I'm Back...after who knows how long.

Okay...you're right.  I got a facebook and totally forgot about xanga.  and now I need to let out my fustrations in a way that my other buds won't really know...cuz they all worry about me way too much, you know?

So this past week was rather agonizing.  Not gonna lie--I considered a lot of things that I never would've if I was a happy person.  I just don't have anyone to talk to about my problems and no one to lean on except Rachel, who has her own problems, so I don't tell her everything.

First, I can't really stand my house anymore.  Not my parents, just not being independent.  I can't stand the fact that I have to ask my parents to pay for my gas because I can't afford it or call my parents all the time to tell them when I'm gonna be home that night.  It's annoying, and I just wanna be let go of.  I know I shouldn't be so ready to leave, but I am...I wanna get an apartment and a job and live with me, myself, and I for a while.  Visiting my parents would be nice, and I would still talk to them, but I need to get out and take care of myself.

I also pinched my sciatic nerve this past week...which sucks beyond all belief...It hurts so bad I can't even pick up a basket of clothes without thinking I'm going to be paralyzed.  As far as sleeping, I can't get any more than a half an hour at a time.  So I'm grouchy, I look horrible, and I can't get any better until I do something about my back.  Which I won't because my parents can't afford to pay for a prescription or a doctor's appointment.  Go me...I'm pretty much doomed right now.

I have also broken up with the man of my dreams...which is extremely devastating to me.  My parents didn't like him, our realationship was built on the wrong things, and we just weren't handling everything well.  So I ended it for these reasons, and several other, including to protect us from each other and from ourselves.  And yet, I love him the same as any other time.  But it's harder now because there are people that hate me for breaking up with him, and people that hate me for loving him.  And I have no idea how he feels.  He doesn't want to talk to me in public because it'll ruin his chances of moving on.  Even though mine are already ruined and I have nothing to lose anyway.

I went to New Mexico after I broke up with him, and it went well, except for all the time I was alone.  I fell in love with the Navajo people and their culture, and also the environment over there...the warm, dry air, the blue skies, and the beautiful scenery.  It never ceased to amaze me.  And as for the little kids there, I loved them.  There was one specific little boy I liked...his name was Raven, and boy, was he cute.  His favorite superhero was Spiderman, and he wouldn't tell anyone else his name except Seth.  Which was cute.

School is hard too.  I'm taking all of these hard classes, and somehow I expected myself to get all A's and a great GPA.  Spanish IV, Anatomy (for college credit), Chem II (just for fun), and honors english...god, was I nuts back when I chose my schedule.  I don't want to drop any of my classes either because I can't make myself look bad.

I'm applying to Ball State and Depauw.  Hopefully I can get the scholarships I need to get into them.  I'd love Depauw more than anything...I really fell in love with everything there, and I want so bad to go to a school that will really challenge me.

That's about it.  I decided not to tell you everything either...just because I can.

Track Practice

So today was the first almost-full track practice we've had so far this season.  All of the basketball people were there.  Here's how it went:  I had to sprint to get the stupid indoor blocks because the sprinters needed them...why they can't sprint to go get ehm, I'm not totally sure.  They were at least stretched out and faster than me.  Then when practice really got started, my boyfriend was running around the cafeteria doing a T-Rex impression--arms curled, squealing/screaming, and chasing whatever poor thing was in his path.  After the first couple of 1000's, Adam was licking his nipple--raisng his shirt and everything--or at least trying to.  Hannah and Caitie were singing Misery Business, and Nikki was saying something about how it was too high for her.  Kristin was saying she was going to stand int he middle of the hallway and stop all of the track runners by sing "Stop in the Name of Love."  I was trying do vocab worksheets.  Then I got the Chicken Dance stuck in my head.  And this whole time Chase was coming up to me between every run and hugging me or kissing me or bothering me or some other random thing he thought of over his run.

So yeah...it was excitingand interesting.

So that's the highlight of my day...great, right???

Talk to you later.

Kels

Today had to be the lonliest day I've had for a while.  I'm not sure is was that good for me either.  Cuz youknow how some people say, oh the lonliness does me good sometimes?  I'm not really like that.  I hate being alone.  I hate not having anyone to talk to or look forward to seeing.  I hate feeling helpless.  I just hated my day in general.

