King novel, and again was much better than King managed). My wife read Gone South and loved it, and I picked up his most recent one, Nightbird Song (I think?) that I actually didn't really like at all, though I loved the characters (of which he's supposed to write more of in short order, reportedly).
Let's go fantasy, then. Ever read On a Pale Horse by Piers Anthony? That series is probably my favorite of all time, with all sorts of nifty concepts, interesting characters, and a fantastic storyline. I know that I lot of people hated it for whatever reason, but for every person who hated it, there's about ten more who thought it was incredible. I definitely can't recommend it enough. In fact, I have a very strict policy about re-reading books (every time I re-read a book, I'm missing out on a potential NEW best experience), but On a Pale Horse ranks up there as one of the few I've read more than once.
Omg, boobs and belts. I was fanning myself.