Saying goodbye is never easy...

I have been Dap since day one of my travels via the internet.  I started out as DaProwler on aol and I was instantly coined "Dap", of course cuz it was much shorter to type, but it stuck with me through all these years.  I have had many joyous times being Dap and the people I have encountered...well 80% of them, have been priceless to me; however, I feel the time has come to let it end.

Over the past 6+ months I have been feeling stifled.  I'm stuck in a world of words that just simply won't come out.  I hate it!!  My posts have been mediocre at best and my mood because of it has been even worse.

Having been enhanced with the mouth of a sailor, I now find myself not being able to let anything freeflow.  It seems as though I'm surrounded by eyes that would burn at the mere "shock and awe" of my choice in vocabulary.  This is unacceptable because I am not one to keep a watchful eye over those blasted P's + Q's.

There's a strange phenomonon of online life.  It's so easy to allow those that we "don't know" into our world, our hopes, joys, quirks, and even failures...but to have those that you "do know" let in to such a sanctuary of emotion is difficult at best.  It's not that you are attempting to portray yourself as something your not. it's because somewhere between the eye and the brain, all your words will be taken out of context, misinterpreted, and used against you for no other reason than someone wanting to get their jollies.

So you see while many may consider it letting them win.  I look at it more as an opportunity to move on.  A name is a name, it doesn't hamper one's ability to communicate with those they "don't know" (unless of course your name is "Harry Dick Johnson Jr", cuz I don't quite think I could keep a straight face...lol).  There are 2,175,824 possible combinations of names out there (btw...I made that number up...if you think I'm gonna do the math for that, you're crazier than I am), but my point is that if I change my name, it doesn't change me.  I will always be Dap, just not to the naked eye.

Cyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas 

At any given time all hell could break loose...
     but I figure I have approximately 2-3 years left

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't sit back and think about my kids. I think about what's going on inside of their heads, their thoughts, ideas...their futures. What do they really think about me?? What kind of Mother do they think I am?? Do I make them proud?? Will they hold fond memories of me, or will they come to act as if they never knew me??

It was hard being a kid when it was my turn. I'm sure my mother had her fair share of worries and struggles with us. Back in the day "Maude" and "All In The Family" were considered risque and controversial. So what does that say about society now?? When I was 11-12 years old, if I walked outside in a shirt that didn't cover my entire stomach people would feel sorry for me, and do you know why?? Because they thought that my parents couldn't afford to buy me clothes that fit!! It was unheard of to walk around with your midrift showing, unless of course your were wearing a bathing suit. I suppose that society was just recovering from letting women wear skirts above the ankles or slacks even. Maybe it wasn't society afterall, maybe my mother simply had morals and bestowed them upon us.

Movie stars, singers, and musicians used to be looked upon in Awe. They're still looked at in Awe today; however, it's now because of the lack of clothes they wear (not to mention what they do wear is basically see-thru) and their "naughty" behavior. A far cry from yester-year when they were respected and admired for their talent and dare I say morals all while keeping their clothes on.

When I was growing up, the youngest girl I knew that got pregnant was 17 years old and people would walk past her and instantly start whispering. You look around today and there are 13 year olds pushing baby strollers!! The funny part is, "society" has just about accepted it!!

You could not pay me enough to be a kid again right now. Good Lord everywhere you look there's temptation!! Ultimate beauty at whatever costs, sex, Sex, and more SEX...everywhere you turn. Saved by the Bell was a hot-show when I was younger (early teen years). They touched on topics like drugs (namely speed) and romance (which consisted of quick little peck kisses and some cheesy laughter or giggling afterwards). The shows for teens/preteens now consist of full blown making out, boyfriends beating up girlfriends, 13 year olds partying till they get themselves into unforeseen (to drunken eyes) trouble. What the hell?!? Sure it's great to inform youth about things that could potentially happen, but the characters are like 12-13 years old in these shows...if not younger. My question is, what in the hell is the world coming to that these subjects need addressed because they happen daily to kids this young?? Should we blame television, media, Hollywood, the parents, the police, politicians?? I say yes, we can blame all of them, but the first ones we blame...should be ourselves!!

<sarcasm>We wanted freedom and we got it.</sarcasm>

We burned the bras so that now you don't have to wear them, or your shirts for that matter. We let parents make up excuses for not only their bad behavior, but their childs also, so now it's everyones problem. We have taken the fear out of the child and put it in the adult, so that now you can't even discipline your child (or they won't be yours for much longer).

Ya know at my daughters former school, back in Cleveland, I went to a parent teacher meeting (4th grade). While I waited to talk to her one on one, I sat and listened to some of the other parents. The teacher was a nice older woman. She was foreign, but spoke well enough english to be understood by a 2 year old. The teacher was telling one parent where her son needed work and how the parent herself could possibly help him. This parent practically fell out of her chair, not because she was furious at her son, but she was FURIOUS with the teacher!! She stood up out of her chair and basically told the teacher to go fk herself. How dare she say that her son is stupid (which was not at all what the teacher said). She went on to say that her son probably couldn't understand her "foreign non american ass" (notice the grammar, says alot about the parents education doesn't it??) and how dare she tell her that she needs to spend time studying with her child, she's a busy woman afterall!! Then she screamed at her kid to get his stuff and they were "off to see the principle". I never saw that woman again, I often wonder if the principle kicked her in the ass on her way out of her office!! What the hell kind of parent would blatantly disrespect a teacher in front of her own child?? I could see if the teacher truly meant to offend the woman, but this was not the case. What possible lessons on respect does this woman teach her child, if she can't be respectful herself?? The only thing that could possibly keep a mother from spending time to help her child would have to be her fulltime job as a crackwhore in my opinion!! Maybe they should start handing out breeding liscenses to single out those who should in no way shape or form, fornicate with the possibility of giving birth. Ya know what the sad part is, this womans poor child will probably end up being a statistic due to the fact that she was "too busy".