Chase wasn't at school today.  I guess he's sick, so he told me last night that he wouldn't be there.  And then I was upset, because I knew Mondays are the worst.  I wanted him to be there so bad, I became the biggest snob alive to get it.  And even now, I still am not quite sure what made me become so selfish in that moment.  I'm kind of hoping that it wasa mood swing and it won't happen for a while.  Or maybe even never again.

You see, ever since I have been stressed over stupid little things like a job and homework and scholarships and college (=D), I am extremely moody.  So y'all need to comment Chase and give him cyber high-fives for me.  Because he has definitely handled a lot of nasty situations with me very well.  For example, last night on the phone.  I blew up for the dumbest reason...and he didn't break up with me.  I would have broken up with me in an instant.

Well, I am going to go.

Oh yeah...I might be running long distance in track.  I'm trainign for one week then deciding.  Coach has begged me and really wants me to run for him because he lost his best runner.  He just doesn't know that at one time I had a 6:30 mile.  I'm sure it's about 8 minutes by now.  Which sucks.

So yeah.  Bye.

Currently Listening Apologize see related

Job Searching Sucks

So today I was job searching.  I used up two and a half hours of my time and a quarter of a tank of gas.  I got two applications.  And was told to fill two others out on the internet.  Which I did.  I am now awaiting responses from four places.  The fifth told me that they were pursuing other people abnd wished me luck in my career search.  Which means, "We don't like you, so go away and don't apply again."

So yeah.  I am slightly disappointed and wish that I had a job already so that I wouldn't have to worry about stuff like gas money and earning money to go on a ission trip.  For example, Emma pays for all of her gas, and she has extra to buy cute purses and clothes and food.  She does really well, and she hasa n awesome job at the llibrary.  Why couldn't I apply for a job like that, where it's close to school and easy and quiet and pays relatively well?  Nope, I wanted to dive for a coach who I'm sure hates me.

Anyway, I'm witing on Chase to call me.  He was at a wrestling tourney Friday and saturday, and then spent the night at his best friend's house last night.  So I haven't really had a chance to talk to him at all since school Friday.  Ad that doesn't even count because I can't talk to him about the things I want to there.  Things like job searching and family problems and Daddy's back.  And my shoulder and everything else going wrong in my life.

Apparently my uncle Rusty put a screwdriver through his hand tonight.  He was prying something in the garage, and it slipped and went through his hand.  Now he won't let his wife take him to the hospital for some reason.  Hopefully it all turns out okay and he won't be hurt too seriously.  Or it won't get infected and get worse.  So I'm praying that he lets Cathy take him to the hospital.

Well, I'm going to go now.  I'm bored and I think I want to look up some random quotes online.

See ya. 

Kelsie Jo

Bookstore again...

I am at the bookstore today, so I have all kinds of time to write on this right now.  Already today, I have applied for a job, called a woman about a mission trip which I'm not quite sure I can go to now, and I've rearreanged shelves.  So now I'm writing on this. 

Surprisingly, my Valentine's Day was good this year.  I made a scrapbook that will be continued (hopefully!) for Chase, with all kinds of pictures of Chase and me and goofy pictures of me.  I printed out his story from Xanga, and used it as a background, then found out the story that I wrote out about us and put it in there too.  I wanted to put a CD in it, but I don't have the internet to download the songs I want to put on it.  And I didn't know how that would flow in the theme.

Chase got me a stuffed animal, a dog that had a heart that said "Be Mine" in its mouth and a card that played a song and a necklace that his mom wanted to get rid of.  My favorite thing, though, was a movie that he made on MovieMaker that had a bunch of pictures and a song on it and little messages on it.  It was so nice, I must have said aaww a million times...

I'm thinking about bringing my Zune here next Saturday and downloading songs then.  I have this 14-day membership thing, and I thought, I'll activate it then and dowload a bunch of songs then and put them on a disc and use them for the scrapbook.  Hopefully my plan works, and I can make the theme work.  I'll just cross my fingers.

Well, that's about all of the excitement in my life right now.  Except track starting soon and I'll be busy then.  And there's a talent show next Wednesday that I have to go to for pep band.  And I think that really is it.

Oh yeah--Chase's older brother is wrestling at state today!  I'm supposed to be gettin phone calls, but Chase hasn't called yet, so I have no idea how he's done since he won last night.  I'm just praying that he doesn't get hurt too badly or hurt someone else too badly.  He's ranked third, so hopefully he gets at least that.  First or second would be flippin' awesome for him, since he's senior and all, but hey...it's all up to God.

Well, I'll write y'all later.

Kelsie Jo