Seriously, why do girls compete with each other? It is so completely childish. There is one person in my life who always wants to one up me, to top me, whatever. Not everyone, but just me. I honestly don't care if she one ups me, or steals my thunder, or whatever, except that it hurts my feelings -- and makes me really freakin' frustrated -- to realize she gets a kick out of putting me down. I wish I could tell her, "Look, you win. Whatever. You beat me. You're better at ______ and ______ and ______. You are Perfect-Woman. Congratulations. But guess what... you're also being a complete jerk, so good luck sleeping tonight knowing you suck and that I think you're a  ____."

LOL Very mature. I know.

If I thought it wasn't intentional, it honestly wouldn't bother me. And for awhile, I thought that maybe it was unintentional and I needed to give here the benefit of the doubt. But the last thing she did was really personal and obvious, and she's trying to play it off like she didn't know better. But it was intentional, even though she would pretend all day  long that it wasn't. And I really wish I was not such a weenie who even allowed people like that to hurt my feelings, but I am. Grrrrr. I hate that about myself. It's just that.... I really looked up to this girl at first. It's disappointing.

Why are you competing?

I'm not.

Go on and play your game

by yourself.

Some free verse

Where is my past?

Where's my hometown?

My music?

Where are my dreams and my wishes?

I want it all to count for something.

I want the mistakes to have taught me lessons that will preserve me in the future.

I want the good things to come back and stick around.

Why does it all seem so far away now?

I miss you.

You're there, never gone, and I miss you.

Still around in my heart, and I miss you.

No one will understand. No one will be told.

Is it really all over? The choices all made?

Will you really keep me from living my dreams?

Is there really no mid-ground?

Must one of us stand with her face in a corner 

for the other to get to keep his wants and his needs and his hopes and his dreams?

I want to run

Out in a field

Forget all that I know for a moment

I want to grab you and go

To show you the way

To remember what it used to be like

How good it was to know that you belong

How good it was to trust

How good it was to laugh

How good to love the way I loved

How good I was

Because the girl in the mirror is me

But the on the inside she doesn't remember how to be

She wonders if there ever was  one good thing to see

But if there was, she wants to show it to you

And maybe someday you'll understand and be proud

Dirt road

Sunset

This is my place

You better not stay unless invited

Quiet

Field sounds

Help me

Hurting

Calming

Healing

Alone

But not alone

It's ok

When I used to hurt like this

I thought I would always heal

Will I?

It's not okay.

Can you be okay

With that?

I trusted you

I wanted to hold onto you for dear life and never let go.

I let go.

Ick. Drama, drama, drama.

Sometimes, when it comes to friends,  it's like, you're danged if you don't and danged if you do. You want to do the right thing... whatever that is.

You see someone close to you --- or a couple of someones close to you --- headed in a direction that you think, because of your knowledge  of their situations, might be dangerous for them. However, you know that they are happy with the situation... both of them want things to continue as they are; both of them think the choices they are making will make them happy. You, being further removed from the situation and therefore having what you feel is a slightly more objective view of it, see all the events that could result from those choices, and begin to worry. You now have a choice: Either you do what your friends want you to do, and leave them alone to do as they please, or you can intervene and at least try to express your concern to them; attempt to save them from heartache later on. You know it isn't your "place," and you know that neither one of them will be happy with you once you express your feelings. Do you risk your friendships with each of them to express concerns you know they will probably ignore anyway?

Well, this is the situation I was confronted with this week. Two people I care about might be kind of rushing into something that could be VERY negative for them. One in particular i care about deeply, and this friend has just been through the fire and overcome some HUGE obstacles. This friend is an amazing, wonderful, delightful person who is very strong and capable. My fear is that this friend has not fully recovered from this recent distressing situation, and is now in another situation that could potentially (and almost definitely will) become just as distressing. I made the choice to express to one of my friends how I felt. I didn't enjoy it, I knew it wasn't "my place," and I'm positive I handled it badly. But, had I not at least expressed my heart to one of these friends, tried to get them to consider their choices and search their heart to see if this was really what they wanted, tried to get them to consider what effects their actions would have on themselves and on one another, I feel I would not have been a very good friend. I would have felt guilty if everything fell apart and I had never at least tried to stop it. Now I don't know for sure, but I feel that both of them are very angry with me. While I don't blame them, I have to believe that what I did and said, I did and said with pure intentions: the well-being of both of them. I wish they would forgive me and see my heart for them is only good and hopeful and prayerful... though my actions may have been inappropriate. I didn't know how else to handle it.

Anyway, once again, Xanga becomes Caity's therapy. Everybody have a great week!

QUESTION: What is the most difficult position you have ever been put in with a friend?

YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!     TEXAS WINS!!

TAKE THAT, CALIFORNIA BOYS!