Currently Listening Hancock see related

Happy Labor Day, everyone! My plan was to sleep in so late today that I would miss the day. Unfortunately, a small group of some of the more mentally feeble members of my unit decided to wake me up at 9:30. And somehow they ended up getting drenched by bottled water. Funny how these things work themselves out.

So, I'm back at the 'Ville, and I've been pretty busy. Have a look at my schedule for this semester:

11:00 a.m., TR: Old Testament Literature. My professor for this class is a really cool guy named Dr. Sprinkle. I could have had this class at 8:00 in the morning, but I didn't think I'd be able to handle a name like "Sprinkle" that early in the morning without wanting donuts. Plus, then I wouldn't have an excuse to drench my unit-mates with water when I woke up that early.

12:00 p.m., MWF: Politics and American Culture. Now here's something I'll use every day. This is one of those classes where class participation is a huge part of your grade, so you know what that means--everybody constantly raising their hand to share something, regardless of how retarded it actually is. So far, I've shared with the class that I thought George Washington had cool hair and that Thomas Jefferson had really nice handwriting. My professor, Dr. Smith (a man I respect on the sole grounds that he wears a bow tie every day), explicitly said that he didn't mind if people ate during the class. So I intend to take him up on that. I figure I'll start out small, with an orange or something (because everybody within a quarter-mile radius can sense when an orange is being peeled) and hopefully be eating steak dinners by the end of the semester. In between bites, I'll get my class participation by sharing fun facts about whoever we're talking about. They'll be discussing how Jefferson was a deist, and I'll just raise my hand and say, "Did you guys know that Jefferson invented the dumbwaiter?" Then take another bite of potatoes. I can see this class working out well.

1:00 p.m., MWF: Physics I. Don't get me wrong: I love math. But I hate physics. It's the story problems that get me. I get questions like, "A woman walks 300 miles from point A to point B. Find the trigonometric ratio of the third quadrant tangent over the cosine of alpha plus the negative cube root of the angle theta," and I just stare at the paper and think, "Hmmm ... what kind of shoes was she wearing? I mean, three hundred miles? Dang." Fortunately, Dr. Chen loves me. The desks are set up in a semi-circular fashion, with one small table in the middle right in front--that's where I sit, all by myself. So Dr. Chen and I dialogue throughout the class, and whenever he gives in class homework, he'll just walk up to me, look at my work, and compliment me. "Oh, very good, Steve!", "Oh, you're so fast, Steve!" I'm pretty convinced I could absolutely nothing, and he'd walk up to me and say, "Good breathing today, Steve!" What's better, he treats me like some sort of child prodigy and gives me the final word on in class discussions. I'm surrounded by people that I go to for help on physics homework, and he's talking to me like I could beat Bobby Fischer at chess in three moves. But I need to keep up the charade that I know physics for as long as I can. I need the self-esteem boost in the afternoon.

2:00 p.m., MWF: Logic and Methods of Proof. I'm looking forward to this class because, let's face it, this is what I could be doing the rest of my life, so I better enjoy it. Throughout the year, I'll be using logic to prove things like, "tomorrow isn't Tuesday," and "The letter 'p' comes after the letter 'o'." I'm hoping that by the end of the year, I'll be proving things like, "my cat is very furry," "Taco Bell's menu is overpriced," and "the butler committed the murder." Heaven knows what I'll be able to convince Justin to do once my argumentative powers have been unleashed.

Online Class: Western Literature. I originally had this online class with an instructer named Dr. Deardorff, but I was informed that I would be expected to actually work. I guess I should have known better than to sign up for a class with an instructor whose name sounded like he could be teaching at Hogwart's. Since my goal is an easy "A" and not actual education, I switched to Dr. Spencer, a charming old fellow who expects much less of me, which should, in turn, be much easier to please. In fact, by the looks of the syllabus, I might actually be able to complete the entire class within a week if I put my mind to it and ignored pointless things like people, sleeping, or food. I think it's worth looking into.

