Disclaimer:
Some people may find the following entry unbearably sexist. I
realize that many men are domestically competant, but I have seen my
husband attempting to do laundry, and it is scary. And, as
a side note, my aunt, after something like 30 years of marriage, asked
her husband to do some laundry while she was out of town. She
showed him the machine, the soap, told him how to work it, etc.
He turned to her and said, "Okay, but what I don't understand is how you get the water into the machine." So in light of the fact that Jon will be in charge of the house on the days I work, I prepared a little primer for him.
A Housekeeping Primer for Jon
(With apologies to Erma Bombeck)
This is a house. Many people live
in our house. Some of them are human. Humans need food,
clean clothes, and a tidy house. See the dirty dishes? See the
papers? See the shoes? See the toys? It makes Mother sad to
step on legos in her bare feet when she is getting ready for work. Oh,
look! Look at Mother! Why is Mother hopping up and down on one
foot? Why is Mother shouting?
We wear clothes every day. Find the washing machine. Try.
Look at the soap. When you put eight scoops of soap into
the washer, suds will erupt from the machine and smother us all.
Oh, oh, oh! See the clothes? Clothes are bulky. The washing
machine can not wash fifteen towels and six sets of bed sheets in one
load. Do not try, it will not work.
It is fun to eat! We eat food. We eat food every day.
Food can be found in the kitchen. Find the kitchen.
Try. See the stove? The stove is hot. Ouch!
Many foods need to be cooked. We cook them on the stove. We
do not cook food directly on the stove. We put it in a pan.
Pans can be found in the kitchen. Find a pan. Try.
The refrigerator is your friend. It is cold. Many foods
like to be cold. See the meat? See the milk? They are
happy when they are cold. We can not eat green meat. We can
not drink milk that is curdled and smells like poop.
We have two dogs. How can you tell they are dogs? They have
four legs. One, two, three, four. Dogs must be put outside
regularly. We feed them every day.
See the funny puppy? Oh, oh, oh! The puppy is funny!
A puppy is a special kind of dog. A puppy needs constant
supervision. Puppies like to eat. Sometimes, they eat
things that are not food. We want puppies to eat food only.
Examples of things that are food: ham sandwiches, scrambled eggs,
dog food. Examples of things that are not food: library
books, Mother's new suede kitten-heel mules.
It is fun to drive. See the car? See the gas gauge?
The car needs gas. If it has no gas, it will be sad. It
will not go.
We are modern and enlightened. What does that mean? It
means that we recycle. See the paper? See the
cardboard? See the bottles, the cans, the #1 and #2
plastics? They are not trash. We put them in a special
place. It is marked "RECYCLING." It is fun to recycle!
Oh, look! Look at Mother! She is crawling on her hands and
knees. She does not want to pick up toys. She does not want
to fold the laundry. She does not want to fish recycling out of
the trash. Do you want Mother to be taken away in a strait
jacket? Then shape up, up, up.
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Comments (14)
Man, I laughed, I cried, I contemplated posting it on my fridge.
Reminds me of when Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble had to cook rice. "How much should we use Fred?"...."Ah, let's use the whole box Bah-ney". The backyard quickly became a sea of white when it all boiled over.
I'm a great cook but lazy making the bed or cleaning up. Eventually I do. I've seen women who keep a messy house too. Notice how quick everyone is to blame the men. :)