Mister Goats is always laughing at me that I'm so out of the loop on current events. I pretty much stopped listening to the news when that man was "elected" President, so I miss out on things it they don't show up on the Daily Show, which I watch only occasionally anyway. So I dipped my toe into current events via some overheard topics on the morning programs that were playing on the television this morning, and here are the two most important stories in the world today: - A Russian spy was poisoned using radioactive materials that may have been tracked all over the world by now via passenger jet. The FCC is enacting new regulations to ensure that going forward, any time you bring toxic radioactive materials on board a plane, you can only bring less than 3 microcuries and you need to keep it in a plastic Ziploc quart bag. Bottled water is still forbidden, of course.
- Britney Spears doesn't wear panties. She does wear extremely short skirts, and apparently she keeps her punkin' patch shaved real close.
Depending on the news cast, those stories occasional ran in the reverse order, which really shows you where America's mind is at. I found this hilarious quote on CNN: "She's a beautiful girl and now that she's single and she's having fun, I think she's just trying to express herself," said New York-based celebrity image consultant Amanda Sanders.
That's funny, because when I want to express myself, I occasionally do it through painting and sometimes by writing, but I've never been compelled to express myself by showing my shaven poonanner to the public. That's just me! That's just the way I was raised! There's precious little mystery left to Britney's personal life, isn't there? It used to be just kind of annoying that I was informed - simply by osmosis when I passed a subway station newsstand- exactly what beverage she was photographed drinking each day. Is that an iced latte or just an iced coffee with a lot of milk? Or do you think she ordered a Frappucino today, only she's already sucked off all the whipped cream, I wonder? She sure looks like she's been eating the whipped cream... Now, however, I'm being forced to review her drug store purchases along with - entirely against my own will - being forced to look at her shaved vagina. Apparently she's unable to exit a car without reenacting the interrogation scene from Basic Instinct, sans the cigarette - she's a mommy now! This is on the freaking morning news, no less - isn't that "family" time? If I had a little girl - and thank Jebus I don't have one - I'd be entirely annoyed at having to explain to her why the morning news announcer is standing in front of a series of censored pornographic pictures. Can't you just imagine such a conversation? "Oh, honey, they just put a circle over Britney bah-gina, the same way you wear panties on your bah-gina. She just forgot to wear her panties, I guess, honey, same as how you sometimes forget to put away your toys, only you forget to put away your toys because you're a kid, not because you're high like Britney so clearly is. Yes, we're still at war in Iraq, which you'd think would be a more important story than Britney's bah-gina, but remember how Britney said we should just trust the President about the war in Iraq? Well, it turns out she's just as stupid as you'd expect from a person who would make a comment like that: she married her possibly-retarded pothead backup dancer and divorced him shortly after squirting out the second of their Irish twins. Since she's pretty much pissed all over the sacred institution of marriage, gay people love her, and because she keeps flashing her shaved twat, a lot of people like to look at her no matter what she says. Well, they're not really looking at her so much as they're looking at her twat, but that small amount of attention can go a long way to filling the gaping empty hole in her soul where her mother's love and guidance should have gone."
See? That just goes to show you that I should never raise children. You're really not supposed to say "twat" in front of them, but how do you explain the arc of Britney's career without saying "twat"? That is all. | 
