Questions.I have a question that I've always
wanted to ask you ... when did you know that you were going to marry
Ed? When did you know you were in love with him? I'm asking because I'm
at the point in my life where I'm so confused.
Is it a single moment, or a lot of moments put together, that make you realize you're in love?
A young friend asked this question the other day (there is no link because she blogs privately).
These are hard questions, mostly because I know why you are asking and I know that my answers are going to affect you. Also, I would want someone to tread delicately if she were talking to my daughter about life and love.
There are a couple of things I think I know about love (and I stress that I only know my own experience):
~the experience of knowing you are in love is a unique feeling for everyone. My experience is not going to feel like yours, etc. I say this because when I met my husband I was older. I had worked my way through several boyfriends and several more lovers. Good ones, not so good ones, and downright despicable ones. They all played a part in shaping my expectations for a life partner, but the experience as it was happening was excruciating at times. Painful.
Sort of like what you are going through right now.
~that being in love with someone may feel like it is the only thing/person you will ever need/know in your life. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. No one knows until they do... and I cannot know for you. There were a couple of times in my life when I was absolutely sure that this boyfriend was the one. I have another question waiting for me to blog about that relates to this.
~"the one" doesn't seem to show up until you stop trying to make him appear. If the boy a girl loves now is the one... then he will still be the one when their lives have been lived enough to settle down. And really... I do not believe that each person is allowed only one true and real love in their lives. I haven't, though I believe I am currently experiencing the last true love of this lifetime.
~love... lasting and real love... cannot be rushed. This is not to say that it cannot happen fast, but one person cannot rush the other into a state of emotion. They just can't, it doesn't work. Otherwise that emotion is a facade.
This all sounds like a sermon, and I am sorry. I am not speaking to you directly, these are personal lessons and perceptions I have gleaned from dating through my highschool/college/and beyond years. I did not meet Ed until three years after college, two years after the breakup of my previous relationship, many months after I had decided that I was going to just forget about the whole man thing and just live my life. I was 25 years old.
In my case, I met him and walked away that same night stating that I was going to marry him. I have no idea why I knew this, I just knew. It was a moment... that continues, it was a feeling of assuredness, it was a hot flash, a sensation of serenity instead of nervousness. I wasn't looking, I was in a bad mood to begin with, it was like lightening for me. This all sounds very romantic, very exciting. Except...
It wasn't the same experience for him. It was slow growing on him. We met in July and didn't meet again until September (9th, 1994... our first date. Dinner- I had BLT, he had a chicken sandwich, then we went back to his place to hang). Even then he kept me at arms length. Still, I knew. So I was patient. I didn't have to worry, scheme, try too hard, manipulate or pine for him... because I knew it was just a matter of time before he came to the same realization I had. We married in 1996. I was in love with him from the start, but real love between us didn't begin for many months. It grew at its own speed.
I'm answering your question by not really answering it, I realize this. But, there is no true answer because it is a unique experience for each person and they are all right. I bet if ten people answered this question there would be many variations on how to know when you are with your life partner. I didn't know the feeling, until I felt it. I thought I did, I thought I would marry Steve and then later, Michael... I was sure of both (and at one point so were each of them). When I met Ed is was different, unexplainable, but definitely different.
I am worried that you will take my words here as "you are too young to understand, there are many fish in the sea, first love isn't last love, etc." I'm not... because it could very well be that you are with the one you are meant to be with, I have no idea. However, neither do you... not really. You can hope, you can really really hope, but you cannot know until you know. Do not plan your future to please another out of love. If the love is lasting, life will fall into place without you having to sacrifice the college of your choice, or the dreams you have. Your dreams are most attainable when they are based on you. When the one is in front of you, he will fit right into your dreams and you will not have to choose.
I Love you, sweet girl. And I wish I could hug you.
Comments (21)
I would perhaps add, or caution... that one should not marry because one is 'in love', nor because one 'loves' someone. It takes a whole lot more than 'being in love', or even 'loving' someone, to create, build, achieve and *sustain* a successful relationship with another person over a lifetime.
Just my two-bits!
