Throw it down big man, throw it downnnn!
My fondness for sports has come to an all-time low. With the Yankess
sucking major bollocks, the Knicks not making the playoffs, the NBA on
ABC song sounding more atrocious than ever (BRING BACK THE NBC THEME!), and the NHL season melting (no pun intended)--not
that I liked hockey to begin with. To
liven things, I decided to list some random thoughts and opinions about
professional sports just to keep myself content for the time being.
I love the fact that the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox are on TV all the time. I also like. . . .
1) HIV-infected needles in my eyes.
2) Long talks with my school counselor.
3)
Months of solitary confinement in a windowless room with William Hung's
Christmas Album, "Hung For the Holidays" on an endless loop.
4) Baths in tubs of Shaq's collected sweat. ::shudder::
5) Recurring bouts with jock itch.
The new dance pioneered by both teams, "the headlock."
Steroids are in every sport except. . . .
1) iPod shuffling.
2) Cursive penmanship.
3) Acorn hunts by blind hogs.
4) Hitting a bull in the butt with a golf club.
5) The special Olympics.
Houston Astros pitcher, Roger Clemens is older than. . . .
1) Julio Iglesias.
2) Joan Rivers.
3) The Franco-Prussian War.
4) San Francisco.
5) July the Fourth.
"I will eat your children--just right after I give them some Jesus juice"
Xangans who write about sports make up the stuff they write. . . .
1) Never.
2) Only if they can't steal it from Sports Illustrated.
3) Sometimes, if they're really hung over and have a class scheduled the next day.
4) Most of the time, and most of them do it because they can't spell Czechoslovakia or Kournikova.
5) Every time a friend says, "Go ask Tyson where he got that little-girl voice."
NASCAR and INDY racing would be more fun with. . . .
1) Speed bumps.
2) Self-serve gas pumps on pit row.
3) Drive-through bank deposit windows.
4) Drag-racing parachutes that pop out of Jeff Gordon's rear bumper once in a while.
5) Pedestrian crosswalks.
This is what happens when you drive with a cellphone and spill coffee all over your crotch.
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