| | 7.5.03
I’m thinking it’s a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are perfectly aligned…
There has been this thing about her that makes me just lose myself in her face, and her eyes, whenever I see her. It’s a classic beauty that you rarely see and for some reason some people overlook in their quest for the beauty that society has forced upon us like a Ludovician experiment, flashing images to calm the reaction to the stimuli that lingers in her eyes, in her look and in her aura that actually reaches out and wraps itself in yours. If a picture is worth a thousand words, one look from her leaves me speechless.
I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay…
The sense of comfort in just seeing her, or being around her is overwhelming. There was never a question about whether or not there was a connection, it was just there. Whenever we needed someone, the other was there. When we questioned things from tofu to the meaning of life and everything else (once again… 42) the other person was there to lend an ear, a look, a smile or a shoulder to cry on. We were always just a few steps, a few moments or a few thoughts away from each other. Good times and bad, she could always make me smile and forget about the world for a while.
We could live
For a thousand years
But if I hurt you
I’d make wine from your tears…
I have always held onto memories through music, linking a thought, touch, moment or person to songs that I can play, or skip over, each day as I walk through the world I choose to live in. Songs remind me of someone like the smell of cookies baking reminds a person of their mother’s kitchen when they were just a child. Shared songs that make up a moment, forever put to music in your mind. A soundtrack to a girl… I have many, but hers is different. The songs I connect to would make her wonder why. She’s the only girl I have never agreed with on music. We have musical tastes that are like two magnets that you can never force together. Once in a while there is a song, but it’s like hitting the jackpot at a casino. The odds are slim.
Well, when you’re sitting there
In your silk upholstered chair
Talking to some rich folks that you know
Well I hope you wont see me
In my ragged company
You know I could never be alone…
She’s a girl who loves techno music, industrial beats and raves, and yet I look at her through the words of The Rolling Stones. In my mind we have danced a million times to Moonlight Mile and Dead Flowers. I can put in the albums Let It Bleed, Sticky Fingers and Beggars Banquet and be reminded of her through every song, verse, chord and sound, yet this is not her music. She can’t stand Bob Dylan, laughs at anything country and finds it weird when I listen to soundtracks and classic rock, but I am still reminded of her by this music.
I'll meet you down by the truck stop inn
With a bottle of booze in the back of my car
You're a song on the lips of an aging star…
I learned the songs that remind me of her on the guitar, and played them to the stars at the edge of a lake in Northern Ontario, wondering if the sound would drift far enough to slip into her sleeping thoughts. I would play them late into the night, sitting in a window, which she could see, and once in a while I could look up and catch a smile from her, a smile just for me. We lived close enough that when we slept at night, we were mere feet from each other, yet time would pass where the only connection we had were those smiles through the window, letting the music play in the background, knowing the other one was there when we needed them.
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come…
Movie soundtracks became the music we both would agree on. We shared a love for movies and it was the music to those movies that we connected with. We both watched Garden State and Donnie Darko together more than a few times and their soundtracks became part of ours. Long forgotten songs by INXS, Duran Duran and Tears for Fears became new again between us, and they still play for me to this day no matter where I am.
I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won’t escape my attention
You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I’m lost in admiration…
And I know you want to know more than the music, more of the girl who made me forget the words to songs, and forget what I was thinking when she looked at me and forget the mad world that existed around us when she smiled, but it’s only the music and the moments that I know. Our moments of intimacy are defined in a different manner than most, and her kiss remains a mystery to me, just beyond the reach of my outstretched hand. Our worlds overlap in a way where timing is both crucial and cruel.
It may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death...
We have held the other person in our arms and said the words “it’s going to be alright” so many times I’ve lost count. She was the first and last to do so in my time in London, and the last person I held before leaving that place called home. I was prepared for everything when I packed up and left home last year except for that moment outside our building when she hugged me a little tighter, and held me a little longer, and let a tear run down her face at the same time as another traced down mine. I would have stayed if she had asked… but she would never do that. We both had to let each other go and do the things we always dreamed of doing.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very, mad world…
And so I am reminded of her through music that we have never really shared, or songs that replay a small moment which she may not remember. A song she hadn’t heard for a few years that made her smile and laugh while we drove home in my car… a song which she detested in boxing class (which I gave to the instructor) which would get me this death stare, masked by a small smile… or a song from a movie where the lead characters danced together the way I will always dream of dancing with her… these are the songs that make up the soundtrack of her. They’re not so much about the moment as they are about the girl. A girl who will always be there, and the music that will remind me that I will forever be chasing those memories yet to come…
When the wind blows and the rain feels cold
with a head full of snow
with a head full of snow
In the window there's a face you know
Don't the night pass slow?
Don't the night pass slow?
Sound of strangers sending nothing to my mind
Just another mad, mad day on the road
I am just living to be lying by your side
But I'm just about a moonlight mile, on down the road…
Midnight Smile MixtapeSuch Great Heights – Iron & Wine Mad World – Gary Jules Till Kingdom Come – Coldplay Head Over Heels – Tears For Fears Nowhere With You – Joel Plaskett The Only Living Boy in New York – Simon & Garfunkel Don’t Panic – Coldplay Never Tear Us Apart - INXS Moonlight Mile – The Rolling Stones Dead Flowers – The Rolling Stones Razor Face – Elton John Teenage Dirtbag - Wheetus  Jump On It – Sir Mix-A-Lot
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