Well. I realize it's been ages since I've updated and xanga's really dead for me (as well as for most people now) so what am I doing here? I'm just updating probably because I know barely anyone will read this and those that might, I don't care if they know. Xanga's become one of those places where I can just say whatever's on my mind and not have to worry about the wrong people finding out.

But uh, seriously, if you do end up reading this, it'll be like...actually finding out what's going in my life =D

Yeah, so. I've disappeared to almost everyone except my roommate and the girls across the hall. I don't go on AIM much anymore and even I, who had been so active on facebook before, seem to have fallen off the face of the Earth (AJ agreed too). Why? Because it's crunch time. Let's face it, my GPA sucks and I'm trying to get straight A's this semester. So far, as lame as it might be, I have yet to obtain a single C on any of my exams this semester and I'm quite proud of myself for that. But that gain comes at a price: my friends. Looks like I haven't mastered the art of schooling and friendship at the same time. Because if I put a focus on one, the other fails. Although I have been even more social than last year (if anyone can believe that) so I guess friendship's not quite what I meant. I guess I mean the friends I don't see personally. It's difficult to talk to them because most likely they have different time schedules than you have, plus as an insecure person here, I'm never sure if they even want to talk to me. So I don't initiate anything if I can help it.

Grad school...I worry a lot. People don't see or hear me talk much about it but it's almost like a subconscious worry within me because my dad is kicking me out of the house the summer after I graduate from college. Which means if I don't get into grad school (and I might not with my sucky grades), I'll have nowhere to go. I'm hoping my dad's only saying that in hopes of kicking me out of a mindset that thinks I'll always be able to stay at home, but who knows. I've learned by now that what my dad says is different from what he does most of the time.

I've also realized that it's likely I have some sort of anxiety disorder. Or something. Or I don't have the disorder per se, but I'm just more anxious than most people (which I think is most likely). At the beginning of October, there was a mental health panel that I wanted to attend but the minute I walked up the stairs of the student center, instead of turning right towards the door, I immediately (without even thinking) turned left and settled down on the couches across from the door. And I just sat there. And pretended to be studying while I kept glancing at the door, looking at the other people who were walking in. And I just couldn't bring myself to go in. Because I was nervous. I didn't know anyone in there so I couldn't walk in by myself. I even stood up once and gathered up my books...and then sat down again. And I almost cried. Because I really wanted to go and I couldn't.

Jumping to another topic, I'm excited for Christmas. You're probably thinking, "Isn't everyone always excited for Christmas?" Well, I get the feeling this is probably the first time in a long time that I've been excited for Christmas to come. And I'm not really sure why. I can't quite pinpoint it. But I think it might have to do with my family. Seeing my family once in awhile on Sundays is a treat for me and sometimes they're able to drive me back to my dorm after lunch. And I'm a bit sad when they leave. Two years ago, I would always see other people stand at the door and watch their families' car pull away until it's out of sight and while I could understand why and envy them, I didn't do it myself. But I'm finding myself doing the same thing now. I don't think it's because my family and I have grown to understand each other (maybe we have, I wouldn't know), but I think it's more the fact that my dad just turned 50 recently and my parents' ages are hitting me in the face. Regardless, I'm excited for Christmas also because of my friends. Because in college you really do find the best friends you ever wanted.

You know what's kind of funny? How many years has it been since I stopped believing in Santa? I can't even remember but every year, my brother and I always try to stay up because we want to catch my parents in the act of putting the gifts under the tree. I really really want to BUT I CAN'T! I don't know when they do it, but after years of trying, it's definitely not between 11pm - 2 am. But since I have yet to successfully pull an all-nighter, I can't catch them doing it D: Every year, we're like "Okay, we'll do it this year...okay, next year..." >_<

Guys...now I can fully say it's quite creepy to have guys you don't know start hitting on you or at least staring your way when they didn't before. Almost makes me want to wear my glasses again to get them to stop. haha Ah, well. What can I do. Anything else on the guys topic, I'm not gonna say.

"Is something that will disappear the same as something that never existed?"

Don't you hate it when you've lost a valuable friend and it was all your fault? I have, and it sucks, because I know it's to the point where 'sorry' isn't even close to cutting it and all I can do is sit here on my bottom and slap myself for being completely difficult to deal with.

You know what I've started noticing about myself? Sure, I'm becoming more social and all, but that's what I call small talk and bs-ing. Because as I'm becoming more and more social, I'm also becoming more and more introverted. Can any of my friends right now really say what I've been thinking, how I've been feeling in the past few months? Excluding my roommate, I don't think anyone can. And I don't quite like it. But I just feel like if I keep opening myself up, I'm just going to let my own emotions take control of the relationship and completely screw it up.

Does anybody use xanga anymore?

So what's been new since the last time I was here? Oh yeah, I'm a bit done with xanga. =/ But what about everything else? Well, the main difference between freshman year and sophomore year is that I talk more than I can handle. I talk so much that oftentimes I end up tripping over my words or mixing letters up. Of course, that still applies to my close friends. I'm much better at talking to strangers (like seriously) but awkward situations still stump me. A little.