Bottom line, be very, very practical. Ask yourselves a whole lot of questions (the both of you). And then don't make the mistake I and most other people make: we ignore the answers! We ignore the red flags!!
Don't expect the other person to change. "If he loves me, then..." No. Ask yourself: if this thing about my partner (whatever it is) were to ~never~ change, do I want to live with this for the rest of my life? (And vice versa for him: is he ready to live with ~your~ specific shortcomings, flaws, peculiarities, etc. for the rest of his life?)
Also, a common warning to consider: study after study shows: those things that currently attract you and that you think are 'cute' are likely to be the things that will drive you apart down the road. Be very, very careful of those areas where you are *different*. Right now, they probably attract you -- you think they're 'sweet' or 'hot' or whatever. In a few years: they'll drive you bananas!!
Jenny, you are so gentle and wise. In my next lifetime I want an aware, and thoughtful Mother like you. It's as if this girl was your daughter. That was dear!
When you meet the person you are going to marry, there is no explanation.
We just know.
I love your answer Jenny, your so great with words.
Love to me (and this is just one example) is when silence speak a thousand words.
I can be comfertable with my husband, I can be honest, he allows me to be honest, when I look in his eyes, and I know how he feels without him telling me, we share the same dreams, we're soulmates. Its a puzzle to me, we're not complete when we're not together.
And there comes a time where you don't always LIKE him, but you still love him.
I also don't set high expectations, I have learned that when you do, your bound to be dissapointed.
Love to me also means, that he won't try to change you, and vice versa.
And here I am rambling again. I just wanted to share this.
I'd also say that it's important to really know that when you love someone, you love who they are and not who you *think* they are or who they have the potential of becoming. More than once I have believed myself to be truly in love or to have loved a person only to realize that I could not possibly have loved them. They were not who I thought they were.
amazing, that you blogged this tonight, of all nights.
Seriously Jenny, sometimes I wish that you were my neighbor so we could sit and talk... You have such good advice, without even meaning to be giving advice.
Thank you for being amazing : )
As I type this comment, we're actually working out issues that you mentioned above and which other people mentioned in comments. Everything is so insightful, I love it.
I sometimes think, "We'll grow from this fight."
and sometimes I think, "This is useless, and I'm only getting hurt more and hurting him too."
So. Confusing.
Thank you so much for answering ... I hoped you would.
That's a really good question, one I can remember asking while I decided to get married back when I was just 21. I think I went with the lots of little moments answer. I'd say it was the wrong criteria to decide upon, but I have 2 wonderful kids because of that decision... so it wasn't all that bad (divorce et all). Really it just depends on whether you can make the best of the choices you made, no matter the outcome. Surely, I do know, marrying him at that time in my life was the wrong decision. But... like I said, I'm quite alright that I did it. I have a good life. And that's really just a perspective within me, a choice I've made and continually affirm. Someone else could have lived my exact circumstances and feel utterly miserable and trapped. but...
I do feel Jenny gives some very solid advice, "Do not plan your future to please another out of love. If the love is lasting, life will fall into place without you having to sacrifice the college of your choice, or the dreams you have. Your dreams are most attainable when they are based on you. When the one is in front of you, he will fit right into your dreams and you will not have to choose."
Thank you!!! This comes at a perfect time for me. After all the dramas that I have been through lately, this really speaks to me. I hope that the decision me and my partner have made is the right one. I am getting back to the phase of knowing who I am on my own, so that I can know if he is the one to fit into it with me. He was perfect when we met, and then I changed. So if I get back to being myself, maybe he will fit into that again, if not, then we have learned a lesson, without being torn apart by it. Much more pleasant way to go. As I said to him though, it's not just a case of us changing or whatever, it's that if we do wind up together again (fate will throw us together if we're meant to be, I know that), will we keep the changes, and remain as ourselves. Thank you again. I wish I was closer too. Would love to sit down and talk to you over a coffee with your sage advice. I think of you more like a big sister than a mother. It's easier to talk to a big sister about advice than a mother (I don't know I've never had one, but I've had a little one since being with my boy, and I feel proud that she trusts me to talk about these things than even him).
Peace and love
~*Jen*~