Wednesday, March 26, 2008

• Delusions

  I have always wanted to sing, and my dream has always been performing on stage with an intimate feel on it. I always believed that I got what it takes, and that I was undiscovered, that I was like a wild card worthy of the fame and appreciation the stage is willing to give any worthy performer. These are the only things I day dreamed about, finding myself from time to time that my musings of music rendered me staring blankly into space. I liked it. I liked hoping for the future, indulging myself in the imaginary glory and I was awaiting fate to carry me into its world I so longingly wanted to belong to.

  That was then.

  I guess maturity and experience has made me realize that the singer's road isn't for me, and officially today, I had let go of this dream (or I guess delusion) that has been with me for so long. There are a lot of reasons, and parting with this dear dream I had held on so long is quite painful and sad to let go off. But I guess its all worth it. There is definitely no point in reaching for something that we really are not meant for, where we are not gifted at and not our true calling. So what has made me reach this conclusion?

  The enviously gifted and the struggling

  Basically most of the factors for this forgoing was from watching people, specificaly those who are in the path of singing. There are two kinds of people: those who are naturally gifted with music and those who are not and are currently struggling for a better them. The first kind made me realize that some people really are, through God's plans I guess, naturally equipped. These are the kinds who can play by ear or have excellent control and recognition of pitch, which I sadly admit I am not. So I guess that leaves me to the second group: those who struggle. We are the ones, whether mediocre, sucky, or above average, who have to work for our talent, and our gifts are not quite in our grasp naturally. That means we have to work and wait for time to make us better and ripe, for only to those who are ripe do the rewards of music and fame are given, not to the mediocre types and definitely not to the sucky types. Sadly, I dont want to work that hard and I dont want to wait that long for perhaps that end where my epitome is only considered mediocrity by the business. Yep, industries breeding on subjectivity and particualrity are harsh.

  Mirrors of delusion

  There are so many delusional people, and they belong to the struggling group. No matter how pathetic or irritating they are for me sometimes, they sometimes are my mirror that reflects to my own self my own particular delusions. These people have so many things common to me. They think their voices are spectacular even if its not, they flaunt their received compliments even though it is obvious that most are inflated or sometimes borne out of pity or even plain misconception of communications. I see myself in them, and today, I finally accepted the fact that I have fallen victim to the silent venoms of delusions.

  Questions of its purpose

  So after much consideration, I asked myself, even if I am virtually better than what I think of myself right now, is the road really for me? Do I even enjoy the long hours of singing? In the long run, will it be enough to make me happy? Really, the answer to all these questions is no. This subjective industries are perhaps the most challenging to venture to, where the chances of really being noticed is quite miniscule, and there are those who spend their whole lives struggling and die to find out their efforts are in vain. I predict myself like that. In the question of fulifillment and happiness, its not enough since singing for me is self-gratifying. Self-gratifying because I know that I cannot really touch people with my music since I cannot write my own. So its like just letting the world see that I can sing, but the very essence and art of individuality and expression, which is a big necessity for me, is missing. And even though I can hone my own talent for composition or arrangement, it will take years, which is somewhat stupid for dedicating years on end for something I am not completely whole hearted to. Frankly, I am better off honing the assets I already have and enjoy them.

  The long journey

  So in a nutshell, the very road of music is long, and it would be just a waste of time constantly reaching the beautful epitome with myself equipped only with mediocrity. I am not willing to sacrfice so many years just for singing, which in the long run would just be a hobby. What's the point right? If it really is just a hobby, then I can do well wit lax efforts of improvement, hoping that time will evetually make it ripe for me with casual attempts.

  So there, these are confessions of a delusional wannabe concluding to take another path. But I guess my delusions are natural. It's a part of growing up and there may be no one in this planet who never had their own piece of delusion. The discovery of which are from songs, observations, heck even John Mayer had his own share of "wishful thinking". It even sometimes surpirses me that so many people my age are delusional, while the adults are a less delusional population. I guess, without scientific evidence or back up, that along with the getting-used-to-this-body phase, delsusions are inevitabl and psychologically normal for our pursuit of identity and place in society. We will soon rid off this blinding mask with maturity and experiences and the bravery of acceptance. This is my lesson: we cannot have everything in this world and my challenge now is to discover my authentic talent and heed to the call of fate, where I am most appropriate at and where I could do so many people much good (candidates is the field of medicine and casual attempt for recongnition of my paintings). That is what society needs, people who know the place they can contribute most out of and share their assets to where they truly belong.

  But not yet completely cleared of delusion, I am still waiting for the day when I will be rescued from the fire of hopelessness and tell me that I am wrong: "You can sing stupid!" Perhaps an echo?

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