I've got another one of my old bits that I'm posting here and passing off as new: I've got a series of The False Recovered Memories of Sandra Bernhard.  This one's from about the middle 90's, as you'll realize from the current-at-the-time pop culture reference:

Ginger Spice

I ran into one of the Spice Girls this weekend at the M.A.C. boutique down in SoHo. It was so strange. I went in to get a lip pencil, maybe some Lipglass, Viva Glam, whatever. So when I was picking out the lip pencil I bumped into this chick next to me that looked like Kate Pierson from The B-52's. I said, "Oh, excuse me." She muttered something vague and moved away. That was the weird part - she actually muttered the words "Something vague." It was really surreal. This salesgirl came over and asked me if I needed any help, and I said I was looking for a lip pencil in "Spice." (I know, I know, it's not a very original color but it goes with EVERYTHING, let me tell you. )

Anyway, I said, "I'm looking for Spice" and when I said that, the chick with the red hair kinda gave a little jump and looked over. She looked back down really quick after that but, I mean, she WAS wearing this sequined bodysuit number with platform sneakers. I'd thought she was a performance artist or something - I guess she is, really - but then I realized she was a Spice Girl.

I said, "Not you, honey, I need a lip pencil." She giggled a little and said something coy - not the words "something coy" but I wouldn't have been surprised if she had - but her accent was so thick I couldn't understand what she'd said. I said "Hi, I'm Sandra Bernhard." She said "Oh yeah, the pilot. I'm Ginger Spice." She blew my mind. Pilot? What an idiot.

Anyway, I just had to get out of there. I grabbed my pencil and left. I think I paid. I wasn't rude to her or anything - she seemed nice enough - I just couldn't imagine having a conversation with her. What would I call her, Ginger or Spice? Ginger Spice always had a vaguely dirty connotation with me, besides. This vegan ex-girlfriend of mine was really into riot grrl bands a few years back and started one with her friends called "Gingersnatch." They were popular for a while but then changed their name to "The Monistat Seven." I broke up with her, anyway. I couldn't stand the smell.

That is all.