Beth will be 12 years old this year. Raising her thus far I have literally become my mother. Oh sure I said, when I was younger, that I would be nothing like her...but guess what?? I AM!! Ok, I'm not totally like my mother, I mean I haven't gone psychotic yet...but I am strict on her and let her know exactly what's up. I figure I have a couple years left before the hormones start to take over Beth's brain and make her act like a complete imbosile. I am not one of those mothers who lets her child...slide by. If my daughter fks up, she WILL feel my wrath! I have taken advantage of the "fear factor" and I have instilled upon her. I talk to Beth, quite alot. I am honest with her on certain things that are expected of her. Like I expect her to FINISH SCHOOL, I expect her to NOT be a little hoochie, and I expect her to NOT come home pregnant!! As much as I talk to Beth about serious adult type situations, I also inform her that just because the majority happen to adults...not to brush off the fact that they could happen to her while young. I have let her watch many R-rated films. Not necessarily filled with sex, but it has contained some lighter scenes along with swearing and topics such as rape, murder, drugs, and many others. The difference between me letting her watch these things and her just watching them, is that by letting her watch them, we are open for discussion as to what is actually happening. I don't let her assume Hollywoods version, I let her know the truth.

If Beth came home pregnant at the age of 13, right now I would say that I would kill her!! I would be absolutely devastated!! I would contemplate her getting an abortion or even adoption, because let's face it...at 13 years old, she's not going to raise that child...I AM!! That is simply not an option!! So if by instilling real-life along with "the fear of God" I can prevent that...then dammit I will!! I have told her already not to get herself or put me into that situation, because I am in no way prepared for a moral dilemma like that in the near future. You see I believe it's a woman's choice whether to have a child or not, but that doesn't mean that I myself would get an abortion. So yah, although I say I would consider her getting an abortion...you have to understand that, that initial reaction itself would be a huge river of anger flowing through my veigns at that precise moment...which I know would be a serious emotion I would be dealing with if that were to happen. It doesn't mean that I would definitely make her get one, so don't get on a highhorse or all anti-abortion with me!!

One day Beth will not be my "little girl" anymore, she will grow into a beautiful lady and be not only an adult, but one of my oldest and dearest friends. I am strict and honest with her because I want her to savor her childhood. I want her to know that being an "adult" is not all it's cracked up to be. I want her to know that she simply can't make up excuses just because she can.

The day will come also when Beth will change tactics on me and I will then have to find another way to keep the upper hand as her parent, while trying to maintain some comradere. I see Beth as a good girl, with a smart mouth, alot of attitude and a good head on her shoulders. If all hell were to break loose tomorrow, I would still love her more than I love myself.

Raising kids has never been easy, but in 2004 it's harder then ever!! It takes more then a bloodline to be a parent. Hell in some cases you don't even need the bloodline. It's about not only giving your child the tools to survive, but helping to save a society on a downword spiral one child at a time. I'm trying to do my part, are you??

I have yet to experience such detailed emotions and fears as far as Jonathan is concerned, but I know "our" time is coming also.

Speaking of Spud, I hope ya'all liked his video debut 

Cyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas

Superstahhhhhhhhhhhr...

I have a little video of Spud.  If you'd like to see it leave me a comment and I'll send you the link.  I'm not gonna put it in here because it would lag too much and I don't want any stalkers watching it

It's a little over 5MB and it's about 4 minutes long (I think).  The quality is much better on the cam when it plays back.  I'll have to figure out how to get em better quality when saving.

So lemme know...

Cyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas

1 Step ahead...

Welp it was a pretty productive day, or was it??  Dennis painted the other half of the basement where his puter 'n the washer are.  The cinder block is so damn porous though it could probably use another 2 coats at least (but we won't tell him that)  I rearranged the living room and I really don't like it.  The living room is rectangular in shape, but it's hard to arrange the furniture to where everything fits while also giving you some room so you're not stackin stuff on top of each other.  Spud has basically taken over the front room, so it's become more a matter of making his stuff and the furniture fit.  He won because I ended up having to take a standing lamp and a table out.  It still looks funky though because the front room has 3 huge picture windows along with a huge ass doorway.  Oh well I'll tell ya one thing...like it or not it's stayin this damn way for awhile...lol.  I also went arount the house and "Round"ed "Up" the weeds.  I hope that shit works because no matter how  much you weed, it still looks like a damn jungle after a day or two.

So you see today was productive, but of course with the basement being torn up I couldn't do all the much needed laundry when I wanted to, so now I'm up to my eyeballs in underwear...well you know.

Time to hit the hay.  Did you vote yet??  I would love to see who is in the lead in some categories...especially the lunch one.  I voted for a local yokel for that one.  Hey what can I say, gotta represent the home town folks ya know.

Ok I'm outty
Cyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas