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Grumbold
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Name: Graham
Birthday: 5/7/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Indy music, Cool people, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Mesopotamia, Clasical Greece, Classical Rome
Expertise: Computer support, Greek, Latin, The Humanities in general biotch!
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Computers (Software)
Message: message me
AIM:  grahilis
Member Since:
7/25/2005
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| Wistful days wind downIf no one knew this about me, I love the Fall and winter. Probably because I'm a person of solitary nature and I like cold weather. Liking cold weather affords me the privilege of enjoying the beauty that is the fall and winter months mostly to myself, while everyone is huddled up for warmth. At the same time the holidays beckon, warm and inviting, full of genuine affection even love. Fall is especially wonderful as all the leaves change, green to vibrant orange and yellow to brown, a reminder of the placid quiet march everything takes into perpetual sleep, punctuated by the vigor of many colors bursting, everyone at once, a manifestation of the majesty present in all creation. And as these wistful days wind down creatures of all kinds huddle together for warmth, a personal reminder of our weakness before fallow nature, held in sway by the pressing in of night, the long shadows we dance in coming sooner and sooner till we cannot hope for another sunrise and suddenly; the day becomes an exquisite moment longer and we are renewed, ready to believe that we are safe and protected , that someone watches over us, ensuring we will not pass away but creation will continue on ahead of us marching in a glorious procession begun so many days before and promising so many days ahead.
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| Possibility!So I hung what amounts to be an enormous sheet of paper in my room, blank. My plan is to fill it with art, whatever I feel like drawing whenever I feel inspired. Maybe I'll stick stuff to it, I'm not really sure. What I am sure of is its potential, which is nearly limitless. So limitless I'm actually a tad stymied as to what exactly I should put up, honestly its intimidating! So far I've got peculiar doodles that my less open-minded roomate insists on making fun of me for but I think are endearing. The plan is to throw up whatever inspires me and inundate my life with color and imagination, to force myself to be whimsical; I'm not sure I can do that but I'm going to try my best. I'm really excited about it and would love as much input as anyone would like to have. Its here to celebrate my friends as much as anything I can conceive on my own so if you visit me I may force you to draw or write something, as long as its kosher!
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| Your subconcious is a strange place
I had a dream last night; it was
bizarre. For most people that sentence
would be enough for the conversation to move on, to accept the fact that
someone had a strange dream and remembered it with any amount of recollection.
That, however, is not enough for
me; it is not simply enough to say “Hey Graham, wow, well let me tell you about
my day” or what have you.
You see, I don’t dream, and that’s
not to say that I don’t have life goals or any other altruistic sort of thing,
it’s that I don’t dream at night. My
nights are emotionless, imageless, and rarely restful. But not last night, no, last night was a
panoply of sight and sound, and pain; there was pain. You see, last night I dreamt I had no legs, not that I was born
without legs or that naturally I should have no legs, I dreamt they had been
amputated. You see, they were amputated
because I had become involved in a tragic limousine accident, which resulted in
the “obvious” loss of both my legs.
Of course, after the peculiar
amputation I was forced to be wheeled around in a wheelchair, fortunately I was
whisked into complete self-sufficiency when it came to that point, skipping the
obvious rehabilitation. Well then my
dream became a disjointed experience where I perceived that I was walking
around, with no legs mind you, and my friends and family corrected me and
explained that; instead of walking about, I was hopping about in a cruel
mockery of the manner nature intended.
Suffice to say, my evening was strange beyond
comparison. I have no idea what this may mean or if there is any subconscious
explanation for my condition and behavior. Honestly I doubt it, maybe its just
my mind trying to tell me that my perception of things is so far removed from
reality that its absurd, who knows but
it certainly is a strange event in my subconscious. | | |
| So its about time for another one of these, things are good and everything but I'm settling into an apathetic haze again. No WoW leaves me time to do other things, like twiddle my thumbs waiting for someone to call or watch paint dry, that ones always a crowd pleaser. Actually its not really that bad I even have something akin to a social like nowadays, which is odd for me. Its especially odd considering that normal college things I don't really enjoy, like getting bombed and going to a party or whatever else college students do for fun, I'm not really sure what that is. Its probably doing smack and running crazy through the streets, or aborting illegitimate children, maybe its that, who knows?
I find it extremely difficult to reconcile my "enlightenedly cynical" attitude and Chritianity. I'm torn between being wholeheartedly believing in God and then watching people do stupid things to each other or themselves all day and wondering why the disparity. This problem is ratified especially when I hang out with my "religious" friends that have serious insecurities, almost to the point of considering them debilitating. How can you be personally involved with an infinitely powerful and loving savior and still be insecure, or worry, or feel out of control. Faith must be easier for people who have less time to think or have less of a capacity to think, maybe?
Cynicism really is a destructive world view, first it destroy's the things you can't help, the events and people that don't mean anything to you. Then it permeates your personal relationships and rends chasms between you and your friends because you can't reconcile the inner distrust of all people with the need for friendship or love to be a trusting relationship, one based on faith in others to be good to you and not fail. Finally, cynicism destroys a person as they eat themselves alive with disconnected navel-gazing trying to establish what makes a person as an individual able to say that he is any better than any of the other things he or she has become disillusioned with. I think I'm moving between phase 2 and phase 1, I find it extremely hard to love anyone or anything, I'm not sure what to do about it. Whats worse is that this doesn't really bother me, I don't sit awake at night wondering what I'm going to do about it, or whether I should even do anything about it, it just is. I'm drifting further away and one day I'll probably wake up and realize I'm alone, thats when you shift into phase 3 and self destruction comes. Whats funny about it though, is I'm not really worried, I'm almost resigned to the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life, not alone in the sense that I'll never get married or anything like that, I mean alone, truly and starkly alone, it almost doesn't bother me anymore.
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| Just so everyone knows, I've officially cancelled my subscription to WoW, so yeah.
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