Im alive just divided in attention so much going on i dont even know what day it is half the time much less how many have passed.  I literally would forget my head if it wasnt attached! 

Oh my gosh I have done it again Ive gone and forgot all about my xanga blog..see what happens when I find a new toy or toys.  I cant ever focus on any one thing i have to multi task..ive been playing with my digi scrapping stuff again or rather gathering things to play with like a little squirell gathering lots of files and not being able at the moment to use them since this computer does not have the oomph necessary to actually use them.  It can do small ones for brag books maybe but nothing on a big scale and even the small 4 by 6 files can be pretty large for the size needed to print.

Theres been a lot going on and lots of crap as usual but nothing worth spewing about.  Shit happens you get over it and you go on.  I should not say nothing I have done something so far I just have to play the hurry up and wait game and see what it is the law does if they do anything.  I hate hurry up and wait it makes time go so so slowly. It really drags when it involves your kids.

Trying New things is hard

Its always hard to try new things.  I tell that to my 8 year old all the time. Im living it more every day.  I find that the older I get the more I hate new things.  I dont hate all new things just new situations.  I think the reason I feel that way is beacause of the people around me in my life.

If you believe the new trend of "the secret" than it is all my own doing that these people are here in my life...so is it or isnt it...and if it is how in the world do I change that and not upset the apple cart of my  8 year old daughter.  To change the people would involve leaving her father because he will not walk away from the toxic people he calls family. 

Toxic people are just that toxic.  They are poison to your sould and they have been to mine.  I allowed it I know that much but I also know that one more time yet again I have taken my life back.  I refuse to allow them to control how I feel or to feel less about myself becuase of them.

They dont have to live our live or with or physical challenges.  They have their own yes but they also have other people paying their bills so much room to speak.  They have always had plenty of room to talk about what others should do and how yet cant correct their own problems in their own lives and I am sick and tired of it and just plain fed up.  I did not move all this way to deal with this kind of aggravation.  I have to stop it now and I am going to.  I just have to figure out how.  I can not afford to make myself sick over this crap and I wont.  I will not spend one more christmas forced to play nice with that sick family I will not spend one more holiday there with that person.

I have had it with all of them.  I want my life back I want to go on and I have to figure out how.  I cant do a job that has to much physical output so that ruled out the nursing thing long ago as soon as I was diagnosed and started getting sick..i need a desk job...its the only thing that helps when the cycles run thier course..

I have to get my life back and get away from these people but how do I do it so that Kristy doesnt get her apple cart upset.  She has friends here she just doesnt want to leave.  She is scared of the change...funny...coming here was supposed to be better...and it was for awhile but not for long...now its all down hill..

i remember...the stories..i will be so happy to have a yard to do work in...i will be happy to have our own house...yah right...didnt know he was going to poison himself with that factory job and make the arthritis take over faster...

ok so what was I thinking..i let the sales girl who just happened to be a friend..translated now to "special friend" im sure of the ex..talk me into that outfit..it was somewhere in the late 80's..im guessing..86 or 76.. dont i look thrilled..never could get my hair to do what it did when the stylist did it..doesnt it always turn out that way though..I was so uncofortable and not myself in that outfit it was so not me...no wonder it took being talked into it to get it onto me!  Taught me never to shop with him again!

That was me a very long time ago in a place so far away I sometimes forget...at the point when I was just barely coming into my own.  I was just budding and blossoming into a b cup when just the year before the nickname flatsy patsy would have fit nicely...and i would have gladly hung onto it.  What made me think about that..my daugter is only 8 and already looking like she to will be an early bloomer...at 8 she has to wear undershirts or kiddi bras or listen to the constant comments from family members on "blooming early" I hated hearing it and am hoping it will be a far smoother transition for her than it was for me.  Kids are no kinder now than they were then.  The boys for some reason were just not convinced that I had bloomed, they were bent on proving instead that i had taken to an age old practice of bra stuffing.  If I wasnt careful and on guard all the time I ended up pinched, prodded and poked like a piece of meat.  The worst part was being in the 70's the teachers considered it my job to make it stop not thiers.

The picture by the way was christmas around 1973 I was 10 almost 11 in 7th grade.  I was giving my dad his present.  It wasnt all bad memories from then.  The more good I remember about it the more bad I forget.  I get tired of playing the same old bad loops over and over...I am my own worst critic....by the way gotta love those big eye brows!