Monday, April 21, 2008

• Why Look For "Mr./Ms. Right" If You Ain't Mr./Ms. Right?

   

  I'm currently reading this book called "The Secret Things of God." It's the Christian equivalent to Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret." I've read "The Secret," and it has a chapter on Love.  It basically says that you can draw a relationship to you if you think positive thoughts about having a man or woman in your life. However, it did not address your heart condition and its effect on your relationship(s).

   

  Why look for Mr. Right or Ms. Right, if you ain't a Mr. Right or Ms. Right yourself? Truly think about it.

   

  Rationally speaking, if your heart condition contains possessiveness, jealousy, anger, abusiveness, commitment phobia, and problems with intimacy, what does it matter if you found Mr. Right? It would be the same as if your future partner were looking for a Mr. Wrong if they were Ms. Right. Therefore, it doesn't matter if you're waiting or searching for your "The One" if you have problems with ANY and EVERY relationship you're in because your heart has too many issues.

   

  I had a good boyfriend when I was in college. He wasn't very spiritual, but he knew Jesus and God. I eventually crossed him off my list of Marriage Material because he wasn't as super spiritual as I THOUGHT I was. He was emotionally healthy (the most important aspect next to a relationship with God), he was able to be emotionally intimate, he was not abusive, he was not controlling, and he was very loving. But little did I know that even though I was more "spiritual" I had much emotional baggage that was keeping me from loving him as I should. I was very jealous, possessive, demanding, perfectionist, and difficult. I just kept saying to myself, "When I meet The One, I won't have to go through all this mess with trying to change him to go to church more and read the Bible more. My The One will already be perfect." So of course, I waited for the Perfect One who never and will never come. Now I've "settled" on waiting for a emotionally and spiritually healthy one.

   

  I love this quote I picked up by Sidney Poitier. It says, "We suffer from the preoccupation that there exists in the loved one perfection." I used to think that the people I loved were perfect. When they erred, I was so devastated because I thought they could do no wrong. But now I realize that no one is perfect on this earth. True enough, God is perfecting us on earth and in heaven we will be perfect, but right now, we are very imperfect. Not just us, but so are our loved ones. Don't get rid of people because they aren't perfect and do not do whatever you tell them to do when you tell them to do it. Needless to stay, my very love capable ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend who is emotionally healthy (I think). They will be happy together for the time being or until death do them part not because they are both necessarily "The Ones" for each other, but more because they are able to love freely because of their lack of emotional baggage.

   

  For people who "know" that when they meet their The One things will be all pie in the sky-like, answer me this. If you are severely bipolar and you’re The One is severely bipolar, will you two be happily in bliss? My answer is no. You will still have many relationship issues because people who are manic-depressive tend to be miserable alone, so it matters not if they are with another person. They are just miserable at times because of the chemical imbalance in their brain. If two serial killers were each others' The One, it would matter not because the two of them have issues when it comes to respecting other people's lives and emotions. If they will kill several people for fun, do you think they will easily love another because they are soulmates? So more important than meeting The One is BEING The One.

   

  Imagine that you are Ms. Right or Mr. Right. Some dude or chick approaches you saying, "Guess what? We need to get married. You are Mr. Right. I got two round-trip plane tickets to Las Vegas where we can get hitched. Never mind that I'm abusive, paranoid, and have a fear of intimacy. All that matters is that you are Mr. Right." You'd be like, "Are you kidding me? If I'm Mr. Right, I want a Ms. Right! I've worked too hard on my character and my communication skills to waste them on some psycho!" So there. The Mr. and Ms. Rights of the world want Mr. and Ms. Rights too. They won't want Mr. and Ms. Wrongs. I feel as if I am a Ms. Right. I was at one time, Ms. Way Wrong. But God has taken out my heart of stone and has put in a heart of flesh. I have read many books and taken classes in college on communication, relationships, and people that have taught me that the way I dealt with people was way wrong. God showed me how to treat and love people. So now I am emotionally able to love, commit, and be intimate with others. I'm not just talking about for a husband. I was unable to have healthy relationships with myself, friends, and family members because of my emotional instability and poor communcation skills. Your relationships will only be as healthy as you are. I'm sure prostitutes and rapists don't have positive, healthy relationships with themselves -- let alone others.

