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I hurt myself today
As I awoke and remembered the days that were now gone. An unintentional feeling of guilt and pain and lonliness brought on by a picture of you, found in the back pages of a book I have not touched in years. I felt drawn to the novel as it sat on my shelves, hidden but still a part.
I held the to picture, in my hands, in my heart and in my memory for just a second too long, as if wanting to know,
to see if I still feel
Your eyes still burning a hole in my soul. I tried to look away without putting the picture down, trying to focus on my life now. Trying to focus on where I have come to since that day, those years, those times.
But...
I focus on the pain
Becasue it’s the only thing I know,
The only emotion I recall
The only thing that's real
Your voice begins to play through my head... ‘I Love You’.. static and broken, far away like the pangs of an old record player, needle skipping across the words and emotion.
I reach for the arm, to stop the incessant repetition of those words, scratching the surface of the recorded voice, trying to make it stop, but my hand loses the battle, flailing within, hearing it clearer until I finally strike out, catching my flesh and
The needle tears a hole
Crimson... flowing from my hand, faster and thicker than the love I felt and gave to you. My mind replays the last time I said those three words and it feels different than it did, but still
The old familiar sting
Weaker... yet strong in it’s own right. Different and the same... emotional and subdued... I can feel it flowing through my body, and through my mind... and out through the salty tears I wipe away before they can see the light of day, not giving you one second of my emotions outside this shell in which I live. but you still exist... in my memories
I try to kill it all away
But you own a piece of me
but I remember everything
You did to show me you weren’t the person I fell in love with... the person I kissed goodnight... the person I gave myself to, body, mind and soul for so many years...
And now...
What have I become?
A man of strength and virtue... or a man so far down, there is no where left to go?
I turn to you
my sweetest friend
from my past
From the life
I don’t live anymore.
I look at the pictures still in my room, closing in and saying so many things... yet they are just pictures of people I once knew, I was once close with, I was once in the same room with, happy in a brief moment, somehow frozen in time for me to look at, and realize
everyone I know
goes away in the end
And I put your picture back... page two-hundred seventy-nine, of a novel in a collection, hiding my past... but making it easy to reach out and feel again.
And I turn and see her, standing in the hallway, wondering why I stare at a bookshelf, with my hand floating in the air, barely touching a novel I never read. The look in her eyes is familiar, as if she knows pain as well, both from me and her past.
I reach out to her, and she backs away.
I look in her eyes as if to say I Love You, but no sound comes.
She has most of me... the damaged and the forgotten
And you could have it all
Everything inside of me that bleeds... physically and psychologically
But all I give to you each night, is
my empire of dirt
I say ‘I Love You’
Meaning,
I will let you down
I say I will protect you from everything, but it’s me you should be fearful of
I will make you hurt
I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve... or my emotions on a t-shirt bought at a cheap rip-off shop in a mall on the edge of sanity.
I wear this crown of thorns
Clearly for you to see, sitting here
upon my liar's chair
You listen to me and you think you know me as she did, but all you know is a book
full of broken thoughts
You won’t know the whole thing like she did, or like I tried to show her
You can’t have that one part of my heart that
I cannot repair
You’ll never stay long enough
And I won’t let you in far enough
For you to become part of the real, true, complete me that sits
beneath the stains of time
Walk away now... I promise you
the feelings disappear
You are not her
And you never will be
You are someone else
Who will not be allowd to get close
You will never find me
Yet,
I am still right here
What have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
You should have seen it in my eyes the first time, the writing on the walls of my soul, screaming to you that all I can do and all I have...
And the only thing that I can promise you is
I will let you down
Just like I should have seen it in her eyes... the first time, clear as day, behind the fascade of love, tearing into me and ripping out my soul
Telling me from the start...
I will make you hurt
She reaches for the book and you fall from the pages, the book, our life, our love, tainted by the memories of you
If I could start again
With you... or her
A million miles away
At a different time, and a differnt place, in a different part of my heart
I would keep myself...
And I would make you hurt
The way she will hurt soon enough
The way you made me hurt for so long
And I would do it again
To see the tears flow from your eyes
And the blood flow from the wounds
And to see the emotion as it runs, and turns and rips through every inch of your soul.
I would start again and pull you back in, to cover my wounds with my infliction on you
And I would never let you love again
As I do not love her
I would make you hurt
I would find a way ...
Lyrics by Trent Reznor
Words by Mat Thompson
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| | Posted 12/7/2004 4:07 PM - 1 view - 7 comments
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