So that's my schedule. Should be a good semester. And yes, I have a new roommate this year: Luke Clore. I've known Luke for quite a few years, so we should have some good times. But just in case we don't, I've made a list of some good times I'll have with him whether or not he'll be ready for them:

1.) I'll start off the year with some "small things that annoy me," like tapping on the desk, playing music, or eating crunchy food. Then I'll gradually escalate my "annoyances" throughout the semester. By December, I'll be saying things like, "Oh, man--could you please not wear red shirts? That really annoys me." "Dude, could you stop getting the hiccups?" "Hey man, you've been sitting down a long time. Could you do your work standing up? Your sitting down is starting to get under my skin." Problem is, Luke's a pretty easy-going guy, so he probably wouldn't even realize what I'm up to.

2.) I want to set it up so he walks into the room and catches me writing, "Steve Clore ... Mr. Steve Clore ... Mr. and Mr. Luke Clore" in a small notebook in curly letters. That'll throw him off.

3.) I hope to get a bunch of feathers, then leave a trail of them leading into our room. Luke will follow them into the room and see them lead up to a dinner plate, and I'll have feathers all over my shirt. Then I'll say something like, "Oh...you're back early...if I'd known, I would have saved you some."

4.) I'm going to leave strange activities on my calendar, like "eat a squirrel," or "lick the Dixon Statue." In time, I'll start leaving things like, "cut Luke's clothes into pieces," and "eat Luke's computer." We'll see if he stops hanging around the room.

5.) I plan to start moving Luke's desk one inch close to the hallway on a weekly basis. In a couple months, his desk will be completely blocking the doorway, and by the end of the semester, he'll be in the lounge. I don't really know what I'm hoping to prove by this, but I'm sure it will be educational.

Well, that's all I've got time for--but stay tuned. The next post is my Seventy-Fifth Post Extravaganza, and I'll be sharing things like the journal I kept while watching my cats in the basement, the application I made Luke fill out to be my roommate, and more. I hope to post that later this month. In the mean time, please send me brownies. It's tough being a college student. And I don't have Dr. Chen to boost my self-esteem on the weekends.

-Steve

Currently Listening Armageddon: The Original Motion Picture Score see related

There's only two days left before I have to be back at school, so I should probably update this again. That way I can have a little morale boost right before I leave when everyone starts leaving me comments that say, "You're awesome, Steve!","You're absolutely hilarious, Steve!","I spend every waking moment wishing I was wish you, Steve!" and "I beg you to father my children, Steve!" Please don't hold back on the compliments. I won't judge you.

We had the second annual Stephenbowl last week. The Monks (Abe and Jesse) played X-Factor (Josh and Kyle Daugherty). It was a pretty emotional game. I had my neighbor Ludwik throw out the first pitch after I sang the national anthem (I had no idea the melody went so high), and Jesse's old roommate Nate helped me ref / took all the blame for bad calls. The Monks managed to win by one point, my house is still in tact, and I got to give out a technical violation for mooning. I'd say it was a great game all around.

And of course, August 4th was Carbonation Day (3rd annual). As you may recall, Abe and I decided to take a day off from running a couple years ago when we ran cross country. Once again, neither of us were running this summer, but we took the day off anyway and went to pre-designated stops to take junk food and carbonated beverages. Since we always go to Wendy's first, we thought about asking the manager to sponsor our holiday and give us free food (or even just give me and Abe free food, it really didn't matter). In return, we'd put their names on the back of our shirts. However, I saw the manager one time, and he was a rather large man who didn't look like he laughed very often, so I chickened out. After all, it would put a damper on the holiday if I got eaten or something. But we still drove around to several people's houses, including people who weren't home, like the Stantons and the Howdyshells (when we went there, we pulled out some lawn chairs, sat in their lawns, and drank a glass of pop to their respects). For next year, I hope to start a drinking game, where we all have to take a drink anytime anybody mentions Abe's facial hair, asks Abe if he's running cross country, or whenever Dieter says the words, "Are you a nice kitty?" If you want to be a stop for next year, let me know. If you can bake, send me a sample. I'm not even joking.

