Oh my how long it's been since I've had a meaningful xanga update.  Really, the only reason I'm writing in here is because I came across something today that I felt I needed to write about.

So ever since middle school, I've kept every single note anyone's ever written to me.  And now I realize how completely blind and stupid I once was.  How evil people were and I now am questioning my relationships with a certain few people.  I found love notes, hate notes, and friendly notes with the occasional picture or online conversation with someone.  Some of who either I would never talk to again or they would never talk to me again.

I found notes from when Cassie Fourlas and I were like best friends and then Kelsey Miller and Molly Kordes.  I found the Ransom/Hate note from Liz about how evil me and my little group was.  I found notes from Shauna Yates about how we were meant to be friends and we were there for eachother and we loved eachother.  I also found love notes from Dan Fatkin, Dylan Smith, and Jonathon Koch.  Oh, and a printed online conversation between Lee Rank and I about how much he liked me.

Looking back now I feel like a complete idiot.  My relationships with those people were never what I thought they were. They were based on lies and ONLY lies.  Cassie, Kelsey, Molly, and Shauna would never give me 2 seconds of their time.  Dylan and Pepsi probably don't even remember any of it and as for Lee...He would not ever want to associate with me.  But I remember how no one liked him because he sucked so bad at football that he was demoted to waterboy but I gave him the time of day...But does any of that matter now?  Hell no.

I was blind then but really, the truest friends I have are the ones that completely betrayed me.  The ones I did everything for, the ones I gave every part of me just to be thrown back in my face because I was only a "convenient" friend...They realized how great of a person I was.  They realized how much I meant to them.  And as for the ones I had a falling out with (i.e. Dom Fluss/Liz Stone/Shannon McCoy) They can at least say hi to me and smile when I smile at them.

So as for you who could care less about me.  Here's a big

FUCK YOU.

Because you don't matter anymore.

And here's an I love you to the friends I so cherish now because you have not judged me yet and you continue to be great friends to me.

I love Jerry Guido.

The fucker that hurt me more than everything that ever happened in middle school combined.

It's come to my attention that I've figured out why I am attracted to certain boys.  Expecially assholes.  I don't want a guy that says, "I love you, I love you like no one ever will."  That is just too easy.  I want a guy that gives me a challenge, one that's hard to get.  And though I deny that that will ever work, subconsciencly, it works...EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Most of the time I don't realize that they are doing it, and neither do they.  But when a guy pushes me away...It makes me want them even more.  I hate myself for this.  Because then that means I'm basically attracted to assholes.  Heh.  But I love assholes.  But if a guy throws himself to me, it's not attractive.  I have to work for what I want, be it a car...Or a guy.  Or both...Lmao just kidding. 

So.  Right now the guy on my list is Jerry.  And yeah.  He's probably the biggest asshole I've ever tried to date.  But he's gotten better, he doesn't do REALLY mean things anymore.  He's gotten over that little stage.  Now I just have to get him to stop telling me he loves me ALL the time.  He's liked me since the 6th grade...How cute.  Lol.

Hmm.  I wonder who's reading this.

Currently Listening Ten Years Gone: The Best of Everclear, 1994-2004 By Everclear Volvo Drivin' Soccer Mom. see related

Christianity.

So all of this has forced me to look down upon Christians again.  I'm sorry.  But the people that follow the same religion as you are fucking stupid.  And they make the rest of you look bad.  And when you "pray to God" how do you even know it's him?  How do you know it's not just your thoughts?  You know...Everyone else that says they have people talking to them would be put in psycho wards but it's acceptable if you're a person of some religion.  Well...Except for Pagans and Satanists.  Because you know they worship the devil and/or many different gods therefore they are EVIL. 

I got called narrowminded today.  Well you have to be narrow minded towards narrowminded people because if you don't, they aren't going to understand your vast thinking.  As to why I didn't debate anything with Ryan. 

I am proud to say I am one of the most openminded people I know and people who call me narrowminded are what they preach.

I wrote Ryan a message but I didn't feel like he deserved to read it.  He didn't deserve my appologies or my cry to him for us to quit fighting and just be friends.  He's worthless to me as of now.  He's just another Christian asshole who cries to God when he has problems.

I have no problem with the religion of Christianity.  I have no problem with people who follow any religion.  And I definately have no problem with my friends trying to convert me because I understand that it is what they are told to do from a young age and it's what they are supposed to do.  And I also had no problem going to Youth Group with Amanda because I respected her and her beliefs. 

AND IF ONE ASSHOLE IS GOING TO CALL ME NARROWMINDED THEN HE DESERVES NOTHING FROM ME.

And if people think differently of me because of my choices then they don't deserve anything from me either.

Yes.  I am a bi-curious athiest from a hick town who is not prejudice towards anyone for any reason. 

Except for those who are prejudice against me.  Then I just ignore them.

If you think you are a true Christian and you become offended by this, you should figure out where you went wrong because it is taught that you are to love everyone.  And if you can't love me, you shouldn't call yourself a Christian.

Thank you Corinne.  You're a doll.  Well...You're more than that.  Thank you for being a good Christian and getting me through all of this shit.  You deserve a lot in life. 

I can't accept change.  I'm sorry for this.  I'm sorry that my life isn't perfect and that what I've gone through governs my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings.  I'm sorry for trying to do what's right and for everything else I've done wrong/Fucked up.

I am fucking sorry.

Things are amazing as of now.  Ryan and I are doing great.  I went skating and all of my old friends are just like, "KKKKKEEEEELLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY!!!!"  It makes me feel great.  Seeing people I haven't seen in a year, seeing that thingss are fine with all of my friends.  I haven't felt this secure about things in a VERY long time.

Everything isn't perfect but they are as good as they are probably ever going to get.  I'm doing all right in school, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and I have friends who love me as well. 

So fuck all of you who used to make me feel like shit.  At least I have something you don't have.

A life.