This is what, day three? Day four of the New Attitude? Meh.
I guess I should have realized that my "I want it now" mentality would translate over. Of course, late nights and being a girl and stress all take their toll, so I suppose it's okay for me to be frustrated and feel a little down (damn that infernal melancholic streak of mine!).
I've written that I have decided to be me. Take me or leave me, but I'm here to stay. There was a hope about it, a belief that maybe this would work. Well, it's day three or four, and not a whole lot has changed, but then again, a lot has.
It's been relatively easy to keep this attitude going (except, as mentioned before, at night). I tried explaining this to a friend tonight. It was as if there was a puzzle, or I was the puzzle, but there was this missing piece. Try as I might, I could never find anything that worked. I tried being like _______, or tried to make myself more _______ and when that failed I determined that if I just lost weight and became a physical goddess than ________ could not withstand me and THAT would make me complete. And nothing worked. That realization was a sudden one. But it felt gradual. It was like I looked away for a second and when I turned back saw that someone had put down that missing puzzle piece. It fit, and the edges were blended in and it was a smooth transition into...me.
And all of a sudden, I'm treating people differently. I'm being more open, more outgoing, and I've already made new friends and have had conversations with people I never would have been able to before, because I accepted myself and stopped worrying so much about things.
The only setback is that life circumstances neglected to change with me. So I still have to face all of those same things, and I still feel some of the same reactions. I still have to go everywhere and see people get together and be happy, and I still walk alone. I feel better about myself, feel that I'm an attractive woman with many great qualities, and yet I still feel as though I'm invisible. I have to fight that thought that there must be something wrong with me still, I must be too broken (or, *gasps!* I'm really NOT attractive and cool and I have an incredibly distorted view of myself!). I have to fight each moment of jealousy, of rejection, and accept the moment for what it is. Accept how I feel for what it is. Accept who I am, for what I am (and what I'm not) and try to push away everything else. To be okay even if he'd rather be with her. To try to be happy for those people who end up with my dreams. To refuse to let my identity rest in those little hurts and rejections, but be what it is....and to hope. To keep hoping that all is not lost. To keep trying, even when it's hard. To really be stubborn and refuse to go back to what I was and how things were, and to push forward, push outward, push...
Tonight I danced better than I have in a long time. Maybe ever. Tonight I felt beautiful dancing, graceful, sexy even. But it was one of those situations that didn't change with me. In fact, it rather changed without me. I felt a little bit of hope slip. I felt sad that it's still not my turn, and a little afraid that it never will be. And trying to be present in the moment, I let myself feel that way. I let myself cry, too, on the way home.
It's ok. It's enough right now to be. My attitude is still here, and by God's grace and mercy, I hope it remains forever.
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