So I was cleaning out my dresser the other day, and I found this drawer that apparently I filled with things from elementary school. I found a few things of note:

• My pencil box. I'd forgotten all about pencil boxes. This one was full of goodies like colored pencils, metallic colored markers, and a rubber eraser that, apparently, I could not resist the urge to poke holes into and draw happy faces on. I also found scented markers, with cool scents like strawberry, lemon, and marshmallow. I'm repeatedly amazed that parents buy these for their children. Yeah, let's get them in the habit of sniffing markers. I think to undo this, we need to start making scents like "garlic," "manure," and "Chicago." That'll make kids stop sniffing markers in the same way that Harry Potter "Anything Beans" made me stop eating jelly beans.
• My old notepad. Apparently I had a notepad that I wrote down the birthdays of everyone I knew. Other pages include my own name written more than twenty times, and a list of my favorite girls' names. Evidently I really liked the name Julie. Who knew?
• A cassette tape. It was labeled, "Stephen's Songs." I was really hoping it was a tape of me singing, because that would be priceless. But no, it was actually a tape of some of my favorite songs at the time. I'd tell you what those songs were, but you'd think less of me. So I'll leave it to your own imagination, where it's bound to be far more humiliating than in real life.
• Newspapers. But really, the only part of the newspaper that matters: the comics section. I was amazed at how much had changed in the comics in eight years. There were five papers on Sunday, Foxtrot was still in print, there were still those serious "soap opera" strips, and "Born Loser" was actually funny. I always wondered if people actually read the serious comics like "Prince Valiant." I took a look at one. It was about as interesting as my high school literature class and about as funny as the jokes they put on the back of "Laffy Taffy." If either of those are for you, I'd be more than willing to sell select papers to you.

I've been having some trouble all summer with people stealing my Tennessee car decal, a large orange "T" magnet that goes on the back of my car. My friends, mainly Kyle Drake, somehow delight in taking it off my vehicle and hiding it for a while. I had a few ideas on how to stop this nonsense:

• Buy a Tennessee sticker and put it right under the magnet, so the next time they take the "T" off, there's another one right beneath it.
• Buy the sticker, then put it on after they take the T. Then I'll pretend like they took a decal off the wrong car.
• Wait until Kyle steals it, then buy a sticker of a team he hates and slap it on his car. My first thought was to buy an Ohio State sticker, but I don't like to touch that kind of thing with my hands. I probably wouldn't be able to bring myself to buy it either. I'd be in the store, asking other people to buy it for me. "Hey, man, can you buy this for me? I'll give you the money and everything. I just can't bring myself to do it myself." Then it occurred to me that Kyle hates the Colts, and I have no problem buying Colts stuff. Granted, I'm not sure that's a war I want to start with Kyle, but it would definitely be worth considering.

About a week ago, the T went missing again, but it turned out to be Rachael. She tried to set it up so that Kyle would take the blame for it, though, by putting it on the back of his car. Once Kyle and I figured out it was her, we arranged for him to call me when he knew she'd be around. I put him on speaker-phone, and he went on to tell me about how the T, which he "didn't know was on the back of his vehicle," got knocked off somehow, got run over by the lawn mower, and was now in a thousand different pieces. We came clean after appropriately freaking Rachael out. Maybe she'll think twice before stealing car decals next time.

Well, that's pretty much it for the summer. Cedarville is just around the corner.

I head back to the 'Ville this Friday. And perhaps more importantly, National Homeless Animals Day is on Saturday. Give a hug to a homeless animal. And be sure to check out the full moon.

Another update's coming soon with class schedule and things I'll be doing to Luke, my new roommate. Should be a good post. You won't want to miss it. Especially since these last couple posts kind of sucked.

Cheers!

