Friday's are quickly becoming my least favorite day. I'm at my lowest point emotionally, and to top it all off I have to work from 9:45 a.m. until 7, ferreting countless kids through my not-so-amazing classes and trying to regain some sanity during my many breaks. The kids I remember the most are the ones who call me mommy and cry over the weirdest things, or that kid who came up from under the water and spat in my face because the water tasted yucky and I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. Let's not forget the kids with mild cases of autism, or the kids who can suddenly hit my invisibility button so that I disappear, even though I'm in their face saying "HELLOOOOOO, can you hear me?"
I've been pinched, kicked, yanked, butt-slapped, boob-slapped, had my hair pulled, and yucky water spat in my face. It's a good time, with interesting challenges presenting themselves daily. I'm usually left feeling inadequate, and I think a lot about how I'm coming across to the kids, if I'm being an effective teacher. And then there comes the days when I work with a kid one on one, and I teach them how to blow nose bubbles and somehow transform them from kids who were afraid of the water into kids I can't keep out of the water. Those days are amazing. Suddenly I'm a super-teacher! It's kind of ridiculous, really.
There have been some hassles with the job, of course. Nothing is ever perfect. I actually came to the conclusion a few days ago that I probably shouldn't have taken the job. I probably should have stayed at the bank (there are one or two perks that I miss). This swimming instructor job has been a blessing in disguise, though. It's actually helped to facilitate my journey into the real world. Becoming an adult is scary, and I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I've spent my entire life moving towards this point, and now that it's here I'm trying to hold on to my under-grad life. Losing those perks kicked me in the arse something awful, and now I'm starting to see that this bad decision perhaps wasn't so bad after all. Because it's not where I want to be long-term I'm more motivated to find a place for myself that fits.
What's next? A real job, with real benefits, possibly weekends off...chances to travel, to dance more. Maybe a tattoo? An opportunity to pour myself into other things that matter, develop new relationships and new passions, and perhaps build on old ones.
On a more personal level, I've been singing "One is the loneliest number..." courtesy of a random event at Buca di Beppo's. It's one of my more morose moments, I suppose. I think perhaps one of the hardest things for me, after a break-up, is finding myself again and being comfortable in that. Going from being "in a relationship" to not being in one is always harder than I think it will be (unless, of course, I'm the one who did the breaking up. Then I suppose it comes as a relief to be single again). I don't even know how to describe the process. I think I'm trying to fill the need for relationship in another way, but I'm not sure exactly how. I spend time with friends, I go out somewhere every day, but the hardest part of the day is when I come home and I'm me, myself, and the world has slowed down and there's nothing to keep me from my thoughts. I wonder, sometimes, how people seem so content to go home at the end of the night and sleep. I used to love the silence, but now I seem to prefer the clanging noise. I guess I have to ask myself an important question then: Is the relationship that has been damaged the most the one I have with myself? Because at the end of the day, I'm left with me...and sometimes that's not enough.
I can tell you this, though. I am seeking to find contentment and peace every day. I'm trying to take each moment and enjoy it for what it is, even if it's the crappiest moment of the year. I may still wish for things to be different, but I seek to accept the here and now (this is what makes me the hopeless romantic that I am, and enables me to self-administer doses of reality successfully) and make the best of it that I can.
Hopefully that means that at some point soon in the future, when the sounds of a busy day have faded to silence and I'm only left with me, that it will be enough.
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