A couple serious blogs today put me in the mood to write one myself.
I am trying to get over this notion that I need to avoid doing things that might cost me friendships. I've already learned the hard way, several times, that when that happens, those people who get up and leave the room weren't really friends anyway. Well, as long as the action wasn't that bad.
When I first started my store, I let some people buy things on credit. That seems so long ago it doesn't feel like it's a part of my life, really. But somewhere here in my apartment is a list I printed when I had to sell the Amiga computer I had then, of the people who owed me money and how much. It's a couple thousand dollars owed by several dozen people. Back then a couple thousand dollars was an entire month of sales. Not profits, the sales. So a couple thousand in profits would have been 3 or so months of sales. And as desperate as I was at that time, sharing my apartment with 5 other people, and paying bills on one credit card after another, I was afraid of losing a friend by not letting them walk all over me.
One day I wouldn't allow someone to buy on credit. His room mate at the time owed me over a hundred dollars and hadn't made a payment for a while. I stupidly mentioned that to him. That was stupid on a couple levels, mainly because it wasn't anyone's business but the guy who owed me the money. I did it because I was desperate and wanted him to tell his friend, thinking how friend would come pay me. Instead, they both went together and opened a rival game shop in town. My store outlasted theirs, maybe because the foundation of my business wasn't revenge but to give people something to do as cheaply as possible. Nah. That foundation doesn't stand these days either. It was because they looted their own store whenever they wanted a game.
I had another friend give me this reason for not paying me when I let him buy something on credit: (paraphrased though I can still hear it in my head) "You have an apartment and a car and a business, you don't need my money." I had a car that belonged to my parents and like I said, I shared a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other people. And the things I sold him for $250, I was only making $10 profit off.
Letting people buy on credit is like giving out free money. That is just one of the many things I did that caused me to hate the store and myself and other people.
I don't know if I did it for attention or to be the good guy or what my mental problem is. I have a host of mental problems, I'm sure. If I could find a psychologist (or whatever) who wasn't full of shit I'd like to find out just what is wrong with me.
When I sold the store, also, several people I thought were friends just disappeared. They were new friends of the new guy who bought the store. So, really, how blind was I? They weren't friends, just people hoping for a hand out I suppose.
I wish there was some sort of way of knowing who is a real friend and who isn't. Barring some major drama that weeds out the false ones, I just don't know of anything. And making up some drama to try and weed them out? That's a worse idea that committing to a friendship with someone who isn't a real friend.
I don't have a whole lot of friends here. There are a couple people I'd like to be friends with but they don't show any sign of wanting the same thing. They know who they are. So I decided to stop trying. I'm wasting time on them when I have other friends I can do things with. and some of the friends I have now have popped out families and don't have a lot of free time. I understand that, but I miss them. And some of my friends here are probably so annoyed by me they don't like to come around all that often.
Which I suppose is why I really want to move. Far from here. I'll know who was a friend by who stays in touch through email. Then I could make plans to go visit them and, I guess, be like normal people who do that sort of thing. Because right now, most of those people are too busy or maybe too tired of me to want to hang out. And in a new place, I have nothing to offer but myself. No store to give credit, no money to loan, no connections, so maybe the friends I'd make in a new place would be the real ones.
Well, enough rambling. I was going to have a point but I don't think I managed it.
Comments (16)
the concept of credit is problematic on so many levels. thanks for sharing your personal challenge being on the lending side of the equation. when one thinks of what credit really is...the invisible hand of a past action carrying forward with heavier and heavier consequences [interest] it's amazing that the world hasn't imploded already. namaste
you have a point, but your journey isn't over yet, so you don't know how it'll turn out...that's very different than not having a point...you said it very clearly, and i think your synopsis sounds right on...
being the self-righteous asshole i am, though, i thought while reading this that maybe you were using the business as a representation of you instead of an independent entity...if you distance yourself from the business and think of it as a separate living entity then you have a motivation for not hurting the business by giving folks credit for stuff they won't pay back...if they say "what, aren't we friends?" the response is, "sure, we're friends, but the business is the business"...if you think of it as something you want to hand down someday (whether heirs exist or not!) then you can be protective of it and rationalize not giving breaks that'll end up hurting the biz in the long run...
that's off-topic, i realize, but something i thought of while reading...i know we all bend the rules for friends and things, but personally if i do business with a friend, and that business is their livelihood, there's no effing way i'm asking for a discount or some financial arrangement that puts them out on the ledge...in fact, i'd pay full price just because it's my buddy's business...friends are not folks to take financial advantage of...