-Steve

Currently Listening Signs of Life By Steven Curtis Chapman see related

I've been meaning to update for a few days now, but I was secretly hoping to get that fifteenth comment. Don't get me wrong: I'm thrilled with fourteen. Even though one was from my mother, one was from my cat, and one was from some strange combination of both my mother and the cat, which I'll grant are identities that are becoming increasingly hard to distinguish between. Still, you remember the last time I had fourteen comments? I do. I looked it up. It was June 24, 2005--over three years ago. I had twenty-one comments. I thought maybe I could take some cues from what I discussed in attempt to try to boost my comments on this post. I talked about the innovative uses I discovered for my cat, my parent's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, tickets for the Stephenball championship (the "Stephen Train" derailed, in case you were wondering), and then I complained about people pestering me to update. I didn't know what I had. I had people beating down my door for me to post on Xanga. Now granted, seven of the twenty-one comments were from Jessica (one was even just to tell me that I had twenty comments), and eight were a fascinating conversation between Amanda and Kendra about me switching eyes with people, but hey, twenty-one comments is still twenty-one comments. Beggars can't be choosers.

Several of you shared my sentiment about the TRUE badge. I'm happy to announce that my comments extravaganza brought me to an astounding 68% progress. Now they're going to make me post more before they'll give me the other 32%. Which means I have to make thirty two more posts before I'm a TRUE member. Yeah right. There goes that dream. Right down the toilet. Just like my dream of hosting a game show. It's a cold, cruel world. So maybe I won't be a "Xangalebrity" as they call them. I did turn my RSS feed back on so I get footprints from people all around the globe again. That was a good morale boost. I guess I'm comfortable with the way things worked out.

We took our family vacation to Traverse City a few weeks ago, which was a good vacation, but strangely predictable. We basically did the same things we always do. My sister and I agreed that it could used some "mixing up."  But it was a good vacation nonetheless.

For starters, we went to Grande Traverse Mall. We usually walk around the mall looking at things we have no intention of buying. This year, I spent a lot of time in a bookstore getting yelled at for climbing on ladders to access books that are out of my reach. I guess those books are for twelve-foot tall people only. Also, it turns out you're not allowed to solve the sudoku puzzles in the books before you buy them. Fun fact.

The next day, we did our usual "hike the Sleeping Bear Dunes trail to Lake Michigan and back adventure." On the way there, I had the pleasure of enjoying my sister and father talking in Irish and Scottish accents the entire way there, while I tried to list off in my mind everywhere else on earth I'd rather be (hint: Ireland and Scotland were not on the list). Actually, I was too far behind them most of the time to hear them, usually because I was emptying the sand out of my shoes. When the trip was over, it took so long to empty the sand out of my shoe that we used it to play a game of "Pictionary." It was good exercise, though. I'd do it again. Except I'd probably bring sandles. And I might rethink the Pictionary joke.

The last day, we canoed down a river. This year, me, my father, and my sister got a canoe and towed my mother in a tube down a small river that I always forget the name of. It was kind of cool at first, but by the end I started thinking, "Wow...this would be even more awesome if I still felt like paddling." Maybe if there were Indians chasing us with spears, or if I was with Indiana Jones and we had to get the sacred Gem of Furriness across the border before we were cursed with eternal facial fuzz, or if Michael Moore was running behind me telling me about the new movie he was coming out with, then maybe I'd feel like paddling harder. As it was, my main incentive to keep going was to see if I could get my mother to collide with other tubers. No success.

We went home the next day. I listened to music and played "the alphabet game" with myself. It's a lot harder when you use the Greek alphabet.

It was good to get away with the family. My father and I will be revisiting Traverse City this weekend for the Cherry Festival. No doubt it will be good times.

So I saw one of those advertisements on the side of a website that told me I could see how good of a match I was with my true love. Now normally, I don't fall for these things, but this one looked legit. It even had a picture of a heart, and I think they used actual math (and something about the zodiac. I wasn't really paying attention). So I thought I'd see how accurate it really was.

Name: Steve
Birthday: April 30

Now came the tricky part. I had to make sure this thing was going to tell me the truth. So I thought it over and came up with my true love.

Name: Apple Pie

Now I had to come up with a birthday. Since I didn't really know, and Wikipedia wasn't specific enough, I based my reasoning on the fact that there is nothing more American than apple pie.

