After watching HBO's True Blood, I have a new celebrity crush. Rutina Wesley. Well maybe it's more her character on the show than her. But I'd totally pee in her butt.




I can hear what you're saying to your computer screen right now, "But how can this be Paul? She's not Asian!" Well then I say to you, You're not Asian! Bwaa! Take that! Now go eat a pancake

Speaking of pancakes... I've finally discovered the meaning of life. And it has nothing to do with pancakes. But it does involve monkeys... delicious mouth watering monkeys.

Speaking of monkeys, have you ever been to their island? Watch out for that LeChuck, unless your name is Guybrush.


This is Alf --->


Is there such a thing as a wild hamster? Or is the entire species domesticated? I for one have never seen a hamster in the wild. Maybe they are aquatic. Hamsters with gills and knives strapped to their backs would be pretty badass. If I were a shark I wouldn't fuck with that shit.


I think the best female name in the world is Kira. And every Kira I've ever met has been hot HAWT. But I no longer know any Kiras.

Akira was an awesome movie. The voices in the original English dub kicked ass. The dude who did Kaneda's voice was the original Leonardo from TMNT. The redub of Akira is horrendous. The Japanese audio is cool though.


Apparently it is a guilty pleasure that I like the musical artist, Joe. If I'm not embarrassed of it does that still make it a guilty pleasure?

Are people still reading this? I hope not.

I haven't had belly button lint for many many years. I'm so clean.

It's weird knowing that my dad left us when I was young because of me... I hope I'm a good dad one day. I wonder if I'm sterile from wracking my nuts so many times from skateboarding accidents.

Cowboy Bebop's soundtrack is truly awesome opossum. Why the fuck does that word have a silent "o" in it? What is the point? Why not just throw a fucking Q at the beginning of it instead and say it's silent? Q doesn't get enough play in the English language. Oh well, at least Q gets some good face time in Star Trek.


I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning. I bought some Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. Breakfast will be awesome! I wonder how much cereal I would eat if I were a hobbit... Why are their feet so fucking hairy?




And that my fellow douches, is spoonerism.

Peace out qbitches

Gather 'round children, I'm about to tell you an epic tale. This is a tale of war, deciept, cheese, and evil. But most importantly, this is also a tale of courage, friendship, and sex toys. The tale begins with the infamous AvenueToTheReal.

While creating a new entry on xanga, all of AvenueToTheReal's posts mysteriously disappeared.

AvenueToTheReal: OMFWTFBBQ?! Where did all my posts go?!

She then furiously hits the F5 key on her keyboard (*note for n00bs* F5 refreshes the page) hoping that everything will be normal again. Unfortunately everything is still gone. But then she notices there is message in her inbox. It's from theblackspiderman and all it said was, "All my posts are gone!!!1!"

She quickly replied telling him to get on AIM asap!





AvenueToTheReal and theblackspiderman then proceeded to gather several Xangans together for a meeting in person to discuss what was going.





Everyone was happy to see each other in real life. But the excitement quickly wore off as the meeting got down to business.

lovesporks: What's this about? I have to study 37 different languages for homework tonight.
happyjen85: This better be important, I'm missing the new episode of Psych right now! :angryfaceemoticon:
theblackspiderman: We've gathered you all here because we have a huge dilemma; our xanga entries are beginning to disappear. Some of you haven't been affected... yet...
mea_maxima_culpa: Do you have any idea what's causing it?
AvenueToTheReal: Not yet, we're still looking into it.

Mysterious voice: I know what's causing it!!

Everyone turned to the left only to see a shadowy cloaked figure in the dark corner of the room.

StewieIsMyHero: WTF mate! Why so mysterious? Show yourself!

The cloaked man removed his hood to reveal his identity.





It was silence_of_words.

silence_of_words: I'm not the silence_of_words that you know.
DriftingGC8: Uhh... what do you mean?
silence_of_words: I'm the same person, but I'm from the future. And in the future, Xanga no longer exists!

Everyone: *GASP!*

silence_of_words: You see, a virus programmed to demolish Xanga has been released. AvenueToTheReal and theblackspiderman are among the first victims.
lovesporks: That's terrible!
silence_of_words: Let me have access to a laptop and I will attempt to contain the virus before it does anymore damage.
theblackspiderman: Here, use my computer.

silence_of_words pulls out a memory stick out of his pocket and sticks it in the usb drive. He then opens some futuristic program called MS-DOS. After a few moments of typing at 209 words per a minutes, he shuts down the computer and pulls out the memory stick.

silence_of_words: Okay, I've managed to contain the virus on this memory stick for now. But the virus has created a magical field around the memory stick.
mea_maxima_culpa: Can't we just step on it and destory the memory stick?
StephanieMarie7891: Weren't you listening? There's a magical field around it! MAGICAL!!!
silence_of_words: The only way to destroy it is by throwing it into the fires of Mt. Doom *dun dun dun*
StewieIsMyHero: Oh noes! Isn't that in Australia?! Australia is an evil place! Fucking kangaroos...





silence_of_words: Who here is willing to bare the burden of carrying this memory stick?