Being around my friends at college has morphed me from antisocial computer nerd to pretty social talk-a-lot. That totally did not make any sense, I know, but I didn't know how else to describe it >< Hillary was last at RU around October this past year and had to take leave of absence due to family and health issues but Monica and I hung out with her right before finals. Because I had to get to work, Hillary dropped me off after lunch and she and Monica hung out later. And Monica told me one thing Hillary said: "Wow, Rebecca's different. She's really talkative and a lot more friendly now."

haha Was I unfriendly all that time before? Most probably. And thinking back, I'm upset with the way I must've treated my friends. I'm lucky to have had the friends I had. Actually, wait. We're ALL lucky to have the friends we had/have, but anyway.

I think that's all I have to say for today. Hi, Christina - because I know you're at least one person who still uses (or used) xanga :P

Currently Listening Real as the Memory Falling to Pieces see related

A survey sounds like just what I need right now:

1: Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,A,:
bcc

2: Are you single?
Yep

3: Whats your favorite number?
Five.

4: Favorite color?
Purple. Preferably a darker version. Like Royal Purple. Or something

5: Least favorite color?
Yellow.

6: What are you listening to?
Falling to Pieces - Zach Ziskin

8: Are you happy with your life right now?
To be honest, not really. Want details, ask me.

9: Are you involved with anyone?
No.

10: What was/is you favorite subject in school?
Psych. Child/developmental psych.

11: Do you shop at hollister/abercrombie/AE?
Nope.

12: How do you make money?
Job. What else?

13: Where did you graduate from?
Somerville!

14: Are you outgoing?
Much more than I was in high school.

15: One word to describe you?
Complicated. keke

16 Do you like Big Macs?
Nope.

18: Where do you wish you were right now?
Six Flags

19: What should you be doing right now?
Writing a paper.

20: Do you have a crush on anyone right now?
I don't know.

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble?: Yesh
Can you dance?: haha!
Can you do a cart wheel?: I probably could, but I wouldn't try it =P
Can you touch your toes?: I'm so not flexible.
Can you whistle?: No!
Can you wiggle your ears?: Nope.
Can you roll your tongue?: Yep.

THE DIDS:
Did you ever want to be a doctor?: Me and my fear of the sight of blood? Me and how I feel like my own finger got chopped off if I see someone's finger get the same deal in a movie? Heck no.
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: No.

THE DO'S:
Do you believe in God?: Yes.
Do you know how to swim?: haha No. Monica, Brooke, and Steve have this idea to just pick me up and chuck me into the water..
Do you like roller coasters? Most definitely.
Do you own a bike?: Yeah.

THE DOES:
Does your car get good gas mileage?: I don't have a car :)
Does your family have family picnics?: No way.

THE HOWS:
How did you find out about Myspace?: I think a friend told me.
How many of your friends on it do you actually know? Most of them, I think. I don't remember. Haven't been on myspace in a long time.
How much money do you have on you right now?: 20?

THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with?: Monica...lunch
Last thing you said out loud?: "I found it!"

THE WHATS:
What was the last restaurant you ate at: Uh...
What was the last thing you bought?: A water bottle from the vending machine
What was the last thing you had to drink?: Iced tea
What was the last thing you watched? Watched as in what?

THE WHOS:
Who is your newest friend you added to Myspace?: Don't remember.
Who was the last person who IM'd you?: AJ
Who talked to you on the phone last?: Kelly
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: Sarah R
Who was the last person to leave you a comment?: AJ on Xanga, Ivy on Facebook
What was it about?: Stuff.

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out? Yeah, actually, and it all seems to boil down to one person who I've known all my life. Fantastic.
Ever cried yourself to sleep? Once. I think it was either last week or the week before that. Same person.
Ever cried on your friend's sholder? No.
Ever cried over the opposite sex? Well, since my dad is of the opposite sex...But as for guys, yeah. But less.
Do you cry when you get an injury? No. It's more like I laugh..
Do certain songs make you cry? No. It might make me feel a bit sad, but no crying involved.
Do certain movies make you cry? I don't think so.

LOOK AT ME:
What is your current hair color: Black
Current piercings?: Two. One in each ear.
Have any tattoos?: Zero.
Straight hair or curly?: Straight.

CURRENTLY WEARING:
What color shirt are you wearing? Black
Pants? Dark blue jeans
Shoes?: My sneakers
Necklaces?: A necklace with 'R' hanging from it, which causes my roommate to think 'Rutgers' every time she sees it.

HAVE YOU EVER:
Hugged someone? Duh.
Been on the phone until the sun came up? Nope. I can't pull all-nighters. And in that case, I'd need someone really talented at keeping me up all night.
Peed your pants? Nope. haha

THE LAST:
Person you talked to in person? Monica
Person that texted you? Kelly
You talked to online? AJ - no wait, Ivy, I think.
Time you had a shower? This morning.
Do you like surveys? They're fun time-wasters, yes, indeed.
What kind of shampoo do you use? Garnier. Yay!

CURRENT:
Current mood: I have this sense of doom hovering over me..
Current hair style: Like it usually is. Boring =P
Current desktop picture: this beautiful kid<3*