Currently Watching Elizabethtown (Widescreen Edition) see related

Love and Marriage

In one of my most recent magazine issues, a woman wrote in asking for advice, saying something to this effect:  “I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents have been happily married for over 40 years.  What is wrong with me that I can’t settle down?  I’ve been engaged 3 times and always end up breaking it off.”  The advisor said sometimes having great parents makes it harder to commit to someone because no one will ever measure up to your father/mother and their relationship.  And I thought, “Well, I don’t think my kids will have that problem.”  I am not saying that I am not happily married.  I am!!  I am!!  I adore my husband—he is fantastic with our four kids and he does laundry, grocery shopping, and is generally helpful.  He’s fun and affectionate and interested in me and my kids.  So all is good…great…wonderful. 

Only I doubt our kids are going to grow up and think they can never achieve the perfect marriage their parents have.  Because, oh, once or twice someone (who surely isn’t me) has complained about someone else (surely not my immaculate husband) who leaves their pajamas on the bathroom floor.  And at least once before, one of us has woken up with a somewhat less than pleasant attitude and responded to the other in terse, annoyed tones.  And it may be that I remember some bitter, fleeting phrases regarding the punctuality of another, especially with regards to churchgoing (or was it baseball practices?  Or leaving for the airport?  Hmmm, one of those, I think.).  But you may rest assured that with our placid temperaments no one would ever hold an opinion so strongly that they would do anything mildly related to arguing.  And certainly no one would ever say “I need a break” and flee to the mall or the computer because what could be more enticing that being by the side of our beloved?  Otherwise, I am almost sure we always dance about humming “So this love” with dreamy smiles on our faces while we vacuum and clean toilets (every month or so), with possibly the exception of when we are involved in engrossing conversations about whether one drop of water can stop a fire or figuring out the exact schedule for who plays Lego Star Wars when.

Umm, er… 

Okay, so maybe we are not presenting Adam and Eve’s garden relationship (and look where all that perfection led).  But I honestly think we have one of the best relationships I’ve seen (of course, since I haven’t really left our house except for brief excursions and vacations with family for more than two years, that might not be saying much).  I’m not even sure I’m aiming for perfection unless perfection involves people who can be genuine and grumpy and disagree (occasionally) and yet still give and take and love and persevere and enjoy each other.  And while I want to learn to be more self-controlled and loving and kind, I also want to show my kids by example that love involves accepting someone in totality, including their grumpy, unclean pieces that of course, it’s just possible we might be working at changing.