Tomorrow I begin my internship. The internship I got through an unpredictably perfect storm of fight and luck and chance and whim, that seems to have chosen me more than I, it. I am so ready to go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow, and get dressed, and drive to work, and get started. Every moment of the going to bed and waking up and getting ready and driving in and getting started, I want. The reading and the alarm and the oatmeal and the trees and the itinerary and the handshakes and the meetings: I want it all. Bring it. Bring it. Bring. Bring. Bring.
I found a way to be content with the side projects and research that have felt like tarnish up to this point.
After my first day tomorrow, I'm going out to dinner with the training director. After dinner, I'm going to call Josh, and tell him about my first day. I already know this. And I am already looking forward to hearing his voice.
It was this past week that I realized that my heart is with Josh now. And with seeing where things go between us. I saw that fact in action before I could label it in thought. But there have been signs.
The third time we got together I sat on his couch and watched a baseball game and a movie and drank a beer. And as I sat beside him, I realized: this is what I want. This, right here. And it wasn't sitting on a couch and it wasn't watching the television and it wasn't drinking a beer.
A few weeks ago we went to a movie. He picked me up. We talked in the car. We talked during the movie. We talked on the ride home. And he kissed me goodnight with a tilt of his head and this kiss that he does. The best kiss.
Before having left for the movie that night I believed myself to be in some kind of Eagle's song about a Peaceful Easy Feeling. I knew he wouldn't let me down because I was already standing on the ground. How perfect that I could move away without fear of being let down. Afterall, I was on the ground: brilliant!
But that night I came inside after his goodnight kiss. And I turned on the light in my apartment. And I kicked off my shoes. And I sat down. And I knew I wasn't in that damn song anymore. I knew I wasn't standing on the ground. I could see the ground, but I couldn't bring myself back down to it. At least not for a few hours or until the morning. I'd have to wait. It's not that I don't like to float or fly.
But it wasn't until this week that I saw my heart was up, up, and away. Off to see where things might go with him. Apparently grown tired of the whole grounding charade, and unwilling to participate in any of that nonsense anymore. Good for my heart! Lil daredevil trooper that it is.
Sometimes it's hard to let go & give up the ground. And I don't know if he knows that it's hard for me, but I think he does. And I don't know if he knows how much I like him and that my heart is with him now, but I hope that he does.
Comments (2)
I hope you don't mind a stranger commenting, I just came across your site. My daughter tested positive for HD gene when she was 18 (she's 20 now and studying at Case). She is VERY happy that she tested despite the results. My husband was diagnosed (symptomatic) about 10 years ago, but our family remains very postive and strong. Enjoy every day and stay strong. My best to you.
I have just seen that you subscribed to my xanga.
You should keep writing, it helps. I hope everything is going okay.