So I've finally arrived at a conclusion. This thing that's happened, this unbearably excruciating thing, is good. Looking back at all my notes and thoughts over the past several years, I realize that I had almost lost myself in the last one. The topics of my entries had dwindled down to just one, him, us. Well at least I used the word "us". I've devoted so much of my time obsessing and upset over the same damn thing, asking questions that had no answers, constant why why why; contemplating in my head back and forth what was and what wasn't, arguing that it was and then it wasn't and then how maybe it could be; torned between what I wanted and what I deserved.
And all of this over something that was never even given validation, never truly existed. In a way I'm angry, angry that when all the evidence are laid out on the table, I have to submit to acknowledge that it was never real. Angry that I had been the lone giver in this so called relationship for so long, and knew it, yet somehow dismissed it. Angry that everything I did and said was taken so much for granted, that I had actually been such a fool. Angry that even as I say this now I'm allowing for that shiny sliver of doubt. And angry that I can't be angry with him because I know it was never his intention.
But angry, angry nonetheless.
It's really okay in the end. I don't blame anyone.
I'll just pick up the pieces like I always do.
