I haven't commented to anyone at all. I'm so sorry. But i can't feel the will to do so.

I'm so screwed up right now. I want nothing more than to starve away, throw myself up, fade away and shrink into absolutely nothing. But, yet, I still eat. I still am the loudmouthed girl in class, am still the one people notice because I'm so random and outrageous. I eat. And I don't exercise much. I feel like running, just running, whenever I can - but suddenly that notion leaves my head, and I'm too tired to do much more than lay on the couch turn on the T.V. for some light, and fall asleep.

I was used by my first boyfriend. He only saw my mother "because I made him feel guilty." Thanks. He lied to me. He never loved me - and he's now said " I told you things to please you." And I constantly told him - tell me the truth - I want the truth - because I like reality not lies... and yet the jerk lied to me. He used me. He touched me, kissed me, held me, used me, and two days later - didn't like me romantically at all, didn't like me at all - wtf? Four days ago I'm "sweetie" and you love me, and now after that - you have no interest whatsoever for me? Jackass. You pornographic looking jackass. I hate you. With such a passion. Because all you are to me is a painful example. A painful example that I am worht nothing more than an ass to grab, breasts to appreciate and a mouth to stick your tounge into. I am worth nothing more than lies and no explanations. I meant everything I said to you, meant everything i gave to you - and all I got in return was guilty visits, lies, and being used. His ass lied to me. I don't hurt because we broke up - I hurt because the one person I trusted, the one boy who told me not all guys are jerks who mistreat girls... mistreated me. And I can't even get an apology out of him. Stupid jackass. I pray that his ego gets a shot from reality and that his smug attitude realizes he's not the shit of the world... he's a normal human - with a hell of a lot of shortcomings.

And I miss my mother. I was looking forward to this past summer, to being with him, doing stuff with him that comforted me. Having someone there who understood what's wrong, who would listen to me, let me cry, help me. But no, as soon as my mother died, he used me - and decided he suddenly didn't like me anymore, didn't want to be there for me anymore, didn't want to be the person I went to for help and an ear, he deserted me... the lying bastard. I hate him so much. If you ever want to piss me off - lie to me. Use me, and lie about it the entire time.

I have no one to go to. No one to hold me, no one to help me cry, no one who gives a fucking care. And I can't help thinking I deserve it. I'm used to it. And there's no difference from now and two years ago. Except I made the biggest mistake of my life in between them - I dated him. I fucking dated him - my worst decision ever.

I want to kill something. Not him, not myself yet. I just feel like getting rid of something. I feel like strangling something. I feel like slicing open my arms, I feel like swallowing so many pills I don't rememebr. I feel like starving until I literally am nothing but skin and bones, or throwing up in a toilet until I have a heart attack or die from electrolyte imbalances.

I want to be something I'm not. And I want to stop myself - I keep praying God changes my mind and my heart - from liking him still. He contains every aspect of a guy I loathe, self-centeredness, conceitedness, pious, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, cruel, liar, and uses women for what they want then dumps them off to the side as if they're trash. But I still like him. Goodness - that in itself is a reason enough to kill myself. Either I'll stop liking him soon and my  prayers answered, or I'll kill myself. Good deal.