Friday, April 14, 2006

• I did a very heterosexual thing yesterday - well - I do a lot of heterosexual things in my life because being gay doesn't make me want to wear dresses or jump like a pansy - any ways, I spent most of the evening golfing on one of my favorite courses.  I know I know - I really am not gay I just happen to be trapped in some body that crave's penises?  Sure, why not?  I think a lot of what makes the world go round for me is that I am able to find solitude in things that involve myself and only myself.  The whole idea of being lost in the middle of an open field whacking away at a pointless one inch radius ball comforts me. Or the fact that no matter how hard I try to force the damn ball into a little two inch hole it will not crack under pressure.  That is life.

  I can blame my Dad for making me a man and my Mom for making me gay.  Yes - you heard it here first - my mother is the reason I like penises and would never in my life touch a vagina - unless some ungodly amount of money was offered and I would be able to live off the interest for the rest of my life - but to the point, she taught me things that make the world important.  Like caring for those that are less forunate then you are because no matter how bad you think you have it there is always some one else who could have it worse.  She taught me italian and sign language - how to be a gentlemen and when to be polite and when not to be polite (which is basically all the time) - the fact that love is not something that simply falls into your lap but instead takes a long time to figure out - that you should never wear white pants before Memorial Day (but who really follows this, I see men break this promise all the time and who really wants to see what type of underwear (or lack there of) you are wearing) - and most importantly, that if you know how to knit you know how to live life.  Right.

  So back to the main story; I love golf... a lot.  For reasons that many of you gay men would never know - because being on the golf course is one of the few santuaries I have on this oh-so-big world we call earth.  I am sure some of you have nail salons or hair salons that you find just as refreshing but mine revolves hitting a golf ball and enjoying nature at its best.  So when I'm in dire need to figure out what is up with my hopeless romantic life and the vital reason for my insanity; I go golfing.  Yeah - the solitude is great - but there is nothing like having an open land to just figure shit out and do it while enjoying some thing I love to be doing.  What is every one else's santuary?

  The biggest question I have always had with my life as a gay man has been the assumption people make about who I am and how I am going to behave.  The labeling that exist.  And the intimidation through labeling.  At least, when I was sixteen and I came out a lot of the people I came out to (besides my parents who apparently know every thing) were shocked that I was "GAY."  How could the catcher of the baseball team and the happy go lucky kid be gay??  The very guy that had women all over him and wanted to be around him??  I was thinking how could they not see it and am I the only one who is gay?  Haha - what a great time that was!  Not really, because coming out is like trying to flush yourself down the toilet and hoping it flushes with out the thing a ma gig to unclog it (I can't remember what they are called, sorry.)

  I mean - I like being gay - because it gives me excuses to be really handisome at what I do in my daily life - kind of like trying to be a metrosexual but failing awfully at it.  I have this pot of pretty fake flowers on my desk that I'm sure no heterosexual man would ever dare have on his desk.  Or the really cute photo I have of my really close friends and I on my wall where we were at some gay club half slutty and half drunk and we all look like we could be the bonified gay type.  Or the fact that in my car stereo cd player there is Madonna, Billy Joel, Levi Kreis, and my iPod of gayness.  Or the fact that I have a crush on two people:  Dido and Matthew McConaughey.  And I have a poster of him in my room and I want his children. 

  So yeah, there are a few things that make me gay but these things don't sum me up as a whole.  Like the fact that when I was in high school I was the captian of the baseball team and the golf team (which we one state in twice when i was on the team), or that I have enough baseball cards to make Jesus jealous, or that I only have four pairs of shoes and two pairs of sandals and one pair of flip flops (which I can wear again YAY!) or that I drive a pick up truck, or that I don't like to shave and I grow up my stubbled "beard" and I think it makes me look hot; or that I don't like design or interior design, and I don't like peddle pushers, and I don't like that gay channel they have now, and I don't like cross dressing, and I don't like hardcore bear porn.  I am just me.

  So maybe I am not a label?  Maybe I am not gay or straight or bi?  Maybe I am just different or unique, or special?  Maybe I am in between?  Maybe people label me so that they can feel better about themselves when trying to compare you to me?  And maybe it is all because of who I am people want to label me so that they can sleep at night and know they are better then I am?  Maybe.

  The sum of this whole equation is this:  just because I might be different doesn't necessarily mean I am wrong or worse off or better off or bad.  I might be "gay" but I like a lot of things that aren't "gay."  It really is true - you can't judge a book by its cover - and you definately can't judge me by what you see on the surface.  I am attractive but that doesn't mean I'm a slut.  I'm smart but that doesn't mean I am a nerd.  I'm personable but that doesn't mean I'm fake.  I'm funny but that doesn't mean I'm an asshole.  I am confident but that doesn't mean I am wanted.  And I'm courageous and adventureous but that doesn't mean I'm stupid.  I am what I am - so why are you trying to figure out what I am?  And then what is the point?

   

  Bri

   

  • 11:53 AM
  • 10 views
  • 10 eprops
  • 5 comments