I guess it's been THAT long since I've posted in this thing... My writing.  Wow, I admit that I've strayed away from several things in life because either one, I don't find it as appealing as I used to or two, I probably don't have the same initiative I used to have for many things in life.   I'm probably not making much sense right now, but I have this burning desire within me to just write.  You know, write with no inhibitions... I miss those days when I could just sit alone and ponder the questions of life or just vent about useless crap just for myself.  Yes, for myself.  I don't care if anyone reads this.  I'll probably look back on this and wonder just where my thoughts were directed to.  It doesn't matter right now because as my brain continues to fill with thoughts, I keep my fingers typing and try to keep up with those thoughts.

Maybe life has become so superficial to me that I've forgotten how to just let go of myself.  Perhaps I've forgotten how to just open my heart up and not worry about the repercussions of the spilling of my insides.  These guidelines and invisible rules that I follow day in and day out in order to not upset the set scheme of our everyday lives.

So my heart is on the floor as yours feels like it's floating in mid air.  Why don't you reach down deep inside of you and release the potential love that you are obviously holding back.  The love that I silently yearn for and hope to one day be the first to see.  A love that's held back by nothing and expressed to it's fullest.  You know, the same love that I attempt to show you each day.  If you opened your eyes wide enough, you'd catch a glimpse of my pain.  Inside I'm slowly dying, but on the outside all I do is try....

Too hard that it hurts to have these expectations.  To give and not receive equally, puts strain and pressure on my heart that has no boundaries.  My heart that I've offered you on a silver platter for your taking.  Once you wake up from your peaceful sleep, will you open your eyes to the love that goes far beyond your imaginations or will you only perceive that which is obvious to the common eye.  Look deeper... I'm far more complex than what meets the eye. 

All I want is to be understood the same way that I try to read your mind.  Open your heart to me completely and you will finally see all that I've been offering you.  A love like no other....

My last breath of teenage angst…

I walk in quick strides pretending I have someplace to go.  When in reality my eyes constantly stare at the pavement only to conceal the truth.  I built up a wall to prevent the outside world from penetrating through.

Inside I yearn for worthiness.  To prevail in a world where my existence would surpass the meager physical.  I am here for indefinite reasons, just another sheep blending into the flock.  

I crave for identity: to have the honor of others knowing my name and praising my accomplishments.  To be regarded as somebody and not just another random speck.  To me prominent amidst the billions instead of taking up precious space in this already overpopulated planet.

I know it won’t be handed to me on a silver platter.  I’ll take it any way I can even if I have to succumb to eating it off the floor.  I whine and complain about owning up to nothing when I should take initiative and start working for it (whatever “it” may be).  I will demonstrate to the world that dreams don’t only have to occur during states of unconsciousness.  Reaching for stars shouldn’t be restricted to the darkness of the night.  If we make our waking lives count, then that star will eventually be in our grasp.

So I turn up the volume and press the headphones down close to my ears.  Drown out the voices that mock and ridicule me.  They belong to those who want to hold me back from reaching my full potential.

I won’t ever be held down.  I will fight not with blows from my fists, but with blows from my mouth.  I will kill you with my words.  Please step aside and allow me to live.  Just let my imagination run free.  I don’t want to have to make you regret ever getting in my way and interfering.

Small steps can create big waves.  Just watch me amaze you.

SURFEST TOTALLY FUCKING ROCKED!!!!!! 

Christmas in a week and I've only done minimal shopping.  Hilo in a week too.

This bullshit is seriously fucking me up... Gah, I feel so shitty.  I keep thinking of ways I could have avoided the car, but that damn car seriously came out of nowhere.  Now that I think about it, I don't think they even STOPPED before they turned cuz I would have noticed the car there.  I think they just switched to the left lane and then turned left immediately cuz they were going at full speed when our cars collided.... Shit!!  Yielded my ass....

I think I feel the most guilty about having passengers in the car at the time of the accident.  If no one else was involved and I was the only one that got hurt, I'd be more okay about this.  I just feel like it was my responsibilty to keep them safe, but I didn't.  =(  I tried my best... I SWEAR!

So today I took a day off to run some errands via TheBus.  Damn, it's been a while and I forgot how long it took to get to anywhere.  blah.  I have to get use to this for a while... So I went to the doctor to get checked up.  No broken bones or anything, but she prescribed me some pain killers for the pain.  Bad news it that this might not even be the worst of it.  After a week or two, she said I might start to really feel the impact of the accident.  I have a follow up on Thursday so she can decide whethere or not I might need some physical therapy...

As soon as my dad gets home we're gonna go sign the papers to get the car released from the tow company.  From there, our insurance company will take care of it I guess.  Sad news about my poor Altima though... if the damages are severe enough, we're just gonna junk the car and take the money.  =/  I've been through a lot with that car and I don't want to let it go.  Not getting the car repaired means Vina will be carless for a while so if you guys could help a sister out it would be much appreciated.

Emotionally bruised and broken,
Vina