Oy, what a weekend. Essentially Saturday was a day with Megan F, from Heat Wave, and I spent money I didn't have. Grr. I'm eating Ramen all week to make up for it.  Sunday was Heat Wave rehearsal, which was good but the hornline (most) were really fucking chatty and it drove me buggy and our Caption Head wasnt too pleased. So, yeah. Not a terribly good thing. But the Board of Directors and Staff decided to terminate the membership of one individual, which was a long time coming so I'm a bit pleased that situation is finally dealt with.

On a completely different note, I have a crush. And, it's a good feeling. I haven't had a crush on anyone in a quite some time. I've had this crush for a while for a while but if it isn't terribly obvious my self esteem is in the shitter, so my acting on it is pretty unlikely. I might get brave, I dunno. We'll see where it goes, if anywhere.

As for anything else, I'm too tired to worry about anything else. G'nite all.

All is okay. I've decided I have either manic depressive syndrome or I'm mildly bi-polar. I will be seeking out psychiatric help as soon as school is over.

I just need mood elevators. I understand why it happens, but days like that...I can't handle them alone. So...I'll seek professional help. Whoopie!

Final crossroads:

I am really starting to belive I've wasted my life.

I left school today, and thought to myself "I'm pretty proud of what I've done. My kids have learned and grown so much. And I did that, I seriously....I did that". I wouldnt' say I was on top of the world, but I was pretty damned content.

Then I come home. A friend of mine is back in a bullshit relationship with someone who treats her like shit. And she "loves him." And I seriously....think I've wasted my life.

Because, as much as I love my job, I cant' live for my students. Im 26 and Im' single with absolutely NO prospects. None. Not one. And even if I lose weight, I'll be what...27-28? Almost 30. Who the hell is going to want someone in their 30s? I'm closer to 30 than 20. It's pathetic. No one I know is like this. No one is void of relaitonships. No one is void of someone to fulfill their lives in someway.

Why, did I bother educating myself. Why. What has it gotten me? I good job? Sure. A profession I love? Sure. But what has it done for me socially? Nothing. My social life is pathetic. I am truly pathetic. I hate that I can't think about anything other than being alone. I hate this so much.

I'm glad I'm smart. Because I have had a knife by this computer, for about 45 minutes. And I cant and wont ever pick it up to do something stupid, but everything in my damned body says just end it. Or do something stupid enough to land me in the hospital and not have to take care of myself for a while. I'm so tired of being overlooked. I'm so tired of being fat and ugly. I'm so tired of being who I am and it not mattering. I'm tired of COMPLAINING about my life. All I can do is lose weight. That's it. And I dont even want to anymore. What does it matter. I just want to be fucking content. I dont have to be rich, I dont have to be beautiful...I just want to be happy in my job and have someone to share it with. Why is this so damned difficult?

Six years of college. Six years in drum corps. Nothing. Why am I the stereotype? Why am I completely predictable and the "sad story". I just...I hate this so much I want to rip my skin off and just...A:Lsdkjfa;lksdfj.

I dont want to be me anymore.

Stolen From Sherri Winks...

The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours....

1.) I know more about nutrition and weight loss than most people, and I'm morbidly obese.

2.) I am a music teacher who often times would rather listen to crappy pop music than the real thing.

3.) It takes me at least an hour and a half of hitting the snooze button to actually get out of bed in the morning. I have broken at least 8 alarm clocks by slamming them into the wall.

4.) When I am bored I will count letters in sentences, most of the time when I am on the road with road signs. If the number comes out odd, it annoys me and I have to add a word or words to make the letters even.

5.) I hate the heat and dont like doing things outside. Yet, I'm in a drum corps and I live in Central Florida.

6.) I have gone throuh 6 years of college and 2 years of teaching middle school and have never drank coffee. (I tried cuban coffee once in grad school.)

Tag...you're it.