and yeah, friends are the people who are there when the dust settles...the rest were acquaintances at best...lots of caveats to that, but generally it works...
that said, as somebody who has moved a lot over the past few years, you do tend to shake friends loose with every move...it's not fun...some of them are honest-to-god real friends that just have busy lives and would love to hear from you and have a beer when you're in town, but you can't sit back and wait for them to contact you via email or w/e and judge whether they're friends based upon that...that's asking for some ammo for a self-pity party...
and trust me, i know all about those ;) i'm having a nice one right now ;P
I'm sorry peeps didn't pay you back. Money and friendship is not a good idea sometimes, but you are a nice guy and you didn't think you'd be taken advantage of. It's one thing to be taken advantage of by someone who you barely know. It's another thing when you do know the person and consider them a friend. It definitely hurts more. :(
I loved your store! Whenever I'd come to visit, I'd always have to buy something. I was like a kid in a candy shop. You had cool stuff there.
Anyway, stop disappearing so much and POST MORE!
DOODIEKINS!
I think wintermute shows a lot of insight as to how to do it right, but when we're young we do it wrong, just for fun.
I think you should make up a form letter, essentially saying the debts aren't enforceable any more, but mounting credit was one reason for the sale of the store and anyone who for whatever reason couldn't pay in the past is kindly asked to do so now if possible.
It would be an interesting social project to see what kind of response you get
I think wintermute is spot on about separating business and friendship. Sounds like you were "too nice." I suffer from that ailment sometimes, too, but I've become more jaded (or more bitchy).
Re: friends. I've had "friends" over the years, but I tend to wear them out with all my kid drama. It's not easy to be my friend, I accept that. As wintermute also said, the friends are the ones that are still there when the dust settles. For me, a real friend is someone I can pick right back up with after a long absence, by either me or them. It's like no time has passed once we're together again. Life gets busy, and time flies and before you know it you haven't spoken to a "friend" in 5 months or so. True friends get that, thoigh. It's not personal, it's just life.
One thing to remember, too, is that life is NOT like the TV show "Friends" or "Sex in the City." 95% of people do not have some magical group of friends that they do things with ALL the time, and are best buddies with. You do the best you can with what you've got.
I still vote for Richmond. Nice mild climate, good job market
I've been on the side of being too nice a lot in my life. I'm not anywhere as nice as I once was nor will I ever be. I also have more trust issues than I have had before. I think I'm at a nice level either way. My friend Jeff has a new gaming place in Highlands Ranch and while other people have asked for freebies and credit I never do. It's his livelyhood. I pay full price there when I could drive north 40 mintues and get same stuff for 20% off. :P
Loyalty to your friends in business is possible you just have to know who those guys are who will never put you into the "too nice" position.
Or those who would sell your body to science. Like Mutant.
i agree with your instinct for a fresh slate, but i don't think you necessarily need to move far away to accomplish that. just a minor shift can do a world of good. i hope you find something that will do that for you soon.
i avoid these issues by being a complete asshole, 100% of the time. it really simplifies things. i'm telling you, man, move to jersey. then i can treat you like shit, too.
I'm your Friend
But I'm not there
RYC: under her adorable fake-fur tummy!!!!
You should move east. And i'm not just sayin' that to suck up to Rache, either.
I was amused by the guys who tried to open up a game store in the same town as you, but failed. Monkeys can't sell bananas, i guess, hehe. But i also agree with everybody else who says money and friendship are a bad idea, and friends shouldn't be asking for the hook-up when it's your livelihood at stake.
i have heard that friends and money don't mix, guess this is another example.
There's nothing wrong with you, ass. You're just too nice. And, as much of a pain as that is for you sometimes, it's not a fault. Come on over anytime. I don't have a lot of room, but I can make some.
then they aren't your friends. that's the real shame of it. and it wasn't you - they were the assholes.
also, rache just wants you to move to new jersey so she has a slave to help her tame bees.
I got distracted by the corn
I struggle with being the glue that holds my friendships together. Sometimes I just want some acetate and go live in a yurt in the middle of a coyote infested desert. But in the end, I live for my friends. I'm certainly not living for me.
Hey man~!
Credit!! you mean I coulda got stuff on credit!!! jeeez thanks for telling me now hahahaa.
Perhaps now that everyone has stopped having babies we can start gaming again and maybe perhaps YOU can show up and enjoy yourself!!! Now that the weather is good I am going to start BBQ'ing again so expect a few invites to that as well my friend. alot has been going on since we last talked and I think we need to catch up. I will give you a call this week sometime and we can do something.. dinner or lunch or a movie or whatever!
Talk at you then, D