This is so lame. I am feeling depressed? What? Why? My guesses still circle around the fact that I have a massive lack of friends right now. Tomorrow is my 25th birthday and I'm predicting maybe one old friend will say anything to me. I'm confident my good, yet distant friends, will say some things and that's wonderful...if they do! Sometimes it's just hard accepting the fact that I have lost more friends again.

Also, I don't usually make a big deal out of my birthday, but still want that reassurance that people remember and still think of me (the good things at least). I don't know why I don't make my b-day out to be something big. I suppose I would just think that no one would be able to attend or something, so from feeling let down, I don't do anything, but then I just feel like I let myself down.

One more thing before I go... I've let an old habit wiggle its way back into my life. It's a slow, small habit for now, but what's going to happen if I can't make it stop again? What is it going to progress into this time? Why is it taunting me again? And why do I want to do it so badly? Grr! I hate this. Why do I have to feel this way today and tomorrow? I only turn this age once!!

There's more. I just wanted to finish watching The Hills. I have had so many friends, and I have lost so many friends. I have no one here in St. Louis. Of course, Dan , but we need friends too. I don't want to wear down our relationship. We have such a great one . But I miss old friends too...from high school, swimming, college, recent days, sorority (some girls at least). I know it's so important for a girl to have girlfriends. My two closest ones are physically distant. I don't keep in touch with any of my most recent group of friends because my ex is in that group. They probably all hate me, especially my ex. I always knew that if we broke up, he would win them over. It's not a game by any means, but I knew they would stick with him rather than me. I guess I just suck? And with old friends that I reunite with on Facebook... everyone can read other people's messages on walls. It's not a stalker-ish thing to me unless if you're being harrassed. But anyway, it hurts to see that an old friend pretends to be excited about meeting up or reuniting with you, but with everyone else that they befriend, who were my friends too, they sound super excited. I guess I'm just mediocre.

I've been more healthy since high school. I have more self confidence and my old "habits" have calmed down significantly. My crying spells have become infrequent and my self esteem has grown for the better. I know those were reasons why my friends shunned me at times, amoung others as well. Sometimes I feel like if I had more money, people would want to be around me more. See, now I can feel my self esteem dropping as I type this. I am doing much better, but with the lack of friends I have, it does lower your esteem. I like friends.

One other thing that bothers me...is when you make a comment, a "hello" rather, to someone on facebook, and they don't respond. You may compliment them and receive not even a mutter of a "thanks" back. But you can't help but notice that they return a reply to another compliment received. Nothing new ever happens on there anymore for me. No one drops by to say hi or anything. It's sad. I miss my old friends. Even if I try...it doesn't work. There must be something terribly wrong with me, right???? I honestly don't think so. I miss my girls from high school and the birthday parties we would all go to and the dances and random dinner nights. I miss the college tailgates at Mizzou and drinking all day long and all night long. I hate this lonely feeling...

New beginnings

Well, I am starting a new job the Tuesday after Labor Day! Hooray for new experiences, new career, new people, new everything including benefits and pay raisies! I'm gonna stash away as much money as possible and move out within 6 months of starting the job. Yeah, I'll be moving into some small, crappy apartment, but that's not the point. I will be more independent. I'm ready to get out!

I just got back from my trip to Nebraska with Dan. Great times! First time meeting his family and I love them! Things are going great in that department

What else is new in my life? I feel good these days and I'm lovin it! I have lots coming up in the next three months, so I'm getting excited! My aunt and uncle are coming third week of September, Dan's parents are coming down in Sept., a possible chance I might be able to make a trip out to Springfield, my birthday, a big family reunion in October on my dad's side, a Nebraska football game, hockey season, etc.

Anyway, that's an update.