*The above picture is being used without permission.  (The internet is a wild and lawless place.)
I stole it from Cooper and his friend Darren, who took the picture, because it's so perfect for my story.

In the interest of peacekeeping at home, I currently have an editorial policy forbidding anti-Handsome Mister Goats commentary but today I'm afraid the tone of this piece may sound a touch bitter.  However, I'd like to remind you that I take creative license with my material, and HMG is not here to present his side of the story: I'm sure if he were to tell it, I'd probably come out sounding like the a-hole.  He's more than welcome to present that story on his blog, if he had one.  But the point of this is not to bash, but to describe some of the difficulties present when two people with even mild religious differences have a relationship:  an O-theist such as myself, and HMG.

Over the weekend, we visited Handsome Mister Goat's family in New Jersey, and when evening fell we lit the Hanukkah candles together.  There were four candles (not counting the shamash) and four of us, and HMG's parents thought it would be nice to make a wish as we lit each candle, as if it were a birthday cake without the cake. 

First his mother and father went, wishing for something like "peace on earth," or perhaps "happy times with family" - something like that.  I forget what it was they wished for, because then HMG picked up his candle, the first Hanukkah candle he's lit since 2005 because he didn't bother to do the candles last year, participating only in the "receiving gifts" part of the holiday -  and made his wish:

"To getting a Hanukkah present before Hanukkah is over," he said, turning and looking pointedly at me. 

He knew very well knew that I hadn't gotten a present for him yet for two reasons: 1) he had only told me two or three days earlier what he wanted and 2) the thing that he wanted was not actually a product one can purchase.  (He wanted a facial microdermabrasion scrubber thingy, but not one that used aluminum oxide crystals in the scrub - which is what all of them use, of course.)  

I could see his point about getting a gift for the holiday one celebrates, if that holiday is not Christmas - but only if he himself were participating in Hanukkah, or Judaism in general, in some form that was in addition to "expecting an earlier due date for one's holiday gift."   For example, he gave no Hanukkah gifts this year or last, and the "Holiday" cards he's sending are currently still on the coffee table, so they certainly aren't arriving before Hanukkah is over.  Yom Kippur is a day of eating for him, he likes bacon on his shrimp, and gets annoyed when his religious friend doesn't answer her phone on the Sabbath.  The Jewish-est thing he's done in the past year was managing to consistently use expired 20% off coupons from Bed & Bath, really.  I'm keeping more kosher than he is, just by default as a vegetarian. 

I'd be far more inclined to give my yarmulke-wearing boyfriend a Hanukkah present, I'm saying, but if the only way I know someone is Jewish is that he criticizes the date he gets a present, then he's not Jewish, he's just annoying.  (And those are supposed to be two different things.)  Also, I'm pretty sure the lighting of the menorah candles is supposed to signify something other than "a time to tell other people how they've disappointed you recently," so I think he got the meaning of that whole thing wrong, if you ask me. 

Perhaps you might think that I should buy him something, rather than waiting and asking him what he wants, which is a point that HMG has actually made in the past: "If you really loved me, you'd know me well enough to know what to buy," is the essential message of that plan, and it's a reason he's given in the past about why he couldn't possibly even steer me into the desired aisle of the department store, much less specify a gift.  (Of course, the thing is: I know him well enough to know that he returns EVERYTHING.) 

One year I had a really good laugh because he made me feel really, really shitty that I couldn't figure out something to buy for him - which any good boyfriend would have been able to do so, supposedly - only to have his mom called to ask ME what he wanted for Hanukkah.  (I guess she doesn't love him enough, either.)

But back to the candles.  You gonna come fo' me? Then I'm gonna come fo' you, Miss Thang.   It was time for my wish:

"My wish is to have [HMG] come to visit my family in Minnesota during Christmas, something he's never done in the 9 years we've been together, because it's the one time in the year that every single person in my family is together -  everyone except for [HMG], who spends Christmas in New York cruising on Manhunt."

And you know what?  Handsome Mister Goats unwittingly got his wish, because as his Hanukkah present, I didn't say the last 3 words.

And then the candles were lit, and we were all filled with the one true universal feeling we all share this holiday season: guilt.

O-men.