July 24, 1992.  Tony died at 1:10 today.  There won't be any memorial service.  He didn't want one.  He will be cremated.  I will trust that he meant it when he accepted Christ as his Savior so long ago.  He never seemed to doubt his salvation.  God said " ... no man can pluck them out of my hand," and " ... whosoever believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live," and " ... he that believeth is not condemned, (because he has believed).  So I will yet praise my God and trust that my erring son is safe in the arms of Jesus.

            It is March 5, 1994 and I am going to try to write my feelings in this book to keep myself from telling anyone else.  The thing is, I wrote a letter to Amber Gates that I suppose I ought not to have; and yet in a way I felt sort of like I owed it to her.  Maybe she will wake up and teach her own children that they owe her respect and consideration and love just because she is their mother.  I made a terrible mistake when I saw that Beth had a personality like mine and backed off so that she wouldn't feel overpowered by my pushy behavior.  I never meant it of course, but I think I taught my daughters not to respect their mother; and although I couldn't foresee  what I was doing, I took it for granted that someday they would resent me for leaving their father even though I did it to protect them.  I did what I thought was right when I moved in with my father and tried to be a full time mother to them.  I realize that they were angry because I was a basket case a lot while they were growing up and they can't possibly understand how it was to try to live in a situation where their grandfather complained constantly about them and wanted me to say they were no good just because they were Will's kids; and they always had some awful act to accuse him of that he denied when I confronted him with it.  It was better than life with Will because I didn't have to worry about them getting raped and I could take them to church.  My terrible work record, with the long gaps in it is because I discovered that I couldn't work even when they were in school because either the girls or my father were calling me on the phone to complain all of the time.  It upset me so bad that he locked them out of the house every time I turned my back, But Beth and Dirk (grown up married couple that they were) locked Curtis out when he was only two years old.  That was when I left Curtis in Beth and Dirk’s tender care to go to my sister Donna when her husband Harry had by pass surgery.  And when I did go to work steady, look what happened.  Amber got thrown out of the house one too many times and went off to California.  Amber says she doesn't want to hear anymore about my book and I guess no one does.  Maybe I'm stupid to go on trying.  Probably if I'd written a lot of garbage filled with sex or violence I'd have been published long ago.  Since I'm not going to write like that and my husband and/or my father aren't pastors, and I don't have a ministry speaking before a large audience, I will just have to learn to do it right before they will sell.  I believe that God led me to write and if there is any justice  in this life, I will get published.  I'll keep trying.  I'm not as strong as I used to be, and I never was the wonder woman I tried to be.  I can hardly handle two classes in school, tutoring Lydia, and writing.  I'm so tired and sick all of the time.  I'm constantly depressed.  It's sort of like when I was in Valley View working sometimes two shifts back to back, getting up before four a.m. to walk four miles to work, coming home to baby-sit my grandchildren and then trying to get some carpenter work done on the house in the interim ¾ and being told that I was tired because I didn't get enough exercise. 

It's HOT today.

            I applied at the post office and will know that it is a miracle from God if I get it.  I'm going to do some more writing now though.  It is my only real hope because it is what the Lord led me to do.

            December 23, 1990.  It has been two years since Donna gave this diary to me.  In that time Donna has become more and more dedicated to strengthening her commitment to our precious Lord; and because of that, He has been able to pull all of the pieces of her personality together, gave her the strength to pull away from her  psychoanalyst, guided her to a good Christian counselor who was able to help her through away the lies of Satan and hold on to the healing truths of forgiveness.  Now she no longer goes to any counselor and is taking herself off the last of her medication.  As for me; the things I did remember I was able to give to the Lord, exercise forgiveness and accept His forgiveness for me.  The things I didn't remember, God has shown me that as He separates our sins far from us and remembers them no more, so can He separate the past that hurts from us and protect us from the memories.  I have accepted that protection and am free to live and love liberally in the present with hope for the future.

God is so good!

            Dear Donna: you’re my best friend and the only one who will understand now. A long time ago, before you were born, Maria was my best friend. She loved the music of the trees and grasses, and the soft songs of nature. She understood the music in the violin when I played it. She heard the wind sing through the strings and the beautiful classic music touched her soul. She saw the deep beauty in things and she touched it softly with her fingertips and gentle soul. The wind is blowing now, through the leaves of the trees and bushes, just the way she moved my life with her gentle motion. That was her son "..and they called the wind Maria..." Sometimes the wind gets angry and whips through the trees and over the waters and tears down everything in its path. Sometimes Mariah got angry and threw things and broke things and tore things up, but she couldn't ever have hurt as badly as she had been hurt. She said that she never got angry anymore. Maybe that wasn't good because this evening after the Swap Meet, when I got to their house Donna was there but Mariah wasn't, and Harry said that Mariah died at six  this morning. Now I don't see how I can live. He said it’s for the best. How can it be for the best? If its best for her to die, then please someone show me how to die too. Death is separation. When one is dead to something, then it only stands to reason that the separation must be to something else. Where is she? Why didn't she love me enough to take me with her? I came back because of her. I came here to be near her, how can I survive without her? We don't want to be here now. We don't want to go to a doctor who will make us well. Without Maria, it’s not nice here anymore. Everything is still and lonely.

            I made a Donna a picture and card last night. I don't think she wanted them because they were stars and a waterfall like Maria liked. Maybe she thought I made them for Maria, but I wouldn't have. I'd have been embarrassed to. She could make them much better. Alexis helped me and she signed her name to the card so no one would know it was me who wanted to. People would get upset if they knew it was me. I hope you don't mind if I sign my real name. (signed) Leslie and Allie.

