I don't come here often. In fact, it has been a long time since I have been here, but I need to write. My friend Colin (the co-author of a great book called You, Me, and Morrissey) told me once that you need to write through the pain. Tonight, there is a whole lot of writing to do.

I have been trying to be strong. I have been trying to be positive. I know that I did what I had to do. I know that part of being a mother is making decisions that are difficult, and that sometimes that hardest decisions to make are the ones that hurt us the most. Inside, though, I am dying. When I go to the microwave and can hear Sophia saying, "Order UP!" when she took her turn cooking. Cooking with me is something she loved to do. When I sit down to watch Bryce play a video game and imagine Xander sitting next to him, watching him, and asking to play his Cars game over and over again. When I pick up their room and see their toys - the toys they were told not to take with, to erase every bit of their life here with me. Xander chasing me down with hugs and kisses obsessively. I feel bad about the times I shoo-ed him away, the times I told him to go play, the times that I should have been holding onto him tight. I just never imagined them back in his care. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It does me no good. I miss doing Sophia's hair and the big hugs she gave me.  I miss her telling me that she loves me super duper much and that I am the best mom in the world. I miss the way she felt, sitting on my lap.

I feel like I have been robbed by the justice system. No. I feel like I have been brutally raped. I can say that. I feel that there is no justice in family law because if there was, they would really give a damn about kids instead of about the legalities and jurisdiction.

I am so angry. He left them and when he did, I picked up where he couldn't. I loved them. They thrived with me. They were happy. He didn't call. He didn't write. He didn't visit. And there they are, with him.

I got to talk to them on Tuesday. That was the first scheduled phone visitation. They sounded great. The conversation was forced. He had us on speaker phone and they were driving to the grocery store. That is against the agreement. Neither one of us can listen in on the call. He cut my conversation with them short, by half of what I was allowed. Another break in the agreement. Later he harassed me by text message. Violation number three. What was I thinking when I believed he would have the maturity to follow a plan we both worked together on? He has no maturity at all. He doesn't love those kids. Those kids are his way of not having to pay child support, of getting back at me for leaving, for being happy.

When I want to hear their voice, I go to my phone. Before they left, I recorded both of them saying something to me. I hear Xander saying I love you over and over again.I hear Sophia telling me she is going to miss me. All I want is to hear their voices.

Tonight I was supposed to have my second phone visitation with the kids. I called at 6:00 and no answer. I called at 6:03 and no answer. No answer at 6:07. No answer at 6:10. No answer at 6:22. 6:30 came, the time when my visitation was over, and again, no answer. I should have known better.

I try not to be sad around Emily. When she does hear me, she says, "Mom, you still have me."

Yes, babygirl, I still do have you.

I am getting nervous. No sign of the papers that were supposed to be sent to me. Everyone involved knows a settlement has been agreed upon. The GAL, his lawyer, everyone. Before I would release the children I made sure he called my cell phone and left a message stating that he was agreeing to the settlement in place. I wrote a letter ot his attorney asking where exactly in the process we are, since this should have been resolved this week. he had everything he needed to take to the courthouse. He just didn't do it. 

I feel so worn.

It is because I didn't get to talk to them tonight. It is becuase it triggered in me, August thru November, before a court order was in place, when I didn't get to talk to them. The pain. The hurt. I didn't have Emily then, though, and I do now. That is good. I have Emily now.She is safe and she is really thriving. It has been fun with her. She is such a cool kid.

Please, Lord, give me strength. Help me be strong.

Be like a duck. Calm on the outside, but paddling like the dickens underneath. - Micheal Caine

I canot believe that it is already the 19th of April. Could someone please tell me where the time goes, because I have absolutely no idea? I am happy that it is the 19th of April. Resolve is nearly a month away.

