Friday, August 10, 2007

• In a hurry

  Its been a long time since I posted something here in my blog. Its basically because this half-year has been difficult and I pretty much spent the earlier part depressed. I have gotten over that depression and everything is ok now, and still I haven't posted. I guess that part was just due to my laziness. That just proves I only write when everythings ok, except for some very verbally aggressive entries in my journal back when i was in my early teenager years, a post-quarrel with my family event. I also haven't written for a while in my journal, but thats also mostly due to my laziness.

  A lot of things have happened in my life this past months, an entrance test for the most prestigious school, friends lost, friends made, recognitions acquired, conceited behavior, an interplay of personalities to see what really fits me.. that sort of stuff. I think I have changed, and I feel like more of an adult now than ever before, and I cuss like one more than ever. Gone are the days when I was turned off by cussing, when I still lived in an optimistic rainbow view of humanity, but really my view of the people in my school changed more drastically. I guess Im just sick of how people around me act, and the culture. So I surround myself with people I like, and just snob the rest, and surprisingly, I like it more that way. I have no idea if its good or not, and I know Im not really going to pick up something from this. I mean, I know I should socialize, but I just don't want to. Im not an anti-social or anything, but I just dont like the culture. You see, Im in fourth year now, my last year in high school, and Im just counting the days 'til college comes. This anticipation of the end gives me reason to only hang on to the people I like, to let go of my pursuit of being "in". Fuck conformity. I know i have to be "satisfied with what I have and maximize my time", but I just dont want to. I have no reason to. My hope remains that people in college be different.

  Speaking about college, I know its not right that I expect much, and that I anticipate it for the wrong reason (specifically for the culture of it). I do worry about that, but I know its really more of pursuing my dream. You see, Ive decided that I am going to be a doctor, and if possible, a surgeon. Hcek, I'm smart enough, I like people. I have fears that I just want to experience that "Grey's Anatomy" experience, and that Im just pursuing a childhood dream. But I guess its ok to be inspired. Lot's of people get inspired for their careers, and thsi is not necessarily a pursuit of childhood fantasies, right? Besides, I think this is the only job I know I'm going to be happy with, fulfilled even. I do like helping people, and I do get fired up whenever I see people who are too poor to, in plain words, survive. I just know that someone in this world has to help them, and I want to be that someone.
  

  So in short, highschool's not that nice as past seniors say. I just like highschool for my friends and the easy recognitions. People always made it look like being senior is about having fun and the epitome of anyone's social life, but I refuse to be a part of that. Why, I have no idea, I guess Im just not the kind of person for that and Im just not interested. There is just not enough desire for that. I now daydream about being a doctor, and daydreams of a music career is geting old. Still, I know that my future is going to be diferent from my daydreams, but I just now I am going to be happy with choosing that path. The question is, am I in a hurry to grow up?

  • 5:47 AM
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