Happy Valentine's Day...oops! It's already over!
It was just a busy day today. Whew.
We have been kind lucky this cold/flu season. Nobody has been sick. And the the other day I did something I never ever do. I took a nap. I woke up feeling feverish and funky. The scratchy throat and over-active asthma. David came home bearing welcomed gifts of Alka-Selzer Cold Plus. The kids began complaining of sore throats. I don't feel badly, really. Just funky. Like I could sleep for days.
And today .... the kids felt yucky. I was supposed to help my Nanny with her taxes. I forgot when I said I would help her that Thursday = Valentine's Day. So I had to  reschedule our Turbo Tax session because I had six hours of cooking already planned. I made David's favorites: homemade bread (potato bread, which takes a long time to rise anyway.) Chicken Parmigiana. Chocolate layer mousse cake. (With strawberries!) Decadent. A million calories per slice. Very, very good. Big salad with romaine lettuce and all the extras...it was supposed to have artichoke hearts in it, but I forgot them. My kids were bickering like cats and dogs at the grocery store. I am lucky I did not forget my own name while I was there. I got him a bottle of wine, tulips and candles. He brought me chocolates. It was nice evening. Dinner was a riot. My oldest got her first ever real Valentine's from a boy that she is smitten with and that was the big topic of conversation. The youngest kept blowing out the candles. David kept saying that this was a *real* Valentine's dinner. This is what all that romance gets you. A herd o' children.
My big Valentines/birthday gift (the big 39 is today) is a largish wagon that attaches to the lawnmower so I can haul compost and cow manure without killing my back. We get that tomorrow or whenever the income tax refund gets deposited. Yay for me! A shit wagon!! (Ignore me I've had too much wine  )
It's just one of those moments where I to sit back and say, "Yep. Life is ok." (And given the degree to which life was not ok in recent years, I can promise you that I do not take those moments for granted these days.)
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Conversations
My daughter gave me a precious gift the other day in her words. I have had the word selfish leveled at me quite a few times in my life. Usually by dysfunctional people...takers...who get pissed when I suddenly say, "Enough!" and make a boundary that should have been made a million years ago. But "selfish" has a sting to it. My daughters overheard a conversation between David and I...my mother is only now seeing what her leaving did to my brother and I. It's like she caused a fault line in both of us. I think I could have safely ignored a lot of the tremors in my own up until the affair. But that was like setting dynamite in all the cracks and fissures. Anyway. My girls asked me some questions about my parents and I carefully answered. Nana is not the same woman she was 20 years ago and they simply do not need to know some of that. I left it at, "My parents were exceedingly selfish people back then."
Then I said, "I am going to mess up as a parent, too. Where my parents underparented, I may do equal damage to you guys by over parenting. I amy do just as much damage by overprotecting you. I apologize in advance." Tears were welling in my eyes.
They persisted. What did they do? They have seen my father's rage first hand, so that required no explaining. But my mother? Nana is almost a saint in their eyes. As she should be.
I just said again, "She was just selfish."
My younger daughter said, "Momma. You are not selfish. Not at all."
I was in real danger of bawling then. But I just said, "Thank you." Like I had been absolved of something I never even did.
I think I live my life in mortal fear that I will destroy everyone in a little mushroom cloud of selfishness.
I told this to David tonight. I am exceedingly selfish and guard jealously some aspects of my life....my family time especially. My relationship with my husband. My kids. I am also very protective of my time alone. I said, "My time in my garden...is that selfish?"
"No, " he says. "Most people would just see that as just work. For you it is church. Your garden is your prayer closet. The rows are pews. You worship out there. You have to be selfish with that. That is where you return to what renews your strength."
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That's all I got. I wanted to write it down because it means a lot to me.
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Morning Edit....
Happy dance! Happy dance! The income tax refund is in the bank account!!! The IRS remembered my birthday! How sweet 
Plus...this is so strange. David's pay check was deposited, too. Plus, they finally found his "lost" expense check. Plus he got his another one of his 3x bigger than average expense checks. PLUS they made some quota/bonus thing, so they got an American Express gift card $$$ bonus.
I think I am going to pay bills. And make a nice big grocery shop  | 
*hugs*