Birthday: July 4

The results are astoundingly accurate:

"Mostly an amorous and passionate combination." You have no idea.
"Their desires could explode into delightful pleasures." That about sums it up. And we're not even talking about adding ice cream yet.
"The sensitive Cancer woman can feel protected by the attentive and strong character of the Taurus man." Yeah, I wasn't sure about this. I'm not sure I would feel protected by someone who wanted to eat me. But I assume that food likes to be eaten. And if I enjoyed being eaten, I'd probably enjoy it even more if the person eating me was attentive and had strong character.
"Like all relationships, outside influences can determine whether or not this will stand the test of time." Outside influences include: cheesecake, chocolate x-treme blizzards from Dairy Queen, my cat's furriness, and whether or not I actually feel like apple pie today.

I think we're all impressed with the accuracy. And to think you probably doubted me.

That appropriately sums up my last few weeks. For those of you interested, I have started adding videos to my "video section" in response to the swarms of RSS feeders visiting my video blog. I have to keep the public happy. It's good to be loved.

Have an awesome day.

-Steve

Currently Listening Sahara By Clint Mansell see related

I know. I’m just as surprised as you that I’m posting again. I like to pretend that this is like my fan club, and I picture all of you sitting in a room listening to me talking. You’re all smiling, leaning in on the edge of your seats to hear what I’ll say next. You should really see yourselves. It’s a pretty comical mental picture.

Part of the reason I’m positing again so soon might be because these “Xanga Badges” things make me feel guilty. Apparently, the best Xanga users get these cool little badges on their site that say “TRUE” to indicate a true Xanga poster person. I checked my own status on becoming one of the few, the proud…I’m at 20%. I’ve been here three years, and I’m one-fifth of the way to becoming a true member. They tell me I need to “post more!” and “leave more comments!” to become a true member. So, before I posted this, I went around to all of the sites of people who subscribe to me and left a friendly comment, including the people who stopped using Xanga a long time ago but never got around to getting rid of their sites. So if you’re wondering why suddenly, out of the blue, you got a friendly comment from Steve telling you how fantastic you look today, now you know why. And because I want you guys to know that I care and that I read what you have to say. But that’s aside the point. Given my luck, though, they’ll keep raising the bar on how to become a true member. They’ll be like “upload more photos!” or “eat more celery!” or “make a background of you holding an instrument you can actually play!” I’ll probably be seventy-five by the time I’m actually a true member, and all of my grandkids will be like, “You still use the internet? Geez, you’re old. Want some celery, pops?” But I still plod along, posting this, my seventy-first post (get ready—there’s a big party coming on the seventy-fifth). You’d think that the way people are abandoning Xanga left and right, they’d have a badge that says “STILL HERE.” I think I’m well-qualified.

It’s not like I can ignore Xanga. I keep getting these friendly messages from people inviting me to their site, which they say have lots of really nice pictures. Somehow, though, all of their Xanga sites got shut down for abusing the terms of service. Go figure. I just got a message recently from someone named “twinkelmytoes.” That seemed awkward to me, so I looked up “twinkle” in the dictionary, and sure enough, it still means to shine with a flickering light. I can’t remember the last time I saw my own toes twinkle, and I’m not entirely sure how to make them do so on my own body, let alone hers. So she’ll have to find somebody else. It was still nice to get the friendly messages, though. Maybe she’s just trying to get a TRUE badge. I should send messages to my friends asking them to “twinkle” various body parts and see if that tips me over the edge on the true-meter.

So, what have I been up to? I’m glad you asked. I’ve found various ways to keep myself busy.

I’m learning to play the guitar. It only seemed right. I finally have the callouses on my fingertips, or “power-ups,” as I like to call them. I’m still not very good, but I’ve already written two songs. One is about how much I hate the guitar. The other is about my cat climbing in the guitar case. You really had to be there, though.

I’m teaching myself origami. It’s pretty basic right now, though. So far I’ve made a cat’s face, and…well, that’s about it. I’m discovering that it is neither one of my interests nor one of my talents. Amanda tried to teach how to make a “cootie-catcher” at one point last year, and that didn’t turn out too well either. It’s a good thing I wasn’t ever attacked by cooties, or I would have been in big trouble. But anyway…I’m hoping to at least progress up from making two folds and calling it good. The swan looks very nice, but I’m more interested in the kind of origami that moves when you pull on it right. With practice, I’ll be making dragons that actually eat people. I’d be getting on my nice side if I were you.

