wow it's been mad long & i just let this xanga die for like 2 yrs... lovely isn't it? how much i've changed is so hard 2 discribe. i look on the last entry remembering how much emotion i had abt that dream, only to think now that kevin wasn't even worth it. at some point i used 2 thank god for him, but meanwhile i was a fool. i'm not gonna lie tho, i'm glad he came into my life. he taught me a lot about it in a time where i had yet 2 experience it. soo... i guess it balanced out, especially since when i didn't need him anymore, he wasn't a part of my life anymore. now he's found his way & hopefully his true wifey, cus it's abt damn time they had gotten 2gether. & as for me i've moved on. gotten 2 kno myself better, but gotten more confused as to what i want 2 do wit my life. at times i just wanna have a 9-5 job & just make it easy on myself. something that once i'm done wit it i can just chill. but on the other hand, i wanna save the world, fight for human rights all over & just make this world a better place... after thinkin of all the work that takes,  i prefer the 9-5. unfortunately i want the world that my lil neice grows up in to be a place where she won't b discriminated against b/c she's a minority, a mix of two races, a female or anything else. (by the way for those who may still read this after 2 yrs, my sis had a baby girl, my oldest bro is gettin married, and my other oder bro is workin after HS). imma b a bridesmaid, which reminds me, i gotta pick up that dress.

yea that's my lil "catch up" from 2 yrs ago, & although i can write for a long ass time, i think i need 2 step back.

Shirles

first and foremost, it's ok weixin, it doesn't matter if u left a comment or not, i know you would've, i cud tell, u left props.

ok, i just had a VERY long convo with my bro. which tends to happen & i like having these long chats with him cause they usually mean that i'm being enlightened by his smartness. don't let test scores, or grades tell you how smart you are, only you can determine that. i say this cus he gets lazy from time to time about school stuff, but that doesn't mean he isn't intelligent. he's very much so.

i think everytime i have a convo with him, i get more enlightened and it's what i need. he's like a church brought to my phone, lol. any questions i may have about certain situations or religion, he manages to answer, or at least try. when he tries he almost always succeeds. some things that i was enlightened about today (well it's a lot so just bare with me if i jump from place to place) gotta understand that 2 greatest things god wants u to kno is that, I) he IS god, the only and only, he's done a lot for you, because he loves you like a father, and expects you to love him like a father. II) he wants you to love other ppl, cus if u follow his ways you should love other ppl.

aside from that i finally had a chance to ask SOMEBODY religous about the bible. CAN I TRUST WHAT IT SAYS??? is something that plagued me for a good while last yr. for a while i choose, NO. how can i trust something that's been recopied & rewritten so much? ppl gotta change it over time and it prolli doesn't even say what it's supossed to anymore. not only that but even if it hasn't been changed, how can i trust those who wrote it originally? well, i was informed that the people who were chosen to write the bible were holy people, that are religious & wouldn't dirty or switch those sacred words around. people like issac, abraham, and others. when it was made and reproduced back in the old days, they would have hundreds of men looking over the scribes (people who knew how to read and write) who wrote it. if it was changed that burned that bible and made the scribe start all over again. lemme tell you that's some serious chit, if you handwritting the bible to have to start all over again. so fine, know i will trust that the content of the bible is safe.

something i had issues with, someone told me that women are supossed to be submissive to their husbands. LOL, me being the feminist that i am, cannot allow this one. so i asked my brother (pastor in training) about it. this is what he told me, a woman is supossed to marry a good husband, who believes in god and follows the lord's ways. if this man follows the lords ways, then he should never hurt his wife, cheat on his wife, rape, or kill, abuse or anything like that. he should be righteous and love his wife COMPLETELY. with all that said and done, a person who follows god and loves, should be someone that you can be submissive to. in the end what does fighting do for you anyway?

so here's my conclusion. LADIES choose your husband wisely, stand by your man as he will stand by you. he WILL stand by you, if you've made the right choice, you only get one shot at the holy sacrement of marriage make it count. sure you COULD divorce him, if you made a mistake, but in god's eyes you've just dirtied something that was supossed to be a beautiful, loving union between 2 people who want to give themselves to one person, and one person only for the rest of your lives. for once, i will kinda agree with this ideology of a woman submissing to her husband, ONLY because if he's the right one, there should be no shame in it. he'd never lead you wrong, never want anything bad for you, and will only love and cherish you. under these circumstances i would agree. but i'd be damned if i had to bow down and not disagree with a man who's cheating on me, beats me, hurts me, doesn't cherish me. why should i? this guy isn't for me, he's garbage, or just hasn't developed into what he's supossed to be yet. yes the feminist has conditions, only good men are ok, lol.

and the thing that's left me thinking probably the most (gotta remind myself to come back to trials and temptations on another entry, or on this one, i dunno) is what he told me about our mom. i hold resentment, i know this, at times i feel bad cus i may even hold hatred, i know this too. he told me that i may hold hatred, but that i need to let it go, cus our time here on earth isn't all that long. when you think about it, it REALLY isn't. which triggered my memory of reading peter's xanga. a friend of his from jhs drowned. sad, but it happens, just like that. somebody that was a year younger than me, and i'm only 16. think about all the things that poor boy didn't get to do. but god knows why he took him when he did. if that boy didn't have god in his life, he prolli did DIE, completely i mean, mind, body , and soul. if he had god, then great, now he's living it up in heaven with a world of happiness that nobody that's living right now, has ever known. complete with a new body that will never feel pain, physically, or emotionally. if that's the case, then (no offense) but good for him. he's better off than feeling the pains of everyday life.

but back to what he brought up. even tho i only have 11 months left til i leave, my mom may not have very long after that. or who knows... even b4 that, i hope not. she doesn't have god in her life, & if anybody needs it, we both know it's her. so i now i need to make it my mission somehow to reach out to her about god. if anyone's possible at doing it, its me. i'm always home with her, my oldest bro lives here, but doesn't stay for long, basically just to sleep. my other brother, she tries not to listen to b/c he changed religion, even tho she won't even take the time to listen to that he beleives to see if it's wrong in her eyes. finally my sis, who i doubt very highly will get into a convo with my mom about her beliefs. i'm always here, she can't really run away from me , I KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES!!!! lol so i think i'm the most adequet person for the job out of the sibs, but damn. if it took 8months to tell her i have a boyfriend, ... damn i need to get to work. lol. 11 months is my deadline this time. at least in order to make some improvements. i'll figure it out.

keep in mind, devil makes doubts about god. and here's a test, seems to happen whenever me & my bro talk for long periods of time about religion and i'm becoming smarter about it, cus i'm gaining knowledge. the first time we had a long talk like that, his phone died about 3 times. and then i kept gettin other calls. my bro was like you see? that's the devil tryna keep this knowledge from getting to u. & now while i was talking to him, my bro called twice, which he doesn't really do this late at night, to ask abt his tv. he cudda called at ANY time during the day (now that i think about it) but he called twice interupting the convo me & my other bro were abt religion. then my mom keeps telling me to ask him stuff, and tells me that she has a man, lol, when i told him that he told me the same thing abt the devil tryna stop you from gettin info. which i found very tru, cus my mom never says that jokingly out of the blue. where the hell did that come from ??? hmmm... i wonder.

well i'm getting tired. o yea what i did today, i walked basically all up and down the ave today tryna find some blue & white sneakers. ... the styles were hideous, the options limited, and the sizes out. but i was determined damnit! lol. so i rembered that sometimes my size is on display (thank god for that) so i checked all the displays @ VIM and i found one style that i liked (i liked a couple) that was in my size. then they had me waiting there 4ever, cus they couldn't find the box for it... sigh, i was abt to just 4get it bad customer service tsk tsk. but nah they never found it. i got them. one thing i don't like about buying shoes that were on display, is that a whole buncha ppl touch them, so if only one was up, then that one will be a LIL bit dirtier than the other one. at least they were both up so they both look like a used them once, just w/out any creases , but i dunno i cud just TELL. so ok, that was my day, OOOO i went shopping ALONE!!!!!! lol, no body guard mom around me. hmm... i wonder if i can move it on up to just plain going out. ehh even if i don't w/e only 11 months left

bi bis

~*~Shirles~*~

me & my baby @ 6 flags. i love that boy <3

1st of all, shan i'm still mad that u came here numerous times, and couldn't leave a comment , but i do thank you for signing the guestbook . lol, yes i'm just that crazy. ^_-

i've just had like a light ulb go off while i was inevitably listening to my mother ramble on & on about my family. yes this is going to be one of those long entries cus i just actually had the urge to write about it. my sis moved out of our house i think when she was still a teen. she left to my grandma's house. she lived there and was fine for a while. then my uncle's had a panic attack or something, and just had to kick her out. why? call it ass-ish ness i dunno. she didn't distrub anybody, she paid rent, & helped around the house. so when they were comign all down on her liek animals, my sis called my bro to help her out, for defense or whatever, just in case. i dunno @ that point i was really scared for my family, mostly my brother. even though he can protect himself, with no prob, he had a broken hand. and it was 2 against one. but here's the part that gets me thinking...

just a few hrs ago my sis came to pick up some stuff cus she's moving into her new apartment. when she did i didn't find it strange for her to even ask about my brother cus they got into an arguement and they've never been the same ever since. so fine. but once i heard my mom talking about my bro going to go over there to defend her, it just hit me how people can change so much.

