Tuesday, May 20, 2008

• Neighborhood politics

  Being president of one's neighborhood association is thankless drudgery.  By "neighborhood association" I don't mean "homeowner's association"---those much-maligned groups responsible for collecting pool dues and making sure every front door is painted one of three color choices.  The urban neighborhood association is supposed to be a liaision between residents, city council, and the police.  In my experience, neighborhood associations spend a lot of time airing their grievances to city government who then pass the buck endlessly and nothing is ever accomplished.  For example, in 2005 when my next-door neighbor was raped in her house by an intruder who lay in wait for her to come home from work, everyone was upset.  Naturally.  Our police department held a meeting with the neighborhood association.  Their solution was to suggest a neighborhood watch which turned out to be the same thing as telling us that they won't lift a finger and that we have to look out for ourselves. 
  
  But this is turning out to be a darker entry than I intended.  My neighborhood is like a large village within the city of Charlottesville.  We have our own downtown, our own local celebrities.  There's even a movie about us. We're literally on the wrong side of the railroad tracks, but have become gentrified lately.  Aside from the horrific attack on my next-door neighbor, we deal with mostly nuisance crimes--petty theft, drug dealing, public drunkenness, prostitution, etc.  We know not to go trick-or-treating to the house that's running a meth lab, and otherwise are content, most of the time.  Despite the crime, a certain prestige comes with living in this neighborhood.
  
  The same guy has been president of the neighborhood association for at least three years.  He wants to quit, but no one is willing to take his place. On our block we've been joking that our one neighbor (S) should volunteer as president and our other neighbor (J) will be the puppet master and control everything.  It's the sort of thing we laugh about over beers now and then but somehow word leaked out to the older and more earnest neighbors, who now believe that S is serious about becoming president. 
  
  At a party the other night, these neighbors presented S with a verbal list of demands that they want to be taken care of immediately, including removing a  vexatious stop sign and lowering everybody's property taxes. The next day Jon noted that S gave him the finger as he drove by our house.  "He must have gotten our letter, " I said. 
  
  
  

  Dear S,

  We understand that you are to take over the job of B__ Neighborhood Association President. We want to make you aware of a list of our concerns. Please make it your priority to attend to these matters.

  Sincerely,

    Daylily02 and Jon

  
  

  1. The grass in X___ park is not mowed often enough. Please ensure the mowers are here not less than every four days.

  2. All trees in B___ taller than 15 feet MUST be topped, yearly.

  3. Acorns on the ground in X___ Park are a nuisance and a safety hazard. Please ensure that they are picked up, daily.

  4. Anyone entering X___park shall be subject to search with a metal detector which you must provide.

  5. The mommies who meet in the park for playgroups give me dirty looks when I get my mail and they have been seen changing diapers in the park. Please have them banned.

  6. No dogs, old ladies or small children shall be permitted to use the sidewalk in the southeast corner ofXB___, adjacent to 5- S____ Ave. Any dog named “Dakota” who is walked in that vicinity must be immediately put down.

  7. The property owners at 5  S____ Ave. shall hereby be legally allowed to shoot squirrels with a rifle.

  8. One day per week (preferably Saturday) shall be designated “Bunny Day” in which the bunny that resides at 5  S___ Ave will be free to romp in X____Park and not be molested by dogs or small children. Other bunnies are welcome but they must be SCREENED for aggressive behavior and must provide proof of having been spayed or neutered.

  9. Congratulations, you are the new chairman of the neighborhood watch committee. You are responsible for a nightly beat in X_____Park, until such time that you can recruit volunteers. We'd love to volunteer, but are, unfortunately, much too busy to do so.

  10. If Jon's new motorcycle is stolen, we will hold you personally responsible. Indeed, consider yourself responsible for all crimes committed in B____from now on.

  
  

  Have a nice day. :)

   You see why our poor neighborhood president can't find anyone new to volunteer?

  S has agreed to "Bunny Day" provided it coincides with "off leash day" for his two greyhounds.

  
  

  
  

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