| | 18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have.
Men's health.
What else should a man not have, besides the following...?
1.
A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers
should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of
any fight you're going to lose.
2. A witty e-mail signature.
Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke
performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence
become the digital version of a motivational poster.
3. An empty
refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry
provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly,
three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.
4.
PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like
children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or
button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
5.
A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder
of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply
leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back
end of a fork.
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
7. An unstamped passport.
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
9.
Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man
should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee,
bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
12.
The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting
someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write
your own.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a
meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a
woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
15.
A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where
they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's
office.
16. A secret handshake.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…"
Degrading Sports Photos of the Day "Move b*tch, get out my way!"  Swee, sweet, chin music.
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| | Posted 5/21/2008 6:05 PM - 1177 views - 131 comments
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DAMN RIGHT! *applause*
You're on a Roll!