I’m writing a book. Yeah, it’s the same book I started four years ago. No, I haven’t gotten any farther with it. In fact, I’ve actually taken a bunch out. It’s like I’m working in reverse. In a few months, the book might not even exist anymore. Better read it while you can.

I’m learning the flute. But it’s been a terribly discouraging experience. Not to mention the fact that I used to make fun of the flutes endlessly with my tenor-sax brother Jake Fox. Now I’m a shame to the section, and I can’t even play the dang thing. Get this: for a high C, you have to continue to hold the instrument up to your mouth without using any hands! It’s like the whole instrument is a practical joke. I don’t know how anybody can play the thing. Let me tell you: my flute-joking days are over. Because I’m not messing with anybody who could be using witchcraft to hold a horn up to their mouths. It’s just not worth it.

I’m pranking my mother’s computer. You know that thing I told you I was going to do to Justin with the words on the screen? I did that to my mother instead. It was hilarious. She was all flapping her arms around saying “Oh no! What do I do?” (She’ll probably leave a comment saying she didn’t do that, but don’t listen to her). She’s also taken to watching episodes of Lost on the internet. So I conveniently arranged for the Microsoft Office paper clip to pop up during an episode and say things like, “It looks like you’re watching Lost! Would you like me to recommend a list of alternative activities you could be doing?” or “I think I’ve seen this episode. Would you like to know what happens?” and “I think Sawyer is attractive. Do you agree?” She almost saw the humor in it.

Well, I suppose this has gone on long enough. We’ll see if I can find anything to talk about next time. Of course, I didn’t really have anything to talk about this time, and I suppose it turned out all right. I’d better be careful, though. I wouldn’t want to get tagged.

Have a wonderful day, and you all look fantastic.

Currently Listening A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay see related

All right, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a little overdue for a post (actually, I'm the third, but that's irrelevant). I know it's been five months since I've updated this, but hey, that is the longest time I've ever taken--so maybe instead of chastising me, a round of applause is actually in order. I mean, this is a new record! And I couldn't have done it without you guys! Well, yeah, actually I could've. In fact, it would have been easier without you. But that's also irrelevant. Let's see if I can sum up five months in one post.

I managed to finish up my Freshman year of college, although I'm afraid the 4.0 died a nasty and brutal death after my B- in Calculus II. But in my defense, Dr. Frey is pretty much the smartest man on the planet, so his tests are like "In two minutes, construct your own time machine. Use only objects found in your bag." And he goes through the material so fast that if you miss a day, you come back and hear, "Oh yeah, we learned Latin yesterday. All future lessons will be in that now." So, sure, my grade got Frey'd, but at least I survived the class, and now I can at least understand Calculus II, as well as tell people how they can build their own time machines. In Latin.

I managed to get A's in all of my other classes, including humanities (an art-appreciation class). As a class project, we took a field trip to the opera and saw The Barber of Seville. I dressed up in a tuxedo for the event, but I finished getting ready earlier than expected, so I decided to have dinner at the little campus restaurant called "The Hive." The great thing about the Hive is that they ask you for your name after the order and call you up with a microphone. So I got to give my name as "Bond, James Bond" and casually slip the money to the girl behind the cash register while looking the other direction (she played along, too). While waiting for my order, I stared at the people at the table next to me and wrote in a little black notebook. It looked like I was taking notes on their actions, but I was actually just drawing a picture of a cat falling in love with tuna. So I'd say the evening was a success. Oh, and the opera was decent, too.

