Other than Coach Barrett, I feel that I am not really wanted by the Athletics Department. Last week was sort of a tale-tell sign when Coach, Jashira and Leah organized the office, while I was told by Margie to not touch anything. Coupled by, "Akil, do not touch this...," "We'll handle this. You can go run along now," and other justifiable statements, I feel like they want me to do the work that they never want to touch, and the work that I feel that I should be working at, I don't.
I believe the language is "We will see how it goes next year" when approaching with me continuing with Athletics, or my Graduate Assistant position. I think they know that I'm pretty much useless to their eyes, which is sad, because I do a lot of work that people do not even want to touch with a ten foot pole. I am never afraid of being the scapegoat for when there is something that goes wrong, but when it involves me and I make a suggestion for a solution, I'm ignored, and not getting a chance to defend myself because the fault is undue, unjust, and not in my control. The thing is, when you are set up to fail, you look for everything to see how can you succeed at doing this, but you fail, because the trust in fixing problems, even when they're not your own, they feel very tense because it will affect their jobs consequently, even if there is no consequence for them at all.
Anywho, finishing out this semester seems to be pulling teeth. I do not know if I am unmotivated as ever. This feels as a complete 360-degree pull from last year as I was eager to get an opportunity. I guess the opportunity that I had was to have some sort of latitude in my life, and all I experience is adversity that I am failing against, quite miserably. I need to change this part of me, because it has become my undoing and the hint of why I cannot keep a job, or people to trust me.
May be this is why my bosses, my co-workers, professors feel this way about me. Everyone controls my life because they have a title, a purpose or responsibility, and by taking a backseat to those individuals, I may be greater than a pawn, but I'm a misused knight, easily captured by others. Life, as in chess, I need to restart a new game and be careful of what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.
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as for everything else, i was seriously considering therapy because of how cyclical my life is. work, work, work, manage stress, work, get insanely anxious and not realize this should be a part of managing stress, work, get stressed out, get sick, get emo, stop working. the inactivity feeds the emo. activity feeds the ego which averts my attention essentially feeding the emo ultimately, too.
the thing about chess is that you work as a team assuming the opponent is going to be making the best moves possible. with this in mind it's always possible to predict a move or few ahead. when it rains, it pours. LOL that's the phrase i was trying to rmemeber today! i kept thinking, "when it snows, it blows" 'nono that cant be right'. lol oh right. digress. you and/or your own life is the opponent.
you are the pawn. you are the knight. you are the bishop, the queen, the rook, and the king. if you weren't, then the best you can best is just maintaining a title... which in itself is something apparently we're not yet well-equipped for. you don't have to prove anything to anyone, but it helps having supportive people around you... go at your own pace. the point is to keep track of the fact that you are busying yourself with the going not so much as with why you've gotten where you are today...
i guess we're kinda slow compared to other people.
but today is only a pit stop. it's road service. im not even sure if hteyll have paved paths on the routes we're going to end up taking. and the fact that that doesnt bother or scare me means, despite how lost-as-shit i am, that i'll be going somewhere.