So I think I may have bombed my final!    The professor clearly said that the exam was made strictly from the class slides and it's open notes/book.  Sooo, I studied my slides and brought them to class.  After losing my mind during the exam looking for the answers, I spoke to a classmate in the hall.  He said everything was in the book.  What the fuck?!    So most of my answers were GUESSES!!!  Damnit!  If I don't get an A in this class, I'm gonna have a serious talk with the professor.  Bastard.

Yesterday was also very stressful before the exam.  I haven't updated about my brother b/c it's not good.  He left the nice apartment and job deal with our friend b/c he didn't want to do that work anymore.  So he's been wandering around like a zombie with no place to stay.  He claims he's staying at a local YMCA, but my mom checked it out and he's not registered there.  So he's homeless.  And we can't afford to give him a place to stay (and like I said before, staying with us is NOT an option).  So, my mom called me at work and she was crying.  Saying that she's worrying about my brother b/c it's rainy and extremely cold outside and when he visits, he looks like he hasn't slept in a month.  So there I was, sitting in my cubicle listening to my mother cry on the phone.  I almost had a breakdown right here at work.  She apologized b/c she knew I was at work, even though she didn't need to apologize for anything.  She told me that she called my father out of desperation and he came over to try and find my brother and offer him a room in my father's new house, with his new wife.  My dad has told me in the past that my brother cannot stay with him b/c it's a risk to my dad's life.  So this pretty much surprised me.  I'm not even sure that my brother would take the offer.  The only solution that I see right now is for my brother to seek help and get on medication.  He's a threat to himself and others... but for some reason you need a court appointed psychiatrist to determine that to get him into some sort of facility.  And my brother's a wiz and "passing" those tests.  So until he actually tries to do something to himself, there's nothing to be done.  Great, huh?  This world is just too unfair.

And so my "survivor's guilt" starts creeping in.  I've only recently been introduced to this concept and it sounds about right.  So now that I've recognized it, I'm trying to move on from it.  It's difficult for me to enjoy classes and my job while my brother is so lost at this time.  It's difficult for me to enjoy the prospect of my birthday bash and Christmas.  I have to keep telling myself that I "deserve" to be happy, even if my brother isn't.    It's tough though.  How could my sister and I have "survived" so well while my brother's still living the nightmare???  It's NOT FAIR!!! (stomping feet)

Okay, so on to the "I deserve happiness" part.  I'm pretty shocked at the responses I've received to my birthday extravaganza.  People who I thought, for sure, would not want to come are considering it.  Rock on!  I underestimate how cool some people are... and I underestimate the fact that people actually enjoy my company    I hope it's fun!

Now it's time to start on that 15 page research paper... ahhhhhh!

Currently Playing Love. Angel. Music. Baby. (Deluxe) By Gwen Stefani Rich Girl see related