Friday's are quickly becoming my least favorite day.  I'm at my lowest point emotionally, and to top it all off I have to work from 9:45 a.m. until 7, ferreting countless kids through my not-so-amazing classes and trying to regain some sanity during my many breaks.  The kids I remember the most are the ones who call me mommy and cry over the weirdest things, or that kid who came up from under the water and spat in my face because the water tasted yucky and I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.  Let's not forget the kids with mild cases of autism, or the kids who can suddenly hit my invisibility button so that I disappear, even though I'm in their face saying "HELLOOOOOO, can you hear me?" 

I've been pinched, kicked, yanked, butt-slapped, boob-slapped, had my hair pulled, and yucky water spat in my face.  It's a good time, with interesting challenges presenting themselves daily.  I'm usually left feeling inadequate, and I think a lot about how I'm coming across to the kids, if I'm being an effective teacher.  And then there comes the days when I work with a kid one on one, and I teach them how to blow nose bubbles and somehow transform them from kids who were afraid of the water into kids I can't keep out of the water.  Those days are amazing.  Suddenly I'm a super-teacher!  It's kind of ridiculous, really. 

There have been some hassles with the job, of course.  Nothing is ever perfect.  I actually came to the conclusion a few days ago that I probably shouldn't have taken the job.  I probably should have stayed at the bank (there are one or two perks that I miss).  This swimming instructor job has been a blessing in disguise, though.  It's actually helped to facilitate my journey into the real world.  Becoming an adult is scary, and I'm not really sure what to do with myself.  I've spent my entire life moving towards this point, and now that it's here I'm trying to hold on to my under-grad life.  Losing those perks kicked me in the arse something awful, and now I'm starting to see that this bad decision perhaps wasn't so bad after all.  Because it's not where I want to be long-term I'm more motivated to find a place for myself that fits. 

What's next?  A real job, with real benefits, possibly weekends off...chances to travel, to dance more.  Maybe a tattoo?  An opportunity to pour myself into other things that matter, develop new relationships and new passions, and perhaps build on old ones. 

On a more personal level, I've been singing "One is the loneliest number..." courtesy of a random event at Buca di Beppo's.  It's one of my more morose moments, I suppose.  I think perhaps one of the hardest things for me, after a break-up, is finding myself again and being comfortable in that.  Going from being "in a relationship" to not being in one is always harder than I think it will be (unless, of course, I'm the one who did the breaking up.  Then I suppose it comes as a relief to be single again).  I don't even know how to describe the process.  I think I'm trying to fill the need for relationship in another way, but I'm not sure exactly how.  I spend time with friends, I go out somewhere every day, but the hardest part of the day is when I come home and I'm me, myself, and the world has slowed down and there's nothing to keep me from my thoughts.  I wonder, sometimes, how people seem so content to go home at the end of the night and sleep.  I used to love the silence, but now I seem to prefer the clanging noise.  I guess I have to ask myself an important question then:   Is the relationship that has been damaged the most the one I have with myself?  Because at the end of the day, I'm left with me...and sometimes that's not enough. 

I can tell you this, though.  I am seeking to find contentment and peace every day.  I'm trying to take each moment and enjoy it for what it is, even if it's the crappiest moment of the year.  I may still wish for things to be different, but I seek to accept the here and now (this is what makes me the hopeless romantic that I am, and enables me to self-administer doses of reality successfully) and make the best of it that I can. 

Hopefully that means that at some point soon in the future, when the sounds of a busy day have faded to silence and I'm only left with me, that it will be enough. 

For the past few weeks I have been trying to distract myself by being constantly on the move.  Constantly working, constantly going out every night (and I'm not kidding about that, I think I've gotten in a good years worth of nights out in about two weeks).  Constantly keeping busy, because if I stay busy, then I'm not alone with myself, I'm not thinking about or looking directly at the mess that is my current life.

It's like having the mindset that if I'm not there to see how messy my bedroom is, I'll never have to clean it.

I've become fairly adept at pushing things to the side.  I'm even getting really good at not feeling anything emotionally.  Ok, that's not true, exactly.  I can push away the emotion, but it comes out physically.  I start to feel sick, or tired, or cold, or shaky...but emotionally, nothing.  But in the morning...

I hit consciousness, and the very first thing that comes to mind is the mess.  I'll think "Oh crap, this happened and I have to deal with it..."

Needless to say, I'm currently trying to deal with a lot of things.  I'm missing friends who fell off the face of the planet.  I'm sad because a good friend is leaving today, and it makes me feel a little lost.  I'm grieving for the month of May.  I'm full of a lot of hurt and anger, and I'm breaking my fast with tears.

I know I will not feel like this forever.  And I know that I am strong enough to take whatever comes my way.  I'll get to work on this mess at some point, and my world will once again fall into place. 

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are...


take me back to the start.