I quickly learned that part of college is defending your property. I can't tell you how many times people would come in and take my oatmeal pies, and whenever I heard Dan Hess was coming over, I'd hide my cereal bars (I actually found a box of them under my bed while cleaning out for the summer. I wondered where those went. I just assumed he got to them). But the biggest surprise was the day my toothpaste went missing. I figured there were three possible solutions to this scenario:

1.) I had accidentally left it in the bathroom, and the bathroom maintenance people took it and locked in the room with all of their other spoils.
2.) It was Dan Hess because he has a history of taking my things.
3.) It was "Electra," the nickname I gave the girl who grades my calculus papers, because I have deemed her the scapegoat for all of my problems.

Upon further investigation, Dan Hess did not have it. I interrogated him myself with nothing but a shoehorn and a salmon in a tube sock. I figure it's got to be in the spoils closet, but I don't think even Indiana Jones could find it in there. Oh well. It's just toothpaste. If it had been my puppy slippers or Tennessee boxers, I might have been more passionate to find it.

After six years of being blind in my right eye, I finally had surgery to give me a new cornea. The surgery went great, but a mishap in the medication they gave me sent me to the hospital with extreme stomach pains and nausea. I bring this up because I want to warn all of you: if you ever need to go to ER, try to avoid the University of Michigan hospital. It's way too busy there. I sat in a bed in the hallway for five hours waiting for a doctor to see me...and they wouldn't even let me use a real restroom. I had to pee in this jar behind a small curtain in the middle of the hallway (and I've got performance issues without that kind of pressure)--not to mention the fact that going to the bathroom triggered vomiting. Once the doctors saw me, they ran every test they could think of, including an ultrasound (I thought maybe I was pregnant). Overall, it was not a pleasant experience (and I think my Nana would roll over in her grave if she saw the chop suey they gave me). But I'm feeling much better now, and the eye is still intact. I should be able to see perfectly out of it in a few months. I waited six years, right? So what's a few more months?

Other than that, not much has happened. So I'll fill this up with a couple lists. It's the only thing I really know how to do.

Things I did to keep myself entertained at college:

1.) In the lower lever of the student center, there's this little coffee shop called Vecinos, and they've set up a bunch of tables and chairs around it. Naturally, this is a popular spot for couples to hang out. A friend of mine and I went there and sat down at a table right across from a couple that appeared to be having a serious conversation. We had planned our arrival such that I was in the middle of an extravagant story when we sat down, and you could tell that the couple was trying to ignore us, but just couldn't help but listen in. So they're trying to have a serious discussion but keep hearing, "Ok, so by this point, feathers are going everywhere, and I've still got the jelly on my hands, right? So then my boss walks in with the goat, and I'm thinking 'what timing!', you know?" You could tell that they were dying to hear the beginning of the story but were too shy to ask. So my friend starts what sounds like it's going to be an interesting story ("Oh, did I ever tell you the story about my grandma and the humpback whale?"), and we just got up and left. Those poor people.

2.) Nate Smith, my R.A., and I dressed up like referees, created little yellow flags, then ran around throwing them at people, blowing our whistles, and calling random penalties on them as we saw fit. We basically went looking for couples. We made some great calls, like...

• Illegal use of hands
• Delay of hug
• Six-inch rule violation (that's a personal foul--fifteen inch penalty)
• Roughing the boyfriend
• Boring conversation topic
• Intentional ugliness (also a personal foul)

We also had a red flag so people could challenge. If they did, we stared at a wall for a minute and talked it over. I say we played it pretty fair. We actually found a whole bunch of couples in the chapel room, but the vast number of them in "cuddle-mode" intimidated us, and we high-tailed it out of there. It just goes to show that sometimes referees don't call everything they see.

3.) I like to fool around in PowerPoint, so I made myself a really nice Tennessee Volunteers desktop wallpaper. When Kyle Brenneman, who lived right across the hall from me, saw my amazing piece of artwork, he had the gumption to remark, "Oh, you should make me an Ohio State one." I spewed what I was drinking everywhere, but I ended up making him one. It actually looked pretty awesome, and he set it as his desktop wallpaper. A couple days later he figured out what I had done to it. If you looked really close, you could see the word "sucks" in the background. And the four pictures that were in the background? They were of the Ohio State quarterback fumbling, the quarterback getting sacked, the kicker having a field goal blocked, and the scoreboard from the Ohio State-Florida basketball national championship last year. It took him two days to find it. I thought it was pretty clever. He failed to see the humor in the situation.

