Friday, November 12, 2004

• So Yassar Arafat is dead. The man who singlehandedly created a Palestinian nation out of a group of displaced refugees finished his last heartbeat in Paris a few days ago. His death is being mourned and cheered around the Middle East. In honor of the original "Turban-ator", I made a "virtual tour" around the world for you to bring you some commentary. I am your American bureau chief of that august news organization, the AP (Absurd Politics), that exists to point out absurdities in politics on all sides, regardless of my political loyalties. Let me know if the AP should report again or should be silenced forever!

  Washington DC (AP). President Bush, when asked about the importance of the death of Arafat during a rare press conference, answered "It's not really that big a deal. Arafat isn't even the top-turban wearer in the Middle East. Have you seen the way he wraps that thing? Looks like a shawl. He really should get some tips from Hamad Karzai, my personal puppet, I mean president, of Afghanistan. That man knows how to wear a turban! It's no wonder that Osama has defeated Arafat in the "Mr. Terrorist" competition 4 years running. Besides, he didn't like my nickname for him, "Fatty-poo". What a thin-skinned dude--how could anyone not realize that my nicknames are a sign of respect instead of an attempt to belittle my inferiors to control them?"

  President-in-exile John Kerry responded by saying "Unlike the president, I have a plan for the death of Arafat that will restore dignity and pride to the American people." When it was pointed out that Arafat was already dead, Kerry stammered that his plan had already succeeded before it had failed. "See, it worked! Don't you feel more confident even as we speak?" After others pointed out that he couldn't call himself President-in-exile unless he and Teresa moved to Canada and started paying higher taxes, Presidential wanna-be Kerry brought the news conference to an abrupt close.

  Paris (AP) A long procession of grieving Arabs and French alike wound through the streets, mourning the death of the Arab statesman. President Jacques Chirac was prominent among the grieving, and was heard to whisper endearing words like "In another twenty years, this is going to be the Muslim Republic of France anyway. Maybe they'll let me be a sultan or something for marching. This had better count for something--these dress shoes are tight! Hmm, I wonder how I'd look in a turban. At least it'd hide my receding hairline" and "Osama, you had better be watching. This counts for another 3 years of "Free Non-Terrorist Activity", right? Send that coupon, I'll be waiting..."

  Palestinian Territory (AP) Grieving Palestinians searched for ways to convince outsiders of their loss. The 200 English-speaking people in the Palestinian territories were handed notecards stating "He was like a father to me. It is like my brother has died." and pointed in the direction of the media hordes. Tires were burned and guns fired, in honor of the fathers who died pursuing Arafat's policies. Hamas, seeing the large crowd of people unaware of danger, sent a squadron of suicide bombers into the crowd. The bombers nearly detonated themselves before they realized what was going on and joined in the festivities. Unfortunately, none wandered near the burning tires, which would have been a firework display worthy of the great Arafat.

  Ramallah (AP) A large crowd of Jewish settlers were turned away from the compound by Arafat's angry supporters and security forces. They were there for many reasons. Yosef Goldenstein, a recent immigrant from Kansas, was there to buy the compound. "I said to myself, 'Yosef, if there ever was a better place to put in condos, it's not in Israel.' Do you know what they're charging in Tel Aviv for a 2-bedroom? All I need is a few of those Isreali bulldozers, and the place will be ready in no time! I'll call it "Arafat's Final Rest" even; don't say I don't know my history!" 

  Others were there to act as tour guides for the new site. "Now that the euro is much more valuable than the dollar, those American tourists who want to see Christian sites aren't paying us enough." said one guide who refused to be named. "Jesus has been dead for 2000 years! Most of the people who want to see his grave already have. But come on, Arafat just died this week! Think of the demand to see his gravesite!"   When this reporter suggested that the Arab tourists might consider finishing off insolent Jews like him as the ultimate conclusion to such a tour, the fellow ran off. He muttered something about buying a condo instead.

  Jerusalem (AP) Jews here were torn between celebration and thoughtful pondering of disasters to come. Most realized that Hezbollah might consider the occasion as the removal of the last restraint in their way to commit acts of terror. With the gallows humor that characterizes some inhabitants, one woman remarked that she was surprised that Arafat died in Paris. She always thought that Hamas would strap Arafat to a wheelchair with some rockets and give him one last joy-ride into a crowd of shoppers. Arafat was known to enjoy shopping with the "people's treasury" for the occasional Lamborghini in fire-engine red, in-between quests to evolve from "compound-man" to "statesman".

  Others were not so jovial. Arial Sharon, in particular, was distraught. "With Yassar dead, I have no way of demonizing the Palestinian cause to the Western world. Everyone knows the simple Americans need a villian to turn into the 'Great Satan'. The turban was especially key to whipping up the "Eww, that's not American, I don't like it" voting block. But Muhammad Abbas, Arafat's replacement, doesn't wear a turban! And he wears a suit! Now there'll be less excuses for me to fence the Palestinians in and try to segregate our peoples instead of trying to establish harmonious co-existence. To get the Palestinians riled up again, I'll have to kick the Dome of the Rock or something. But then I'll look like the reckless, immature leader I am, and the voters will catch on to my act for the last 20 years. Wait, did I say that last sentence out loud?"

  This has been a report from your local AP bureau chief, who reminds you that all comments originate from John's cynical, bemused mind and in no way represent any of the real thoughts or attitudes of slow American politicians, corrupt European dignitaries, radical Palestinians, Isreali opportunists, or scheming Isreali Prime ministers. We hope.

   

  • 11:11 AM
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