*long pause of silence*

DriftingGC8: I... I will do it.
lovesporks: Then I will go with you!
StephanieMarie7891: This concerns everyone here, we will all go with you
mea_maxima_culpa: Actually, I don't really use xanga much. I think I'm going to go get drunk instead.
happyjen85: Shut up, you're coming with us!
mea_maxima_culpa: You can't make me!
happyjen85: Well since I'm sleeping with your mother, that basically makes me your new father. And if I'm your father, you have to do what I say!
mea_maxima_culpa: Dammit... your logic is flawless
AvenueToTheReal: Enough talk, to the batmobile!
theblackspiderman: Uh... we don't have a batmobile, or any vehicles. Actually, we have to walk to Mt. Doom.

The Xangans gather up their gear and get ready for the long journey ahead of them. But before they head out, they were issued a warning.

silence_of_words: Beware of terminators, they have come from the future to prevent you from destroying the virus. And you must be quick in reaching Mt. Doom. If the virus is on the memory stick for too long before it is destroyed, bad things will happen.
StewieIsMyHero: What kind of bad things?
silence_of_words: The bad kind of bad things
StephanieMarie7891: Oh snap! That's the worst kind!
DriftingGC8: Yeah, yeah, bad things. So uh... what am I like in the future? Am I a total badass who is surrounded by ninja wenches?
silence_of_words: If by badass you mean lazy and by ninja wenches you mean bacon cheeseburgers, then yes, yes you are.
DriftingGC8: Sweet
silence_of_words: Alright, I must hop in my time machine and head back to the future. Good luck everyone!





lovesporks: We have to worry about terminators too?! This could be a tough journey.
StewieIsMyHero: How can we tell if somebody is a terminator?
theblackspiderman: It's easy, I actually came up with a point system to determine such a thing.





StewieIsMyHero: Oh, I saw a naked guy earlier who said his name was npr32486. I originally thought he was naked because he wanted to show off his abs, but maybe he was a terminator!
theblackspiderman: That's very likely, we must find him quickly! Take us to where you last saw him.


An hour later the group of totally awesome xangans arrives at the place where naked npr32486 was spotted.

StewieIsMyHero: This is where I saw him earlier, but it looks like he's gone now.
mea_maxima_culpa: This is boring... the only reason I'm here right now is because Diablo III hasn't come out yet.





npr32486: Hey guys, how's it going?
theblackspiderman: TERMINATOR!!!
npr32486: Wha... what? I'm not a terminator!
StephanieMarie7891: Then why are you naked?
npr32486: Oh you know...
AvenueToTheReal: That's not an answer!
npr32486: Oh but isn't it though... isn't it?
AvenueToTheReal: NO! It's not!
npr32486: Damn, I guess there's no way out of this. Go go gadget death punch!





happyjen85: Oh noes! He killed mea_maxima_culpa!!
DriftingGC8: You bastard!!
StewieIsMyHero: Quick, burninate him before he kills more of us!!
lovesporks: I'll spork him to death!

Just then she summoned hundreds of sporks and hurled them at npr32486. The sporks stabbed through his rock hard abs and stuck all in his flesh.





After the spork attack, npr32486 just stood and laughed because he wasn't really hurt. He then ripped off his skin to reveal the terminator within.

npr32486: Mwahahahaha! I really am a terminator!
theblackspiderman: Yeah... we kinda already figured that out on our own.
npr32486: Prepare to face my wrath!! And I will start with you spork girl, for you messed up my fleshy exterior!

npr32486 then charged at lovesporks with the fury of 1,000 squirrels. He threw a right hook, but she managed to dodge it and counter with an uppercut to his jaw. But when lovesporks's's's's fist met with his face, she broke her hand, afterall he's made out of titanium. Now in a daze with the overwhelming pain of her broken hand, npr32486 caught her off guard and backhanded her knocking her unconcious.

theblackspiderman: You can't hit a girl!!! I didn't want to have to do this, but you left me no choice!

theblackspiderman's symbiote emerged and covered his body transforming him from theblackspiderman to... THE black spiderman (I bet you didn't see that coming). npr32486 charged again ready to unleash a can of whoop ass. But theblackspiderman's spider sense began to tingle and he was able to dodge npr32486 before being hit. theblackspiderman then shot out some crazy web action at npr32486 and twirled him around in the air.





theblackspiderman let go of his web and launched npr32486 into a nearby wall, smashing him into pieces (ignore the fact that a wall just destroyed a titanium terminator).