            My precious little Molly: I miss you so much my darling little girl. My precious tiny little miniature person. When I rocked Joy and sang, “hold tight to the sound of the music of living,” I wanted it to be you, but it couldn’t be so I rocked her and loved her and was gentle and patient like I would have been with you if I could have held you and rocked you close to my heart. The first time I ever saw a picture of Leah I saw you there instead. I loved you through her and when I said hello to her for the first time it was like you were there too. When I see those pictures of Amber Carol with her sassy little grin that looks so much like you, and I remember how she used to come to me all dirty and smelly from the way she was living and say, ”I need a hug,” and I could give her a hug full of love and it was like you were there too and I was saying, “I would have loved you no matter how much trouble you got into, no matter how much you worried me. I wanted to watch you grow up and all I could do was watch what might have been through your sisters.  I have to say goodbye for now but someday soon I will go to you and when we are finally in our new home together and the grass is green and thick and the flowers are blooming, when the Son shines bright in our hearts, you and I will ride on the back of a lion with a lamb in our laps and drink from the river of life.
Until then, goodbye my darling little girl,
Mommy.

Dear Timmy,

            I love you, I need you, and you are my lifeline. Without you I sink into a dark pit of fear and despair. You smile and wrap your soft little self around me and give me courage. I know that you are happy now, darling. You are free. I don’t begrudge you that. I can’t hold you anymore. I have to let you go. It’s not fair for me to hold on to you. God bless you my son. Thank you for your love, for your courage, for all that the memory of you has done for me through the years. I love you so much. I’ll see you in the morning.

                                                                                                            Love, Mommy.

            To Harry Hamilton:  You are an ass! You treat us like dirt, you insult us, and you're rude. We decided that it was just your way of teasing so we would tease back and treat you the way you treat others. You judged our actions by your and got upset. Now we all know that your rude insulting behavior is just the natural outcome of your feeling. You don't give a dam for us, you dishonor and disrespect us, and yet you expect us to like you. Generally when people want to be liked, they try to be likable. We always told ourselves that we loved you, but it wasn't you that we loved. It was a loving sensitive person that was only a figment of our imagination. We mourn for the person that we thought you were, but we will no longer let our imagination transform you into that person in our minds. The big Allie wants you to know that she always suspected that you were a jerk. She says that respect and kindness are necessary parts of love, and respectful and kind acts are a result of love. Disrespectful and unkind actions are a result of disrespectful and unkind feelings. I believe that those things are usually called dislike. Honest people don't want someone they feel hostile toward to like them, let alone expect them to love and respect them. I apologize for giving you a hard time for whatever it was that that so upset Donna the other day. Since your unkindness to others isn't kidding it would be impossible for you to see that I meant mine that way. It was very thoughtless of us to clutter up your house with our things and we will remove them as soon as we can do it without causing upset to Donna.  (signed) Alexis, Leslie, allie, Allie, and Alexis.

             P.S. Keep your hands off! You may be Donna's husband, but your actions are beyond contempt! I wise we'd never come here but since we did, you filthy little cad, we are (and there are a lot of us who want to be) and you better treat us with respect or, no matter what the others want, I might come out and give you what you so richly deserve! I'm like a beast caught in a trap and I'll hurt whatever I can that's causing pain. (signed) Alexis.

            Dear Harry, I apologize for writing to you while we were in Valley View. It was out of genuine concern for you but it didn't turn out the way I meant it and it won't happen again. (signed) Leslie.

            Dear Harry, I'm sorry I teased you ever or laughed. It’s hard to know how to act when you're embarrassed. I'll try to be more grownup and not pay attention. (signed) Allie.

            Harry, I apologize for my rudeness. It was inexcusable. (signed) Alexis

            Anger and hatred are emotional responses, and emotions are a part of the way God made me. The way that I respond to my emotions is the important thing. The truth is, the key to freedom from the destructive results of emotion, as Paul admonished, is for each one of us to speak the truth to the other’s. If I speak the truth to others my emotions won't get pushed down into the deep recesses of my mind to ferment and grow until they become deep seated resentment. Even locked away in the darkest corner of the deepest basement of my mind the poison would grow like yeast bread dough until it overflowed and made its way under the locked door into the light and   violated every aspect of my life.

            On the other hand, if I admit and feel my emotions, I will be forced to make a decision about them. That gives me the opportunity to make a positive response. If I am to let no corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth, but only what is good for necessary edification that bestows grace on others, I must be honest about my hate and anger, and understand that the person I hate is a needy person whose needs Christ saw and met just as He saw and met mine.  He paid the penalty for my sin and the other person's sin, releasing us both from debt. I could not possibly require anymore than God already gave for sin. There is no more that anyone could give than the precious life of God's own dear sinless son.

            Besides that, as I release the person who wronged me in my own mind, I am releasing myself from the pain of the past. Because hate and fear are attached, when I  embrace the fact that the victory is mine through Jesus Christ my Lord, I can let go of fear too.

            With God, forgiving is instantaneous; with human beings it takes time and a lot of effort. This forgiving one another is a perpetual endeavor.

            Lord, I know that Your perfect plan for healing my
emotions and my memory includes teaching me how to forgive. Help me to seize the advantage to forgive and not stop  until forgiveness has conquered my will.