   

  Even if God gives you the best option of partners, you can unintentionally sabotage all of them if your heart is emotionally unhealthy. I could have had so many great friendships, but I let them slip by because of my issues. There are many men that I can be happily ever after with. I don’t have to have a The One. I do believe that some people do have soulmates though because their love stories are so perfect. Their soulmate had all the same, sometimes lame interests. They met in such strange ways that it had to have been God that set it up for them to meet. But many people can be happy with many other people. And at the same time, many people can be happy with NO ONE. People like Saddam Hussein can be happy with no one because he was evil. But people like Jesus can be happy with anyone because He is so loving and understanding. After all, how important is a soul mate if the world is going to end in however many years? Just be happy with an emotionally healthy and spiritually sound person until then. Of course, you want somebody who is compatible with you  though, but that's a whole 'nother note for another day.

   

  The Bible says do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. It may be referring to just marriages or referring to marriages, friendships, and business partners. When it comes to marriage, it did not say anything about compatibility and whatnot, but it talked about being equally yoked. By that it means you should not engage deeply into relationships with people who do not believe in God and Jesus. Yoking with someone is bonding or tying yourself with someone. The Bible does not have much criteria for picking a marriage partner. In Proverbs, it talks about how bad it is living with a contentious, nagging wife. It talks about the dream wife in Proverbs 31 also. But it did not say that you have to find your soulmate. If you're man, it suggests that you should look for a wife who does not nag,  is virtuous, can cook, can clean, can care for children, and do well by you. The Bible says whoever finds himself a wife findeth a good thing. Don't look or waste time waiting for Ms. Perfect to come strolling by because she'll never come, but do find a wife like the ones described in Proverbs and Song of Solomon, and you will have found yourself a good thing!

   

  Women, the Bible won't tell us much about how to find a man because we should probably be WAITING. If you have three good choices offering you an engagement ring, then choose the one that is most compatible with you and makes you happiest. But of course, God knows best and He knows the unknown, so if you pray to Him, He'll let you know which man will result in the happiest, most successful marriage. My family and I love the movie "Gone With The Wind." I thought Scarlett O'Hara was so lucky that she had so many suitors willing to marry her. She could have had any one of the suitors she wanted, and she did choose more than one. They were probably all great finds, but because of her coveting of Ashley Wilkes, she couldn’t possibly have been happy with either of the three of her ex-husbands. She looked great on the outside and she was very charming, but her heart was not right, so she was unhappy with her husbands.  If the first two were fully aware of how her heart really belonged to Ashley, they would have been unhappy too.

   

  So basically, I wrote and shared this note because it really blessed me to hear that I can be happy with a number of men. Sure I'd be happier with some more than others, but I'd still be happy because I'm just a very happy person. But just because I'm a very optimistic and joyful person doesn't mean that I'd waste my time and energy on an unhappy, abusive, and angry man. ( Remember to never rescue an angry man because you'll have to rescue him again tomorrow.) Find a man or woman who has a personal relationship with God. Then when you have those options listed, choose the men or women who have very little emotional baggage that will inevitably damage the longevity and health of the relationship. Then when you have that list of people, pick the ones that you are most compatible with. Then when you have that list, pick the ones you're happiest with. And if you haven't found him or her yet, ask God to choose for ya!

   

  And remember in all your ways you should acknowledge Him and let Him direct your paths. So throughout the whole "elimination process" acknowledge and listen to God, and He'll let you know whether or not your suitors are even good options. However, you may be one of the few people who have a soul mate, so in that case, you can just wait until he or she appears. But until then, YOU BE THE ONE or make sure you're working on being The One.

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