Monday, May 02, 2005

• Situation Number one
  Its the one that's just begun
  But evidently its too late
  Situation Number two
  Its the only chance for you
  It's controlled by denizens of hate
  Situation Number three
  It's the one that no one sees
  All too often dismissed as fate
  Situation Number four
  The one that left you wanting more
  Tantalized you with its bait
  

  A Topic to Consider:
  Certainty – what a word to go by in a world of uncertainty.  I’ve imagined before a wishful place of happiness and solitude but the older I become the less likely this seems to be true.  Because of this uncertainty in our lives there is never a chance to explore love, adventure, friends… and life with out the most hesitant attitude possible.  Of course, we can say that we are adventurous or fun-loving but deep inside many of us worry just what might happen in the next five minutes.

   

  Love – to me any ways – is like a shower of water you slide your naked body into; expecting warm steam to clear your head from the day of hectic chaos – instead getting a frigid cold splash of ice on your back causing you to jump and yelp a curse here and there.  You might even yell out at your roommate for using all the warm water, but instead you tough it out and wait for the unexpected.  By the time your fingers start to prune like raisins suddenly a glimpse of hope as the water slowly starts to warm your soul up… and then you have to get out.

   

  Again, life is never what we expect it to be but some how we wish that we knew something that could eliminate these worrisome thoughts that we hold so dearly.  I have hated the fact that I can never fully trust any one that isn’t in my bubble – even it happens to be the person I have been dating for months on end.  Damn every one who played with my heart and made me a withered old man who can’t love with out hurting some one else.  I am in a different and defeated state that could not stand to have some one come into my life and change me.  This whole thought of having to compromise for some thing you want to love baffles me, because I never really thought of having to compromise for anything ever in my life.  And this is where I fail miserably since I’ll never really understood why I should change the way I am to meet the needs of whom ever it might be.  Scary, isn’t it?

   

  I might be a very extroverted person when I’m around people that I feel comfortable with but in reality I like to keep things simple and lonely.  I’ve never really understood this either – Yet, I want to try to make friends and have a life of solitude at the same time.  Doesn’t that seem to contradict its self?  I’m sure that there is some happy medium between the two.  And let me clarify some thing, I might want to live a life of solitude but I would like to have that life with some one else as well.  A lot of people think that I am hard to get to know because of this solitude that I enjoy, and they might be right, but this is simply done because of my past. 

   

  Over the past 22 years I have never really felt the need to share my feelings with any one after doing so in the past and getting burned.  Josh is a prime example – I slowly fell for him and began to trust him with my emotions… but as soon as I began to feel comfortable with him he decided that I wasn’t what he wanted and cheated on me.  I was in New York the time he called me and broke up with me – I was crying my eyes out and he was just simply listening to me plead with him for some “miracle” second chance.  Josh isn’t the only one that seemed to have hurt me and left a huge impact on me with men.  There was Nick Foster, the first guy I dated when I arrived here at school, dated me for only for a month and then stop talking to me.  I wasn’t a basket case about the situation I just wanted to know what happened and when I called him up to see if he would still like to do something with me he went into this detailed explanation about the guy he had been seeing for just over a week and la di da.

   

  I suppose through trial and error I’ll get this right one day and realize that there are a lot of things I have to do in order for my love life to work out.  Essentially, all I really want is some one that is willing to spend some quality time with me and still understand that I would want some space.  This might also be why I like long-distance relationships which make it easy for me not to see the person twenty four – seven and both parties are happy.  Yet, as I get into the serious part of the relationship I start to question whether or not I’m ready or want to be involved in such a serious commitment.  I also want to start spending more time with the person and end up becoming very frustrated with how things are going (even if they are going extremely well) and the world blows up.  BOOM!  And we’re done with this topic.

  In all do respect, I am not a shallow person and nor do I hate life or love; I just really need some one to come into my life and sweep my off my feet.  I haven't been bedazzled by any one but a few people who were either straight or were not interested in some thing.  I suppose the best thing I can do now is simply wait and see what my love future holds for me.  I'm sure while I wait I'll be disappointed many times more.  If only there was a way you could go some where tell them exactly what you wanted and leave with whatever that person might be.  Wait!  The internet has services like this... Gah!

  Bri

  • 4:05 PM
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