I hung out with the Stump yesterday and we were laughing while going over the e-mails I've been writing to a couple of fraud spammers while pretending to be Jerri Blank. I've arranged one of them chronologically below for you.   This is the longest I've been able to string someone along so far, but I'm almost at the point where they're going to catch on, so I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up before I lose his (or your) attention. 

I have a lot of fun figuring out what sort of ridiculous things I can say, and then imagining what the person reading the e-mail must be thinking about the person they believe they are scamming.  It's strange that no matter how retarded I try to sound, these kids keep writing back.  In the interest of brevity, I've edited some of the stuff out of the e-mail from the spammer when it's not that interesting:

Suzzy Williams
suzzywilliamsfunds4charityhome@yahoo.de

SUZZYWILLIAMS898@YAHOO.COM>

DEAR BELOVED ONE, GREETINGS IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST

AM MRS SUZZY WILLIAMS,A WIDOW TO LATE MIKEL WILLIAMS AM 55 YEARS OLD, I  AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERTSUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE  BREAST,FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATIN AND IT  IS QUITE OBVIOUS THATI WONT LIVE MORE THAN 2MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.

[SNIP: Lots of crap cut out - basically, it's just the standard 419 Nigerian Scam, dressed up as a Christian with "breast caner"]

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THEFELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

 I AWAIT URGENT REPLY. YOURS IN CHRIST

MRS. SUZZY WILLIAMS

Doesn't CAPS LOCK just fell like a cheese grater on one's eyes?  Blecch... Anyway, Jerri is always willing to help people out when they want to send money...but she doesn't always say the right thing: 

DEAR SUZZY-

 

WOW - THAT SOUNDS REALLY SEXY, EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT CANCER.  BOY, BEING A CHRISTIAN SURE HASN'T WORKED OUT WELL FOR YOU AT ALL, HAS IT?  IT'S REALLY REMARKABLE THAT YOU'RE STILL ABLE TO KEEP FAITH IN A GOD THAT HAS KILLED YOUR HUSBAND, GIVEN YOU CANCER, AND BROKEN THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON YOUR COMPUTER. 

 

I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT BY DISTRIBUTING MONEY TO THE LESS FORTUNATE.  I'VE BEEN ONE OF THEM MYSELF - YOU SEE, I WAS BORN A POOR BLACK GIRL IN THE BREWSTER PROJECTS, BUT LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON I'VE GROWN UP TO BE A RICH, WHITE WOMAN.  I'D LIKE TO PASS ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE THINGS I LEARNED IN THAT DONKEY SHOW IN TIJUANA.  I'VE DONE THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE FORCED ON A MULE, AND THAT INCLUDES THINGS THAT I'VE FORCED ON A MULE.

 

HOW DO I HELP YOU?  SHOULD I SEND YOU MY BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION?

 

LET GO AND LET GOD CANDY,

JERRI BLANK

No matter what you say, as long as the last sentence is the magical phrase "Can I send you my bank account information?" it seems they write back:

Dear beloved One

 

Thanks you for your prompt response, And also thank you for your prayer and will like to meet you because you most be a prayer warrior in ...[SNIP: More crap cut out - I get 10% of 35 million to distribute to the homeless or the poor or something, Suzzy is so sick she needs a nurse to help her type, blah blah blah]

 

Please feel free to contact the attorney in charge of this funds, his name is Barrister Makaay Smith and his email address is ( barrmakaay23@yahoo.com ) and his number is, 234-8025726409 contact him now so that he can proceed to prepare the necessary documents to back you up concerning this transaction as am not sure of myself as the Doctor told me.

 

I will be waiting further news from you concerning any discussion with the Attorney.

 

Stay blessed.

"Suzzy" and "her doctor," "Suzzy" and her late "husband"

Dear Mister Makaay-

 

Boy, you sure have a weird name!  It's really sexy! Are you related to that guy on South Park, Mr. Mackey?  Suzzy Williams told me to contact you about distributing her funds to the less fortunate, mmmkay? (Get it?)  It's really a great coincidence because I am myself less fortunate, so once you pay me I won't even need to do anything other than to thank the sweet Lord Jesus for giving Suzzy cancer and making me rich!  It's really a win-win situation for everyone.  Well, everyone except Suzzy because she'll be dead soon, and unfortunately since she's a Christian she's going to hell, so sayeth the prophet Mohammed, peace be upon Him.

 

Let me know what I need to do to get the money.  Should I just send you my bank account information? 

 

Let go and let god candy,

Jerri

Suzzy-

 

I hope you haven't died of cancer yet, because I just sent an e-mail to your goddamn lawyer, but the e-mail came back "no such user".  Do you have another e-mail address?  Maybe the nurse that is helping you type fucked up when she was typing the e-mail address. 

 

Or should I just send my bank account information to you?

 

Let go and let god candy,

-Jerri

Hello Davis

 

  Am so sorry for the mistake that was made but i want to know that its corrected already.,

 

  Here is the email address: barristermakaay23@yahoo.com  send an email to him now and also i want to know that i have sent an email to my lawyer too so that he can help you begin some processing so sedn him an email immediately.

 

  Good day

 Suzzy Williams

Dear Mister Makaay-

 

I sent you an e-mail before, but your idiot client Suzzy gave me the wrong e-mail address so it came back.  If she wasn't dying of cancer I'd sure tear her a new asshole for wasting my fucking time.  Boy, you sure have a weird name!  It's really sexy....[SNIP: after the new intro calling Suzzy an asshole, it's same letter as I sent to the lawyer above that came back the first time]

 

Let me know what I need to do to get the money.  Should I just send you my bank account information? 

 

Let go and let god candy,

Jerri

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