Tuesday, May 20, 2008

• I'm back in the land of the living.  I suspect that it has something to do with my necklace that I bought the last day in Mexico--still, I'll take it where I can get it.  I won't be delving into what has kept me away except for one facet of it.  That is my self esteem. 
  
  These past two weeks have been emotionally wrecking for me.  I have been withdrawn and much in my head during this time.  I always have to do that.  When I get an issue that bothers me, it's a mental wrestling match until I get it figured out.  When that issue involves my relationships, it becomes doubly hard.  My fear keeps me from doing anything other than keeping it mental.  I am always afraid of doing more damage when I'm withdrawn.  In these periods, I am too out of touch with 'real' and I'm aware of that, so I do nothing. 
  
  This time was particularly hard.  I suspect that it was because I had less distractions.  The issues surfaced during the last half of our vacation.  Some of it was common stuff, like different expectations regarding how to spend our time or what our expectations of sex would be like.  This time around the issues got amplification simply because we weren't coordinating the kids (because they weren't there) or driving to places (because we didn't have a car) or considering our friends (because we usually travel and stay at their house).  Without that, the surface problems gave way to larger, uglier things that have been a repeated theme, one that we never make much effort at figuring out simply because of life and time. 
  
  This time around we weren't able to avoid it and the resulting mess shook me.  I haven't felt this vulnerable and stripped since early in our relationship fifteen years ago.  Everything is ripped open good.  And in my withdrawal period, I spent time really looking at what my responsibilities were, what I was accountable for in terms of fault.  I took a good look at what I wasn't responsible for and didn't have control over (others perceptions, feelings, wants or needs).  That one scared me good.  When the things I don't have control over have a heavy influence on the future, I panicked.  I dwelled on that for a long time wondering if I read it wrong or wondering if there was a way I could influence the issue.  But I couldn't.  And that sent me into despair.
  
  I'm not entirely sure what was the catalyst was for the next mental change.  Maybe it was the despair that sent me so deep within myself, that I was the only thing I could see.  What is important was that I didn't like what I could see.  And when I thought back to early in our relationship about what I was like then, the difference was that I did like myself, I did consider myself strong.  Thinking more on this, I came to realize that it was an easy thing to have confidence.  My life was difficult and had been since I was about ten.  I was surrounded by social pressures and family pressure that was insane.  The people I chose to surround myself with accepted me, even the adults.  The people I was surrounded with that I didn't choose, didn't accept me (mostly my family).   That second group was so messed up that it was easy to feel confident and special.  It was easy to see that I was 'normal' while they weren't.  Other people could see that this wasn't a product of teenage angst.  I was struggling to maintain what I knew to be true rather than concede myself and my mental health to what I knew would damage me.
  
  There is something interesting I learned about bones when I took anatomy.  Bones are dynamic.  They are alive inside out and constantly are in flux and being remodeled on a molecular level.  It's possible to learn much from just looking at them.  One of significant things about looking at them is that the ridges and hollows on them are made by muscle pulling on them.  Constant tension will strengthen them and define them further.  For example it's possible to tell if a culture interacted with large water sources by studying the bones of the shoulder.  Certain patterns will arise on the shoulder because the deltoid will be used for rowing and swimming where it doesn't with other activities not involving water.
  
  And so my structure, my psyche was pulled on hard and with constant tension since I was ten.  It continued early into my current relationship when we had children at the outset.  This made me strong.  There was many challenges in my life and they've been notable to others.  But at one point, it stopped being unique.  I passed the point where I felt I was an individual.  Life had started to calm and the tension had gone away.  With it, the awareness of myself had gone away.  I stopped paying attention to me.  What is at all unique about a suburban mother of two, in her mid-thirties, who works and volunteers?  Nothing.
  
  This isn't the first crisis of self esteem that I've had, but none have been this deep in a while.  The awareness of myself has come back.  While I don't wish the challenges to come back, I realize that I am responsible for creating the constant pull that I need to keep this sense of self.  Through the years it has been misplaced in being the "unique" individual who had so much difficulty.  I should have expected that change.  I was working hard enough to make some peace and contentment, I just didn't realize how much of myself was wrapped up in the struggles.  By placing my worth in outside views of me as a "survivor" of young pregnancy, divorce, gang neighborhood and psychological family damage; I unintentionally set myself up for a larger failure later. 
  
  I don't intend to make that mistake again.  I will root myself in something solid.  I will root myself in what is unchangeable and immutable.  It's time to really come Home.
  

  • 11:22 AM
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