4.) This year, we actually went Stephen Caroling on Steve's Birthday Eve (for those of you who completely forgot about the Twelve Days of Steve's Birthday and the entire holiday season, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves...and for those of you who made a Stephen Tree out of paper and random crafts, 25 Stephen Points to you). We went around Lawlor, the dorm I live in, and sang to different units. We sang classics like "The First Steve," "The Twelve Days of Steve's Birthday" (which we made up as we went along), and "Steve's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire" (our biggest hit). We got candy/packing peanuts for our efforts, and I think we really helped spread some holiday cheer. People seemed delighted to see us. Or well, they...saw us...

Things I wanted to do at college:

1.) I had an empty bottle of prescription sleep aid medication. I wanted to fill it with Smarties, then down the whole bottle in the middle of class--just tip it up to my mouth and take them all at once, and make sure I gurgle while I eat them. When everybody looks at me funny, I'd just say, "It's ok...it's prescription." While giving it a second thought, I decided I'd rather not get suspended, so I opted out of this one.

2.) I wanted to get a burlap bag and write "Tricks" on the side, then carry around an actual bag of tricks with me wherever I went. I'd look suspicious all the time, and whenever anybody asked me what was in my bag of tricks, I'd pull out some cereal and hand it to them, then walk away conspicuously. Problem is, burlap bags are harder to find than you might think.

3.) Dr. Clevenger, my humanities teacher, frequently sent out what he called "love notes" to his humanities students, giving further information about subjects talked about in class as well as other stuff he wanted to share. The purpose was basically just to better our lives, and he always signed it "Love, Dr. C." I always wanted to write him a love note back, confession my adoration for the man and try to set up a meeting place where we could get to know each other better. I wisely chickened out, but I think Justin actually sent him something like that. He seems to implement all of the ideas that I wisely chicken out on.

4.) Every Tuesday, we had room checks. I always wanted to leave out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for the room check people and wish them a Merry Tuesday. But I figured my dormmates and Dan Hess would get to them first.

5.) I had set up a PowerPoint presentation that looked exactly like the desktop wallpaper on our dorm computer. The plan was that when Justin clicked somewhere, it would go into a Mission: Impossible briefing sequence, and would give him this mission that would lead him to follow clues all over campus. I never actually found time to complete the thing, which was a huge disappointment to the cast of characters I had involved. But such is life.

6.) I wanted to walk around campus with my fly wide open for a day. Now, I'm not talking about just a little bit open, like "Oh, I think his fly might be open" kind of open. No, I mean like, if you bend down, you get a little show kind of open. That way, I'd be able to see who my real friends are by who tells me. Upon further investigation, most of the people I considered my friends admitted that they would not tell me. Jerks.

7.) I wanted to have a little bell to carry around and ring it whenever I had a minor accomplishment or small victory. That way, I could ring the little bell and announce to the whole student center "I remembered how to address an envelope!" then carry about my business. You know that you've all had that twinge of small pride and just wanted to shout that kind of stuff out to the world. I just wanted to take that thought to the next level. That way, I'd be able to shout things like, "I managed to get my hands dry with only one paper towel in the men's room!" (that's a big deal at the 'Ville) or "I was mature enough to not fill my empty medication bottles with candy!" I would totally use that bell all day.

8.) I wanted to rig a bottle of toothpaste to explode and then leave it in the bathroom. That'd get those thieving rascals back in a big-time hurry.

Well, that about does it. I hope it was worth the five month wait. I guess I'll be seeing you guys again in October. Just kidding (no, but seriously).

Oh, and I hope you guys like the new background. This is the first background that's not photoshopped to make it look like I did anything cool, like jumped off a waterfall or walked down a road in Nebraska. Yes, I actually walked down this road. No, I don't actually play the guitar. No, the world was not in black and white. Yes, amazingly, I am still single and completely available. No, the Tigers will not be winning the World Series this year. I hope that answers all of your questions.

Have a good one!

-Steve