nothing's guaranteed. one day you may hate somebody & they can save your booty so you'll be grateful & see them in a new light. or you could love somebody dearly, on top of being extremely close to them & loose all of that in a matter of mins.

things aren't guarnteed, don't rely on people so much, no matter who they are. if you don't beleive me, think about certain friends that you don't have anymore. you prolli thought ya'll would be tight for YEARS. did it turn out that way? this leads me to 2 things, ONE-don't think people are always going to be there for you. TWO-in the end the only person you can really depend on is yourself.

this might be why i'm so opposed to living with my baby 4 college, just in case if it would make expenses better. the way he sees it, if i do happen to go to a school near his place, why not live there instead of paying about 10,000 for room & board. fine. but here's the thing. he would really just want me to live with him. which i don't see as a bad thing, cus i wouldn't mind seeing the person i love everyday, shoot i did it this summer didn't i? but i refuse to impose like that. you never know what could happen. who's to say that everything will be all well & peachy? who's to say that i won't act like an OVERwelcomed guess steppin on everybodys' toes or getting in their way making them feel uncomfortable in their own home? then again, they kinda like me now, so why would i risk them not liking me, cus they can't stand living with me? i don't care who you are, u could live with your best friend, & i think that problems would still come up, & it could damage the friendship. there's just something about how people live that can make you get pissed, or annoyed. it's best not to live with them & find out the hard way.

but regardless of all that. there's also the other part of what if he & me break up? GASP! then where would i go? i can't stay there. that's horrible. living with my ex & his fam? & what about even if we wanna be friends & decide it's ok 4 me to stay there, what about when he or i start dating again? can u say akward? not only for us, but for the person who's currently being dated.

i can't count on anybody in the future. life takes to many different turns to try and rely on ppl like that. but since it takes some away they also replace it . so you may be counting on someone, but then something happens where they won't be there anymore, it doesn't matter cus you'll get somebody else anyway. plus, if it happened, it's for a reason.

Honestly, i think i may be starting to see why God kept me in my prison cell.i think i'm destined either for a greater happiness or just something else. that i needed this in order to do good in school, or something like that. the lord does work in mysterious ways. who knows that if i wudda had freedom i wudda been knocked up. or worse. therefore i'll take this knowin that god has something else in mind for me. or at least wants me to go thru this.

bi bis

~*~Shirles~*~

UPDATE! UPDATE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

Well, I'm baaack. Where was i you may be asking? I was @ Syracuse University. Nice college, but i hope i don't stay there in the winter, i'd freeze :-[. But a beautiful place for the summer, cus it's not humid, and it's coller than the city. I met lots of interesting people, and ... best of all... i saw MY BABY!!!!! YAY!!!! lol, now we really felt married since we were there 4 almost the whole summer, and we lived in the same place, day in day out. I got pics & i'll prolli put them up, but whenever i put pics up they come out with the little box either way it doesn't matter, i had fun. Shout outs to my SU ppl, that made it the ish:. ... Nicole(Nickle, Dime), Steve(Poohbear), Athony(Frodo), Lanea(Herbie), Jessica(Jessica Lang), Vinnie, Anthony(musical), Ashley, Janelle, Desiree, Naime, Naheema, Amanda(Sleepyhead, that's my roommate!), Tara, Titi, Cyres, Kiki, and Tiff.

It was a blast. & i got 6 credits 4 it, OOO YEA! ironically enough ppl thought that law would be the toughest class, but there was actually tougher.

Now i'm just worried abt tring not to have a nervous breakdown this yr. It's liek i got myself into so mayb things cus i figured i would have time but oy vey, how much time did i actually think i had?!? I'm the president of the carribean club, imma take a course @ qwns college, a member of the yrbk committee, i signed up for an ap class (i hope i don't get it), and imma b applyign to colleges & what not, not to mention REGULAR school work. O yea, i'mma break. ehh mayb not, my baby's taught me how to not stress so much. i gotta stop thinking & anticipating abt things so much & just do them. Which TRUST me i'm geting better at.

OOO Let me tell u how my anniversary went, it was on July 10th, it was my 1st yr anniversary . We went to go eat at this 50's type diner, and it was real cute, & then we saw Spiderman II, cus it had almost just come out. After that we went looking for a gift for him. We found this really cute watch & i gave it to him. He had already given me my present b4 we left. He gave me a dolphin pendent. It's sooo cute cus it's two, and the way that theyre place makes it into a heart. One is white gold, the other is regular yellow. Which makes it even better cus he likes the white gold tone, and i like the yellow . it's us! lol

I missed him so much the day after we left, and it kinda all felt like a dream when i woke up. But i knew that it wasn't, and now that i have my dolphins, i don't ever wanan take them off, cus they're my lil link to him. now it's like he's always with me. & he says he alwys has time for me (lol, since i gave him the watch).