StewieIsMyHero: Good job spidey!
StephanieMarie7891: How is lovesporks? Is she going to be alright.
DriftingGC8: She got hit pretty hard, but she'll be okay. We should drop her off at a hospital and continue our journey.

And that's just what we did. After taking her to the nearest hospital, we continued onward towards Mt. Doom.

happyjen85: So, why do they call it Mt. Doom?
StephanieMarie7891: I dunno, but it sounds scary.
AvenueToTheReal: Oh you'll see when we get there.

After about 3 hours of walking (that's right, fuck you geography), we arrived in Australia. Luckily we didn't run into any fire breathing kangaroos there. But after about another hour of traveling in Australia, we arrived at Mt. Doom.





(It's amazing how little effort I put into that picture. hahaha)

DriftingGC8: The memory stick is starting to shake.
theblackspiderman: Quickly, we must get to the top of the mountain and drop it in the fire.
StephanieMarie7891: Yeah remember, silence_of_words said bad things would happen. And I don't want to see what they are.
happyjen85: We have to climb all the way to the top of that mountain?! But it's like 300 degrees out here.
StewieIsMyHero: The sooner we climb up it, the sooner we can all go home and blog about this.

We began our trek up the mountain and eventually arrived at the top. We were sweaty, but we had finally reached the end.

AvenueToTheReal: Throw the memory stick in the fire! Stupid virus made me lose all my amazingly awesome posts!

I stepped slowly to the edge of the cliff and looked down into the firey pit. The heat from below burned more than the worst STD ever could. The memory stick began emitting a buzz and shaking violently. I extended my arm past the edge of the cliff ready to dispose of the memory stick. But just as I released my grip, the memory stick embedded itself into my skin. I freaked out and flung my arm around like it was asleep and I was trying to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, but it was no use. The memory stick was now a part of me and causing my arm to suddenly mutate.





StewieIsMyHero: Oh noes!! DriftingGC8!!!
StephanieMarie7891: This must be the bad thing silence_of_words was talking about!
AvenueToTheReal: Noooooooooo!!! You're too sexy to mutate!!!
DriftingGC8: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! HELP MEEEE!!!!!
happyjen85: Everyone get back!!

The mutating didn't just stop at my arm, my whole body began to puff up all gross like and I began to lose control of myself. Though my mind didn't want to, my body began to attack all my friends.

StephanieMarie7891: WTF are you doing?! You can't hurt me, I'm Miss Xangamerica!!
theblackspiderman: Quick everyone, summon your lions!!

AvenueToTheReal, happyjen85, StephanieMarie7891, StewieIsMyHero, and theblackspiderman all threw the right arms in the air at the same time and a blinding light filled the sky. I was unable to see for a few moments, but when I regained my vision, I saw my five friends getting into giant robotic lions. Then the lions began to fuse together:








The lions had formed Voltron! I tried to stop myself from attacking, but my mind still had no control over my body. As my arm (and I use the word "arm" loosely) extended out in hope of infecting my liony friends, Voltron raised its sword ready to strike a deadly blow to me.





Voltron's attack was successful. It cut right through me. Voltron then disbanded and the Xangans were back on foot.

happyjen85: Uhhh... did we just kill him?
theblackspiderman: It had to be done. It was him or us.
StewieIsMyHero: But, I never got a chance to play Guitar Hero with him. :sadface:
AvenueToTheReal: And I never got to bear his warrior children.
StephanieMarie7891: This truly is a sad day. But uh, does this mean the virus is destroyed?
theblackspiderman: To be sure, we should probably throw the remains of his carcass into the fire.
StephanieMarie7891: That's disgusting, I'm not touching any of that.
theblackspiderman: You'll touch it and you'll like it!

Everyone pushed my remains off the cliff and watched as it all melted into the firey pit of Mt. Doom. The virus was destroyed. Everyone's deleted entries were restored and people went back to blogging as usual. Xanga would live on... but I would not.

The end.

You're probably wondering how I made this post if I'm dead. Well, the truth is, I was brought back to life at a later date. But the tale of my revival is a story for another day.