Random Thoughts…

Benjamin Franklin said these first:

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Is a virgin someone who's avoided the mistakes you made?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

I *am* in shape! - Round is a shape!

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

I do weight lifting every morning... getting out of bed!

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm saving myself until I find the woman I love, - which is pissing off my wife no-end.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out of it alive, anyway.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

Apathy rules... But who cares?

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Failure is not getting knocked down . . . It's not getting back up!

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Insanity is hereditary… you get it from the kids.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Sex is like Rain... you never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long it's going to last.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

If you must let your mind go blank, please turn off the sound.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I'm not afraid of heights... I'm afraid of depths.

If your nose runs, and your feet smell, did god make a design error?

If cleanliness is next to godliness, - I must be right next door to hell.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.