The Viking and I have a new addiction together. A few weeks ago I went to GameStop and picked up a used copy of a game called Bully. We have spent a lot of really great time with one another after the children go to bed, sitting side-by-side, progressing through the game together, taking turns. It has led to a lot of really great conversations and, most importantly, an appreciation for the strong friendship that we have with one another. We dont' just love each other, we like each other, too. I have felt great peace at night with him, connecting and reconnecting over and over, laughing and flirting with each other. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I feel blessed to be loved the way that he loves me. I feel blessed that we have built this life together in New Orleans for us and my children. He has proven to not only be everything that I wanted and needed in a partner, but those things I didn't now that I wanted and needed. Life has a really funny way of working out, doesn't it?

Cleo has had a difficult time as of late and that phase seems to have passed. I worry about her, my delicate little flower, and all that she has experienced. She seems to me working through things, though, in her Cleo sort of way. Her and I had a sleep over in the living room last night. By the time her brother finally fell asleep, though, so did she. I think that perhaps next weekend -- Friday night a sleepover with Cleo, Saturday a sleepover with Princess Pythons.

The Former called on Saturday. I find it odd that he hasn't spoken with the children for over 2 1/2 months and the day after speaking with the Guardian ad Litem appointed for the children, he decides to call. The call lasted 4 1/2 minutes. The kids really didn't have much to say or much interest in saying it if they did. He talked to Car Bomb for only a few seconds, mostly Car Bomb telling him about all the cool things that they have done here in New Orleans. He then talked to Princess Python for the remainder of the time - asking her about school and everything. He tried baiting her, telling her "We have crabs and lobsters now." meaning that him and the kids had them up in Wisconsin. She is so disconnected from him, though, that she asked, "You do?" not even considering that he was talking plurally about him and the kids. She ended the conversation abruptly with a , "Let's go play" to Xander and a quick good bye to him. The line went silent and then he asked - yes, he had the nerve to ask - to speak with Cleo. I told him that Cleo did not want to speak to him. He then hung up. I contacted him by text message, telling him we could still work something out between us instead of having a third party decide and he said it was up to the GAL now. This made me feel good, knowing he is going to abide by the recommendation of the GAL instead of fitting it and dragging it on further.

It makes me sad for the children, however, his lack of involvement in their lives. Do not get me wrong, I truly believe that the children are in a better place by not having a relationship with him. It disturbs me, though, that he just pops in and out with phone calls when he suddenly remembers that he has children and offers no consistency for the children.

Why is he fighting me for physical placement of the children again?

Since the phone call, however, there have been some behavioral issues with Car Bomb and Princess Pythons. This, too, is disturbing to me. All I can do, though, is love them.

We finally broke down and got DirectTV. I have to say, I am loving watching tv outside of the very fuzzy broadcast stations we were getting! I caught up on a few episodes of Mythbusters and a couple of documentaries. The kids and I watched some Scooby Doo and The Flintstones and The Viking watched some Metal documentaries on VH1 Classics.

Our peach tree is beginning to fruit. It is such a cool thing for a Northern Wisconsin girl like me having a peach tree in her back yard.

I am reading Escape - which is a memoir written by a woman that escaped the FDLS church. IT is quite interesting.

That's all I got. HOpe things are well for you.

On Friday I have my phone interview with the Guardian ad Litem. Today I am finishing up my custody packet and am going to overnight it to her so that she has it in front of her on Friday. Breathe.

I am really nervous about this. I know that I am in the best interest of the kids, but it is difficult being forced to hand the power over to someone else's hands. There is something terribly wrong about that to me. Breathe.

I received in the mail the date set for this to hopefully be all done. Please, let this be done. Please give me peace. Please give my children peace. Breathe.

I am in a good place, really. I am prepared. I am confident. I am a Mama Cub trying to protect her babies. Breathe.

After Friday, I will feel like myself again without something so terribly important looming over my head.

Today I am rearranging my home. I am going through clothes. I am reading Our Band Could Be Your Life, autographed to me by the author, and I am looking up name change laws in the state of Louisiana for The Viking. I am looking for a job because, quite frankly, I need out of this house. We are going to go search for Louisiana Bar materials  at the library sale.

I am trying to keep life as normal as possible.